Well, it's not. "Relationship status" never is. Relationships are complicated, man. Why do you think there are so many suffering single people? Because they're just not ready to share the sudoku puzzle with anyone else yet. Boo. Yah.
So why isn't "it's complicated" (thank you stupid facebook) listed in more marriage status surveys along with, "myringonlycomesoffinmotels-married," "isitanyofyourbusinessI'm-single," "I'mtotallystalkingsomeone," and my personal favorite, "I'msocreepymystatusdoesn'tevenmatter."
I met one of the latter once. It was during my own personal renaissance, a summer of school way back in '08. I was taking what promised to be an extraordinary journey into the underground world of Japanese shock cinema (unless you live in Japan, in which case, it's only a little eccentric. And even then, not among certain circles. At least, I think.) And I think I can drag Mr. Truman in here right now, too, which is awesome.
Mr. Truman was my English teacher during my senior year of high school. Our syllabus was the two Norton Anthology of English Literature books, one per semester. We were supposed to memorize them for exams, but we did not. We, as in my class. We, as in, that's another story. Important take-away is yet to come.
He forced us (to my delight) to watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail. We watched. Most of us laughed. Later on, Truman charged us to define why we laughed. At the time I thought it was the most inane question. I ridiculed it instead of providing an answer. Did anyone? I don't remember - not the take-away. The important part was the question. See, he wasn't asking if we liked it. He wanted to know how it ticked in relation to us. It was a groundbreaking, important question.
So, as someone who assiduously watches as much asian cinema, particularly asian horror, as possible, I thought this Japanese cinema class was made in heaven for me. I thought that about a lot of classes before I took them, actually. (I think a money-back guarantee should be de rigeur for the university world.) Still, I liked these creepy, sometimes sickening, always shocking bits of cinematic wonder and I thought I should Mr. Truman it: Find Out Why.
It seemed as obvious as the nose on my face. What it devolved into is beyond reckoning and also a bit of a secret, but I don't mind telling you, just you. My prof failed to show up for the first class, and even the second class, and he didn't make it to the third or fourth, either. He was attempting to do his bit by calling all of his students, providing feedback on our first coupla essays. I just don't think his heart was in it. He was in LA hawking a book he'd just written. I'd just come from there a year before - survived a New York winter - and his suddenly attentive telephone calls from the West Coast were like warm rays in itself. He started his weird courtship with flattery. My favorite, my weakness, second to champagne and flowers. (Even sparkling wine is a-ok, btw.) My writing so great, my knowledge of Japanese cinema so awesome, my point-of-view so wordly, blah blah blah, and blammo - I was hooked. After a few inappropriately late and godawfully early phone calls, he broke out the weird phone sex stuff. I can honestly say my creative powers were strained by this form of communication. Nothing but nothing ever seems as sexy when you spell it out. So I won't even try. Imagine, people.
So, as I mentioned, dude prof is way outta town. We have our gross little phone fling, and soon it's time for him to return. We plan for him to come to dinner (yeah, with me cooking), and it seems like the time to consummate the tryst is nigh. But I guess it was past nigh. He got major cold feet, didn't show up, and, I presume, in what could have been a spectacular letdown for him but defintely was for me, we finally met. Our first class together. I was creeped out by his attached earlobes and standoffish attitude. He was creeped/scared/whatever, because he never called after and I promptly dropped his class. I don't know. Too much info? Too little? It was a short episode. He deserves little airtime, in my opinion. And no, it's not humble. Is there any such thing?
Point is, asking why. Why do you like something? Well, if it's thought-provoking, I support it. It's important to know that some things give up more gems if you probe it, like coal, versus that which must be immediately marched down the hall to the trash chute. In the case of the latter, there's only so much probing you can or should do before a decision is made.
So to answer the question: my relationship status is "it's complicated." Sure, I've probably probed too long already. Sure, I know I decision needs to be made. But please, Mr. Truman - can't I just rewind the tape a bit, watch my favorite parts again, and answer the question later?
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