Aside from any movie releases, poetry readings, community theater openings, or book signings you might plan to attend, there are only two events to worry about in this week ahead: Thanksgiving and the dreaded Black Friday.
Thanksgiving should be a snap. You’ve downloaded your favorite cranberry dressing recipe. You’ve purchased a couple bottles of wine and prepared your mental list for the annual family tradition “Airing of Grievances” that takes place after dinner and before dessert. Now, if you can survive Aunt Edna’s cheek pinching and Uncle Arnold’s foul- smelling pipe, the only real challenge is to avoid overeating.
But, lurking on the other side of this peaceful holiday like an angry rhinoceros is the most horrible shopping day of all mankind: Black Friday. You know better than to go out into this frenzy, but you’ve been pelted with internet previews and media overload, and you are now at the point where risking your life to save a few dollars on a refurbished laptop or soon-to- be- discontinued flat screen television seems like a good idea. However, all is not lost. Read on for a quick survival guide to make you safe and victorious in your endeavor.
Pre-plan
Planning is everything. You have two enemies working against you: Time, and the mindless, faceless human shopping herd that will be pawing and stamping at the door of every store in town. Time can be managed to your advantage by planning your route. Study the stores that you have decided to hit, and plug them into your GPS. You should hit the furthest store first, then work your way back to the safety of your own home.
Focus
Once you arrive at the first store, you will be faced with the Herd. This is where calmness and assertiveness will be your best tools. If there is a line at the door, you must work your way through it carefully. Try not to brush against anyone aggressively, and keep your eyes focused on the door. Once it opens, the herd will spring forward. You must stay on your feet and swim with the current, using a parallel angular technique to break free. Once free, you can circle and move faster than the herd, which will likely be heading for the electronics section first. In the event of a full on stampede, simply take shelter in a doorway or behind a column and allow the herd to ply out its aggression on itself. If there are any stocking stuffers nearby, snatch a few while you’re waiting.
Self-Defense
Let’s face it, there are times when even the most well planned situation can take a turn for the worse. There’s only one blu-ray player left on the shelf, and a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers staring at it. If it’s on the shelf, it’s fair game. Use a technique called “the scoop and run” where you come through the defensive zone between her and the shelf. Create a little separation by making a sudden noise, slide the item off the shelf, and run for the register. If you have more shopping to do, take refuge in the baby section. No one ever looks there on black Friday.
If she has picked up the box to read it because she’s unsure of her purchase, again, this makes the item fair game. Stripping the ball is perfectly legal in all divisions of football, and as long as you can get that item without a physical assault charge, go for it.
Basic concepts
The important thing to remember in all survival situations is to plan, stay calm, and be as prepared as you can.
- Comfortable shoes and warm clothes are a must. Avoid loose fitting clothes as they provide a handle that could trip you up during a “scoop and run”.
- Know what you are after. You cannot be wandering around the store, overwhelmed by the buying opportunities.
- If an item is sold out, move on. The herd will usually argue with the sales personnel, buying you time in other areas.
- Never show fear. Keep a firm grip on your purchases, and avoid using a shopping cart if possible.
Conclusion
Even if you don’t succeed, putting yourself to the test and facing your fears is one of the greatest achievements a person can make for their own personal growth. In the end, there are 364 shopping days before Christmas, and like a hiker lost in Yellowstone, you chose to be here. Good Luck!
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