Judging the judges of AGT: David Hasselhoff

In a country with an estimated population of over three hundred million, would it really have been that difficult for NBC to find someone better qualified and more capable of judging a talent competition than David Hasselhoff?

Unless NBC acquired David Hasselhoff in a two-for-one deal along with the rights to Knight Rider, there is absolutely no excuse. Maybe it seemed like a good idea at first: Hasselhoff has experience as an actor, and as a singer, but the problem is that Hasselhoff was never good at either. His two most noteworthy performances were in Knight Rider, where he was outperformed by a talking car, and in Baywatch, which the vast majority of all male viewers will freely admit to watching just to see Hasselhoff’s female co-stars running along the beach in slow motion. As a singer, Hasselhoff is only appreciated in Germany, and even then this may be more owed to the fact that his last name is distinctly German as opposed to any sort of vocal appeal.

Essentially, David Hasselhoff owes his celebrity status to decent looks and a lot of luck. The roles for which he is best remembered are roles that required little to no talent at all. Hasselhoff should consider himself lucky to be a judge on America's Got Talent as well. Yet instead of recognizing that he has been blessed, Hasselhoff appears to instead have convinced himself that he truly is a master of all crafts, and consequently may consider himself the final authority on all facets of talent and entertainment.

NBC overlooked all of these issues and appointed Hasselhoff a judge of America’s Got Talent, and America has been suffering ever since.

Since he has no taste nor any understanding of talent, Hasselhoff’s primary tool is his ego. He is a glutton for applause: he intentionally arrives late so that audience members antsy to see the acts will start chanting his name and applaud when he finally arrives, and he appears to base the majority of his decisions as a judge on how loud the audience is cheering or booing. He tries to pass himself off as the good guy, but when an act at the open calls clearly has no right to be there and is booed by the audience, Hasselhoff wastes no time pretending to be Simon Cowell with snide remarks and half-thought insults, betraying his true nature to be that of a total egomaniac, one that enjoys being the center of attention whenever he can, and kicking others when they are down whenever he can get away with it.

Perhaps as a consequence of his massive ego, Hasselhoff does a poor job hiding the fact that he resents the presence of the other two judges, especially Piers Morgan, who, like any good reporter, can see right through him. As a glutton for applause, Hasselhoff will never give his X to an act that has already received two yeses, but when he has first voted no and the other two judges voted yes, Hasselhoff has frequently responded by throwing a tantrum. He threatened to quit twice in the second season, and reportedly even threatened to headbutt Piers Morgan following the passing of an act he voted no for in the upcoming fourth season. Whenever Hasselhoff is upset, his general response is evidently to reestablish himself as the center of attention no matter what the cost.

As one would expect from a glutton for applause, Hasselhoff is evidently terrified of being booed by the audience. Therefore, once at the live shows, Hasselhoff becomes completely worthless. He is virtually incapable of critique, only occasionally mustering up the courage to spew out a useless catch phrase like “it was really scary” or “you just didn’t have it tonight.” Hasselhoff was finally made to confront his fears in the third season, when the judges were required to select the 5th or 6th place finishers from the live vote to advance. Whenever Morgan and Sharon Osbourne were split, the decision went to Hasselhoff, who always at first appeared shocked to even have Jerry Springer speaking to him, then would immediately express how much he hates his job.

David Hasselhoff has the easiest job in America: He watches a bunch of performers and he decides for himself which ones he likes the most. Millions of Americans do exactly that in their living rooms after every single episode for free. Hasselhoff, on the other hand, is getting payed six figures or more to do this, yet he would apparently rather be lying on the bathroom floor eating a cheeseburger than sitting at the judge’s table on elimination night.

Very few acts can override Hasselhoff’s ego, with the only exceptions being gender benders and daredevils. Hasselhoff does little to hide his libido – he will offer excessive praise to any woman scantily dressed and will refer to even young girls by sexual pet names. Gender benders such as Boy Shakira and Leonid the Magnificent, however, have long been a subject of Hasselhoff’s resentment. In fact, it was over these two acts that Hasselhoff threatened to quit the show if passed by Osbourne and Morgan (the two acts passed, and unfortunately, Hasselhoff did not keep his promise).

Hasselhoff has also made no secret of his dislike of acts which are life threatening, though his dislike of such is evidently not tied to his concern for the safety of the performers. Even though Hasselhoff had once sounded off at Morgan for using his buzzer to try and throw off Liang Patti in the second season, Hasselhoff did not think twice about sounding his buzzer while Dan Meyer was working a sword down his throat. He cited his own personal discomfort as his reason for voting against Meyer, even though he personally was the one that came closest to killing him.

Hasselhoff is not only a poor judge, he is virtually an icon of everything wrong in the American entertainment industry. He is narcissistic, volatile, ineffective, and making millions of dollars in spite of it. Worst of all, while Morgan and Osbourne have shown improvements through the seasons, Hasselhoff has gotten progressively worse. It is the greatest insult of all that, on a show called America’s Got Talent, it is the only American judge that is the most damaging of them all. One can only hope that the fourth season of AGT will also be his last.