Now that Washington is beginning to calm down following the natural disaster that was the Redskins' recent shellacking by the Seahawks, President Barack Obama can make time handle an equally ridiculous crisis. Namely, Jack Lew's "Circles of Doom."
Currently the White House Chief of Staff, Lew has been tapped by the president to lead the Treasury (now offering free checking accounts with actual free money for foreign dignitaries – see your Congressional Representative for complete details). As a matter of course, Lew submitted several signatures to his boss for potential use on American paper money (now available in regular, quilted and highly flushable). According to White House insiders, who had managed to find former President Clinton’s stash of “inhalable presidential relaxants” when they leaked this, President Obama told Lew to “go to your room and not come out until you come up with a real signature.” Lew then stomped away and came back with a new signature which looked like a bunch of loops. Obama then reportedly did what any executive or parent would do this case.
He sighed, slumped on the couch, and turned on the premiere of “1600 Penn.”
Considering the president’s recent picks for the cabinet, one would figure he owned the Washington Redskins. Susan Rice’s bid for Secretary of State ended when it was revealed she had prior knowledge of Redskin quarterback Robert “C3PO” Griffin, III’s bad knee, but refused to treat it as a diplomatic incident. Chuck Hagel is feeling the heat about his stance on Israel ever since reports came out that he blamed the Mossad for putting a hit out on Griffin's knee. Now, Jack Lew is being linked to some evil government plot to end the world, as well as rooting for the Seahawks (an offense punishable by death in D.C.) and failing to urge the president to sign an Executive Order canceling TLC's "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.". At the rate this is going, the president and Redskins owner Dan Snyder may want to consider a trade – Griffin for Obama, and a Secretary of Treasury to be named later sounds pretty good right about now.
As for Lew, his “legible” signature looks like he decided to play a prank on his future boss and pull out an old quilting pattern. Then again, other reported signatures included smiley faces, the Autobot insignia, a very short recipe for French toast, and a passing formation intended for Peyton Manning. This latest signature appears to be inspired by First Dog Bo, though many believe it to be merely a photocopy of one of Bo’s actual hairs. Of course, there is always the possibility Lew decided to fake out the fine folks from Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas by using what they refer to as “that doodlin’ thingie.”
Though Lew still needs to be confirmed by the Senate, nothing short an asteroid vaporizing Washington is likely to keep that from happening (Vegas odds on that 1,000:1 – for political entertainment purposes only). His signature may be the least of his worries – he will have to account for many things to the Senate, including why he allowed those staffers to find Bill Clinton's stash in the first place. The man was just named "Father of Year," after all.
Besides, even if Lew's signature resembles the "666" of the Bible's antichrist, Obama could have done much worse - he could have nominated Honey Boo Boo, or even Alex Jones.
WRITER’S NOTE: In all fairness, the fine folks at Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas would be far more accurate in their terminology, and would likely say “that be that there evil ‘cipherin’ stuff!”
We would like to thank the Westboro Baptist congregation for respecting the First Amendment, and we are excited that they are now thinking about having some common sense for a five full minutes. We would also like to wish Redskins owner Dan Snyder a nice day!
John Guzzardo posts a weekly humor column here on Sunday. Be sure to check out his other work at his website, www.getinjohnshead.com. If you want to email him, do so at firstname.lastname@example.org, but be prepared to be bombarded with stupid Honey Boo Boo jokes.
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