Today’s the day. The New England Patriots and the New York Giants will square off at 4 p.m., airing on KTVB here in Boise, to determine this year’s Super Bowl champion. While it may be tempting to lay around and stuff your face with obscene amounts of hot wings and beer, and laugh at all the silly commercials, it might be a good idea to get a little exercise while you’re at it. Oh, but how to fit that in when there’s a big game to watch? Well, just for fun, here are a few suggestions for moves you can make while it’s the winner of the Vince Lombardi trophy is being decided. Every time one of the following things happen, you’ll be up and moving. But don’t worry—you won’t need any equipment, just a little floor space, and a sense of humor.
Gratuitous shot of anyone’s supermodel wife If Tom Brady’s better half shows up on your screen, hit the floor for 10 girl push-ups.
When Madonna takes the stage at halftime Give respect where respect is due. Whether you’re a fan or not, you have to admit she’s worked hard for those guns. Do 10 real push-ups.
Any mention of Peyton Manning’s neck issues or the distraction of his perceived squabble with Colts’ ownership The Super Bowl is Indianapolis this year, and his little brother, Eli, is the starting QB for the New York Giants. It’s a given that this will come up at some point. When it does, bust out 10 jumping jacks.
Any mention of Super Bowl XLII In case you’re not a fan of Roman numerals, that would be the Super Bowl of 2007 when these two teams last met, and the New York Giants crushed the Patriots’ hopes of having an undefeated season. Whenever this event is mentioned, do 10 lunges on each side, and think of the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
Every time they cut to Bill Belichick and he has a scowl on his face Seriously, is that hoodie equipped with some magic substance that prevents the man from smiling? When you see his grumpy face, jog in place for 30 seconds, or until they cut to someone else.
When the camera shows Archie and Olivia Manning No doubt, they’ll be cheering for son Eli from their skybox. Do 3 sets of 15 crunches each time you see them. Do an extra set if one of the commentators refers to Archie’s “great football mind” or mentions the words “dynasty,” “legacy” or “generations.” If you happen to know that the “other” Manning brother is named Cooper (uhh, before reading it just now), skip the last set.
When Tom Coughlin’s face gets so red it looks like it might burst into flames Win or lose, this will happen. Before he ignites, do 3 sets of 15 jumping jacks, or until you’re the one red in the face. And don’t forget to drink some water.
When Victor Cruz scores a touchdown Two words. Salsa dance. Duh.
When Chad Ochocinco makes any kind of reception This is not too likely, but if it happens, do 10 mountain climbers. If you didn’t realize he was still playing, do 15 mountain climbers.
Mentions of Gronkowski’s high ankle sprain Yes, plural. Here’s how this one works. On the first mention, you do a burpee, landing carefully on your ankles. On the second mention, you do two burpees. For each mention after that, you add another. Pretty sure these will wear you out by the time the game’s over.
When they show any ad more gross than last year’s “licking some other dude’s fingers” Doritos ad You know it’s coming. The bar has been set. When it happens, do 3 sets of 10 squats.
During Madonna’s halftime show Free dance through the whole thing. ‘80s leg warmers and sweat bands optional.
Enjoy the game. Watch the fat and calories with your food and beverage choices. And try to get up and move a little bit while you’re at it.
Talk it up:
Who’s going to win Super Bowl XLVI?
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