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Just Ask!


Dear Brittani,


I am a 24 year old single woman and I am having a hard time finding Mr. Right.  I have a degree from a very good school, I have a full time job and am on a great career path, I have my own car, my own place, and I am very driven and successful compared to other young women my age.  Why can't I find the right guy?


?Confused?-- 24, Columbus, Oh


Dear Confused,


It seems that you have it all together; you're educated, you live alone, you are more than likely to be a success in whatever career you choose...you would make the perfect catch.  But in all your boasting, you never mentioned being satisfied with yourself.  We as women often become so obsessed with finding a man to complete us, that we forget that we must first be complete within ourselves.  Material things don't make you complete.  Nice clothes, and an apartment don't make you the total package.  Until you can be happy alone, you can't be happy with someone else.  Rather then focus on why you haven't discovered Mr. Right, spend time enjoying your own company.  NOT, I repeat, NOT at a singles bar, or with other single friends searching for a man, but with yourself.  Enjoy a Saturday night at home alone with a good book and a glass of wine.  Go to the movies alone on a Saturday morning or with your best friend or a relative (don't be afraid to go alone, it's not that scary).  Feel confident being alone and stop obsessing over why he hasn't popped up yet.  As soon as you relax and take your focus off finding a man, the right one will find you. 


 


Dear Brittani,


My ex and I have started seeing each other again after about 3 years.  Since we have been together, she constantly brings up things I did in the past and the reason we broke up 3 years ago.  She is very insecure and doesn't want me to friends with any other women, especially girls I dated while we were apart.  I love her and she is the woman I want to marry, but I know she doesn't trust me.  How do I make it right?


Doubtful, 27 Columbus


Dear Doubtful,


First let me make myself very clear...It's not your job to make it right.  When she decided to take you back, she decided to forgive you. It's her job to make it right.  It's her job to learn to trust you and only your responsibility to know that it is a process and it does take time.  When a person is hurt by someone else, it is hard to rebound from that, but if she wants you in her life as much as you want her in yours, she needs to make an effort to see pass the things you did before and learn to trust you.  When it comes to other women, you should try to make her feel as comfortable as possible about you spending time with another woman.  Even if they are only friends, to her it doesn't matter.  All she knows is that there is another woman, who is not a relative, that is occupying your time.  Reassure her that they are only friends by inviting a platonic friend out for drinks with the two of you, or setting a female friend up with a guy friend of yours.  This will tell her that you are not interested in a romantic relationship with these women and only want their friendship.  If this is truly the person you want to marry, you need to be able to be comfortable knowing that she trusts you.  Insecurities have no place in a loving relationship.  Talk openly to her about how you feel and try to evaluate her emotions.  If it seems to you that she has a little worry about the risk of losing you again, that is perhaps something the two of you can work through; but if you feel that she is jealous or insecure, it is best to dissolve your relationship now.  Things will only get worse and in the future you may begin to feel resentment toward one another. 


 


I hope this helps. 

Comments

  • Aleesha Nash 4 years ago

    This is great advice! You are correct insecurities and love cannot both survive in a relationship!

  • Carla 4 years ago

    Very good advice.

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