This reporter has risked much on the quest to educate the people of Boulder regarding the truth of zombies running amok in our fair city. Much must be risked. Zombism is a terrible disease, and it is highly contagious, as this article will show. Already the truth is being spread. Articles have been written. Words have been shouted from street corners. Dens have been infiltrated. Reanimated corpses have been destroyed. And now, interviews have been conducted. Behold the horror of a warning ignored.
This interview was obtained at the risk of the reporter, who only survived by virtue of the presence of several stray cats, which were methodically devoured over the course of the interview. It took place in a dark alley on the cold snowy eve of February 21, 2010.
Who are you? What are you doing here? Connoisseurista de Brains. I'm eating a cat. Go away.
Wouldn't a big juicy meat burger do the trick? Unless, that is, you're a zombie. Yes, I believe I am indeed a zombie. Go away.
What makes you think you're a zombie? Connoisseurista de Brains picked a tuft of fur out of her teeth.
What caused the infection? Infection? With zombism. Oh. I jumped a chain link fence to go running around a lake. Instead of successfully vaulting over, my shirt got stuck and I scratched my back. Perhaps a zombie was scratched on that same fence and I was infected that way.
What are your plans to combat the disease? I have none. I'm enjoying the benefits of zombism.
Connoisseurista de Brains seemed to be enjoying the cats, if nothing else, and showed no concern that the disease would progress, eventually leaving her without her sense of self and her currently extensive vocabulary, indicative of a good life prior to the disease taking hold.
Doesn't it interfere with your daily life? The only way it's affected my daily life is my insatiable desire to bite others. And to walk with my arms straight out in front of me. It takes forever to get anywhere that way.
At this point the interview had to be abandoned, when Connoisseurista de Brains consumed the last inch of furry tail and exhibited her walking technique by advancing on the reporter, who fled. Clearly, the attempts to reach the population of Boulder regarding the threat of zombism must be accelerated. We are all at risk, if not from zombism, then from Connoisseurista de Brains.