According to the Borowitz Report, in a brilliant bit of satiric wit, “In what was described as a major ramping up of sanctions, Secretary of State John Kerry announced on Tuesday that the United States had frozen Russian President Vladimir Putin’s Netflix account, effective immediately.” Life in the Boomer Lane believes that the surprise move is guaranteed to destabilize US-Russian relations to a degree not seen since the Borsch and Herring Boycott during the George W Bush Administration.
The freeze was timed perfectly to occur just after Putin had viewed the infamous “Red Wedding” scene in Game of Thrones, the shocking episode that forever change the jockeying for power being engaged in by all the major players of the series. “Only one DVD remains of Season 3 and now Putin will not be able to view it,” an unnamed government source gleefully disclosed. Putin, an avid Game of Thrones viewer, had been said to be a Iron Throne Pretender, the highest ranking a fan can achieve. For Halloween, Putin dressed as one of Game of Throne’s lovable characters, Khal Drogo, the powerful, hunky, but misguided (and now very dead) warlord of the fearsome Dothraki nomads. An unnamed Russian source noted “As Khal, like Vladimir, has a penchant for going topless, the costume was of great appeal.”
Putin is said to watch the torture scenes especially carefully, and has set up a secret subset of the Red Army to test the torture techniques on innocent, but loyal, volunteers. It has been rumored for some time now that Putin has sent feelers throughout parts of Asia and the Middle East to see if anyone could procure a dragon for him. It is unknown what kind of success he has had.
Inspired by the Netflix ban, Facebook has unfriended Mr Putin and halted any activity on his Fan Page. Twitter no longer allows him to follow Kim Kardashian. LinkedIn, Tumblr, Digg, and Pinterest are following events carefully and are considering their options. Pinterest, especially, has noted that Putin’s board titled “Fluffy Little Kitties,” has over 2400 followers. A spokesperson for Twitter, who has requested to remain anonymous, has said, “While we acknowledge that Russia’s actions in Ukraine are nothing more than a big hot juicy butt grab, we are leery about disappointing all the people out there who like to look at photos of fluffy little kitties. Putin’s Fluffy Little Kitties page remains one of our most popular.”
The US also asked certain non-US companies to join in. With the fall of Communism, the average Russian was able to shift all of his energy from standing in line for day old moldy bread to coming up with highly fun and illegal ways to make gobs of money. Luxury design houses like Chanel, Valentino, Fendi, Dior, and Versace sprang up everywhere. When approached by the US to join in on the embargo, they considered carefully and responded with “Not a snowballs chance in Sochi.”