(Satire): President Obama announced at a White House Rose Garden press conference today that he ordered George Washington’s tomb destroyed by drone-strike because Washington was America’s first domestic terrorist, and an important symbol for today’s potential domestic terrorism from Americans. Press conference excerpts:
President Obama: At the stroke of midnight ending July 4th, a US Air Force Reaper drone destroyed the remains of America’s first domestic terrorist: George Washington. Let me put this latest action to defend America’s freedoms in context:
Last July 4th we found Paul Revere guilty of spying, domestic terrorism, and treason against his country. We exhumed his body and have it hanging in permanent display at a new national monument in Boston. We began taxing Christians in penance for Jesus’ terrorism against banks, and declared microcredit as terrorism. Today I’m proud to announce America’s defense against the Founding Father of “home grown” terrorists: may such individuals rest in pieces, and remind folks what happens to those who choose to hate their own country.
Q: Sir, could you explain how George Washington is a terrorist?
Obama: Easily. Washington was the so-called “general” of American domestic terrorists, made-up of mostly veterans, that took-up arms against their own government. Paul Revere is the best known spy who revealed national security secrets to such terrorists that killed 73 and wounded 174 government troops with lawful orders to enforce gun control.
As I’ve said: if it’s one thing we learned from American history, it’s that public acceptance of gun control prevents terrorist attacks on American soil. May we finally learn this.
Q: Why midnight as the time for this drone of justice, sir?
Obama: To minimize collateral damage, and to start America’s 239th year with a clear message to American domestic terrorists: We’ve killed 30 million foreign terrorists since WW2, so don’t even think about it here at home or you’ll be as dead as your terrorist daddy.
Q: And we all know it’s legal to assassinate American domestic terrorists, of course.
Obama: As Peter King, Chair of the House Committee on Homeland Security says, it’s “totally right, totally Constitutional.” And if you question this, you’re a “horrible moron.” It’s now US law to stop terrorists before they have a chance to kill. All associated deaths are the fault of the terrorists, and Attorney General Holder affirms we can kill anyone we say is “engaged” in combatting America. After all, as Commander-in-Chief I respect the military Oath to defend against all enemies, foreign and domestic.
Our domestic terrorism counter-measures now include micro-drones to incapacitate or kill individuals with minimal chance of collateral damage. What none of you have noticed are several in the garden around you (a butterfly-like drone cruises from a nearby tree and lands gracefully on Obama’s podium. Press members: “Ooooh! Ahhhh!”).
Q: Those things can kill, sir?
Obama: Absolutely. Depending on their design, they can explode, inject, or be a beacon for a larger-scale exploding drone.
Q: That’s amazing, Mr. President (drone buzzes off). But getting back to the topic: what about Washington’s name everywhere, sir?
Obama: Thank you. As of now, that name is gone from official recognition. The “Washington Monument” is now “Freedom Monument.” “Washington, D.C.” is now simply “District of Columbia.” And his portrait will be removed from quarters and one dollar bills and replaced with America’s greatest job-creator: J.P. Morgan.
Q: And Washington’s place in history will be re-written?
Obama: It has to, he’s a treasonous terrorist. Actually, we’re still working with marketing groups for the best phrasing, but he’ll be called something bad. Personally, I like the abbreviation of “tee tee” for terrorist traitor, so young American school children make the appropriate connection of Washington to “doo doo,” “poo poo,” and “pee pee.”
Q: Good thinking, sir. Thank you for looking out for us.
Obama: (wipes imaginary tear with middle finger) I appreciate all you do for us in corporate media. The fact is that we in government love you, and terrorists like Washington hate you for your freedoms. I’ll take care of you by protecting you from foreign and domestic terrorists, gun control, and use the NSA to watch over you (and here).
Q: Wait! All of you are buying this bullshit?! Without George Washington and other patriots, there wouldn’t be an America! We’d still be second-class British without guns and only the rights granted by a king and plutocratic “lords”! We need people now like Washington to arrest traitors like Obama and Bush who remove our rights! This is “Big Lie” stuff that Hitler wrote about, this is Orwellian, this is “Emperor’s New Clothes” obvious, this is...
(Obama smiles as the press and he watch a drone the size of a small bird descend behind the protesting reporter. The micro-drone lands on his shirt collar and injects a needle into his neck in one smooth motion. The protester collapses).
Obama: Floats like a butterfly, stings like a bitch! (everyone laughs as two Secret Service agents drag the unconscious protester away) We didn’t kill that guy, at least this time. In fact, because Americans overwhelmingly support our new policies for a new America after 9/11 and no decent reporter would ever raise such a topic (reporters nervously chuckle and look around), that was a “crisis actor” to pretend he was a domestic terrorist. So don’t worry: no real Americans were harmed in that demonstration (more nervous laughter, a few press members: “USA! USA!”).
Let’s close on a positive note! Please welcome children from Freedom Elementary School (formerly “Washington”) to sing their winning song from our national contest, “How drone kills protect American freedoms”! (everyone applauds, children enter, a second-grade girl adorably introduces their song: Drone drone).
D is for death that comes from the skies!
R is for respect in all the world’s eyes!
O is for Obama – bringer of peace!
N is for niceness – what the US seeks!
E is for everyone under control!
(non-satiric note): Explore the links for Orwellian acts of US government in the present. The most elegant solution is for Americans in military and government to recognize “emperor has no clothes” unlawful orders, refuse them, and arrest those who issued them.