Friday night the Agoge Integrated Martial Arts studio taught a class on Zombie Defense Tactics to a public eager and willing to survive any zombie outbreak.
Zombie Combat Master Instructor Brent Bingham and International Zombie Hunter Jack Boru took participants through a series of drills and exercises meant to hone their minds and bodies for any close encounter with the undead.
But this class wasn't simply business as usual. Before learning the practical defensive moves, participants played several rounds of Humans vs. Zombies, the zombie drill masquerading as a game of tag that has taken the collegiate world by storm. In this scenario, trainees embarked on four separate missions of increasing difficulty. The goal was to find the doctor with the cure for zombism, gather weapons and ammunition (Nerf guns and swords), and of course, kill as many zombies as possible without joining their undead ranks. In the darkened halls of the HvZ course, zombies announced "BRAAAINS" to one another to avoid attacking their own, and humans sought the high ground and an ever-dwindling supply of ammunition.
Yet even the light-hearted game of HvZ had a purpose. "People fail because of fear, fear of lots of mouths coming at you," Boru said. The rounds of HvZ are meant to get participants to feel that fear and panic, and realize that fighting zombies is not necessarily a cool-headed experience.
Instructor Brent Bingham looked cool enough to handle any zombie encounter. I asked him how to face the crippling fear of a zombie attack. "It's about gross motor skills. When your heartrate elevates, you're not going to be able to pull out your car keys or dial 911. Instead, gross motor skills, the real basics, kick in. That's why we teach moves that are fluid, simple, and direct. They're easy to execute, and if you practice them enough muscle memory will kick in, no matter how panicked you are."
Bingham and Boru came up with the idea for ZDT (Zombie Defense Tactics) on a whim, following recent trends of zombie mania. It presented a fun, story-driven way to teach self-defense in a worst case scenario. "Everyone focuses on guns and weapons for dealing with zombies," Boru said. "Our goal is realism: People don't think about fighting with the empty hand, which would be the worst case scenario against a zombie, or any attacker. We call it 'hand-to-mouth combat.'"
Joining in the class were local zombie defense vendors Dustin Lambert and Deyanna Dier of In Case of Attack and zombie doll maker Cori the MischiefMaker. In Case of Attack supplies would-be survivors with glass cases of weapons (shotguns, machetes, and twinkies), emblazoned with the message, "IN CASE OF ZOMBIE ATTACK BREAK GLASS." The MischiefMaker knits adorably gory zombie dolls.
After the trainees finished their Humans vs. Zombies missions (The zombies won most rounds, of course. It's just math), it was time to learn some real defense techniques. Bingham began the lesson by asking, "How many didn't know how to use a gun, or found themselves empty-handed? Bullets are not always the answer."
The first technique was a basic check and redirect move. To practice the move, the instructors pitted friends against friends, husbands against wives, and children against their mothers. No matter what the pairing, the move seemed remarkably simple and instinctual. It was clear to see that this move --meant to stop a zombie in its tracks, then redirect its deadly bite elsewhere (the ground or a strategically placed meatsnack, ie. your buddy)-- could be done by anyone, to anyone.
The next three techniques all built on the same basic concept of checking and redirecting, with varying lethal or immobilizing results. While the moves were specifically tailored to avoid mouth-contact, these moves could be used on a human attacker as well. And who said learning zombie defense had no practical application outside of the apocalypse?
In between techniques, Bingham and Boru shared practical tips for facing hand-to-mouth combat with a zombie:
- Never look a zombie in the eyes. They draw you in to find the person the zombie used to be, and while you're searching for the humanity in those eyes, the teeth are gnawing on your jugular.
- When fighting zombies, never wear a helmet. If you get bitten, a helmet will prevent other survivors from killing the zombie you become.
- Run. Slow them down long enough for you to get a head start, then make like Forrest Gump and get the heck out of there.
- Don't go for the pain. Beating up zombies is futile; only an immobilizing move or a killing move is effective. A crotch shot means nothing to a corpse that can't feel pain.
The class ended with a lesson in wielding weapons against zombies. A zombified melon wearing a gruesome zombie mask was placed atop a mannequin. Using their choice of a baseball bat, a club, an axe, a shovel, a crow bar, or a golf club, participants smashed the zombie heads to smithereens... or not.
"People need to know two things about using weapons," Boru said. "First: How effective they can be. And second: How hard they are to use without practical training." This second point quickly became obvious as a few participants either failed to destroy the melon on the first strike, or missed the stationary target entirely. "You have to practice. That's what ZDT is all about. You have to try it first and practice if it's ever going to work in the moment," Boru said.
As I raised my extra-long crowbar claw-first and swung it down into the undead melon with a fearsome battle cry, one thing became clear: Practice will be no problem for this Zombie Examiner.
Stay informed, stay alive: The ZDT instructors of Agoge Integrated Martial Arts are planning a weekend bootcamp for the serious would-be zombie survivor. I'll have all the details as soon as they're available.
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Comments
Thank you Jessica!!
Hello,
What's the best way to take down a Zombie?
SHOOT THEM IN THE HEAD.
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