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Just Ask!


Brittani,


I have been seeing this guy for about 2 months now and everything is going great.  I love being with him and spending time with him.   Before meeting him, I hadn't dated anyone steadily in about 3 years, while all of my close friends have been in relationships for 4 years or more.  I have always been there to support my friends when they were having problems in their relationships, or there when their boyfriends were not around.  But now that I have someone, my friends always complain that I'm not spending enough with them, and spending too much time with my new boyfriend.  Every time I do decide to spend some time with my girls, all they do is rag on me about never seeing me, and tease me about how "open" my new boyfriend has me.  I love my girls, we have been close since our freshmen year of college, but I want them to be happy for me.  What do I do? I'm torn between the guy I'm falling in love with every day and the girls I've loved for years.


 


Dear Torn,


I think it is important for you to get to the bottom of your friends feelings toward your new man and new relationship.  It is possible that the idea of you no longer being available when they want you to be has upset them, but they are too embarrassed by their immaturity  to say so.  As women, we can sometime become possessive of our friends and family.  It seems as though they have always been comfortable in their relationships, with you as the fill in when their men are not around.  Now that you have someone to occupy your time, they are being possessive and are not allowing themselves to be happy for you.  It is very important that you confront them with your feelings, otherwise, you will become so irritated by their teasing, that you will choose not to be around them at all, possibly ending valuable friendships.  The next time they tease you, simply ask, "why aren't you happy for me"?  Don't accept a half-a** answer.  Make sure they understand how upset and hurt you are by their lack of support.  You should also be sure to explain how strong your feelings are toward your new boyfriend.  If you haven't had a steady relationship in years, they may think that he is just another "flavor of the week" and not take your relationship seriously at all.  Lastly, I encourage you to work on your friendships and try to mend the wound between you and your girls.  Real friendships aren't easy to find and are even harder to keep.  Although your friends may not be supporting your new relationship, it is clear that you care about them and want to keep them in your life.  Addressing your feelings is the best way to resolve the problem and keep your friends.  Good luck.


 


Dear Brittani,


I'm going to make this short and sweet.  What do I do if I don't like my boyfriend's mom?  We have been together for 3 years, and it seems like as time goes on, each day, she gets on my nerves more and more!  She is overbearing and no matter what I say, she says the opposite.  If I tell my boyfriend he should wear blue, she tells him to wear green.  If I say let's have Italian for dinner, she suggests Chinese.  The funny thing is she always tells everyone how much she likes me... What do I do?


Girlfriend,


WOW!  You are in a tough situation.  The good thing, you don't have to like his mother.  The bad thing, is that you should.  The relationship between a boy and his mom is very delicate and if either of them feel as though you may be a threat to that, you my dear, will be the one to loose.  As the two of you get closer, however, his mother is probably becoming a little territorial and feeling as though her position as the number one woman in his life is being threatened.  You should not, I repeat, you should NOT, bring your feelings to his mother.  If she is already threatened by your role in her son's life, she will not take well to you asserting your womanhood further on her.  Talk to your boyfriend about your feelings...But be very delicate.  Ask him if his mother ever mentioned to him any ill feelings toward you.  Tell him that it upsets you when she contradicts everything that you say, and tell him that you are worried that your relationship with her is going south because of hr worry about loosing him to you.  It will be hard for him to understand at first, but once you bring specific examples to his attention and reassure him that you want to repair your relationship with his mother, he will have to be understanding.  Hopefully once he brings it to his mother's attention, she will become more aware of your feelings, and start to understand that her little boy is growing up and has fallen in love.  It will be up to your boyfriend to reassure her that although she is not the number one woman in his life, she is still his mother...And the only one he will ever have,  that position is more valuable then number one, that position is the only one. Good luck, and if it's any consolation, you are not the only woman to go through this, and as long as our men are the sons of mothers, you won't be the last!


 

Need some advice?  Have a question about dating you'd like to ask?  Write me at: examinerbritt@gmail.com

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