Interview and review: Don't swear with your mouth full!

Dr. Cary Chugh has recently published his first book, “Don’t Swear with Your Mouth Full!” The title of the book aptly illustrates the frustration that parents feel when trying to discipline difficult children.
Whether your child has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, ADHD, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Autism, or is neurotypical but difficult, this book could change your parenting perspective. It can even help teachers who are at their wit’s end!

What’s in the book?

177 pages, bulleted main points, hilarious illustrations, and a new approach to teaching children self-control and correct behavior choices. Specifically:
 

Chapter One- Introduction.

Dr. Chugh introduces himself and the book’s concepts. It is also the first time he informs readers, “You will never have 100% control over your child!” What an idea!

Chapter Two- The luck of the draw

This chapter explains the temperamental traits that children are born with and how that fits in with different types of discipline environments

“’There’s a fine line between being a criminal and a cop!’ These kids are natural-born leaders or natural-born troublemakers, and it’s up to you to steer your child down the right path.”
 

By using a child’s innate ability to lead and control, you create an atmosphere of the child’s ultimate responsibility. He or she is truly responsible for and accountable to his or her choices. No more blaming parents, teachers or anyone else! After all, as Dr. Chugh said in his book:

“We want a child who can think for himself and make good choices in life. Unfortunately, even the best of us fall into parenting traps that undermine these goals.”
 

This is why parents need to know what is not working and why it is not working. Then later in the book Dr. Chugh suggests alternative approaches that will.
 

Chapter Three- When chores become wars
 

This chapter talks about the different types of “conventional” approaches, i.e. time based punishment. It explains in detail the limited choices parents have for getting their difficult child under control.

Chapter Four-You’re finally catching on
 

This chapter discusses why the conventional approaches do not work based on fundamental principles of behavioral science. The exact training he received helped him deconstruct why these suggestions do not work for difficult children.

Chapter Five- Behavior-Limited Discipline
 

Alternative approaches to discipline using behavior-limited approaches and how to apply them are discussed in this chapter. This is where Dr. Chugh gives you the ideas that will change your child’s behavior by using those same qualities that frustrate parents now but will be ideal for when the children become adults.

Chapter Six- Working with Older and Younger Kids
 

How to adapt these approaches for older (teens) and younger (pre-school) children are outlined in chapter six. The behavior-limited approaches can be used for anyone at any age. This chapter tells you how to adapt for the younger and older children in your life. Makes one wonder if it can change a spouse’s behavior!

Chapter Seven- from Teacher’s Pest to Teacher’s Pet
 

This section can help teachers apply this approach for in-school behavior problems and guides a parent into partnership with their child’s teachers and other authority figures so that everyone involved with caring for that child is on the same page. This will definitely help if your child constantly uses triangulation to get away with bad behavior.
 

Chapter Eight -Helping Kids learn from discipline
 

This section deals with discussing misbehavior, discipline and rewards with your child so that each situation is maximized for the best results. Learning from our mistakes is the key part of life for every child and adult!
 

Chapter Nine-Final Thoughts
 

This section includes a summary of the first eight chapters along with situation-based role play scenarios to show parents how to apply these strategies for common situations. The book shows you how to figure out for yourself how to apply these strategies for any situation but the scenarios are shown for instructional purposes and uses common types of misbehavior.
 

Dr. Chugh answered questions about this book:

Q: Are you familiar with James Lehman, creator of the Total Transformation Program? I used his program and his philosophies are very similar to yours, he just uses different words for it... i.e. Instead of "overcorrection" he calls it "making amends."

A: Total Transformation does have some good ideas; my book is different in the sense that it offers the first technical explanation on why these behavior-limited punishments are superior to time-limited punishments (and if I recall, I think he still uses time-based punishments for certain situations but I haven't looked at that program for awhile now...). Having this technical explanation isn't just nice to know; by having a better understanding of how punishment/reward schemes are put together, we can extend these ideas to fit any type of behavioral problem, instead of just guessing what corrective activity is most appropriate.

Q: The other difference between his program and your book is the time commitment from the parents. Some parents cannot commit to using a workbook and listening to audio CDs that takes up to 3 months to complete... Your book can be read in one sitting if one was truly motivated and parents of difficult children are often very motivated!
 

You say in your book that parents will never have 100% control of their children nor should they. Why not? If parents are charged with the responsibility of their child’s behavior, isn’t that a responsibility to “control” the child and his behavior?

A: I like telling people, “As soon as your child was conceived, you lost control!” We have to remember that our ultimate goal as parents is to raise our children to become increasingly independent from us. As kids get older, they spend more time away from their parents. If they do not learn to make good decisions on their own, without the help of their parents, they cannot possibly succeed as an adult. After all, even if we were somehow able to control our kids, when would they learn self-control?

Q: You mention in your book that a difficult child’s behavior, or the reason for it, extends beyond a blame game. Is finding someone or something to blame important? If not, why do parents so readily look for someone to blame (themselves and others) and why do teachers and strangers contribute to a culture of blame?

A: From a mental health standpoint, it is self-protective to blame others when things are not working out well. In fact, the field of Psychology has fallen into this trap in the past. In the 1950’s there was a line of research that concluded that some kids are “punishment insensitive”, while another line of research simply blamed parents for their children’s developmental and behavioral challenges. The root cause of lingering behavioral problems is usually more complex. Oftentimes, difficult behaviors intensify as a result of a toxic combination of a child’s difficult in-born traits and ineffective, arbitrary, time-limited punishments often favored by parents and teachers. Blaming others, while emotionally satisfying, is neither fair nor productive. As a child psychologist, my mission with this book is to promote tailored behavioral interventions that teach adults to work with the child’s in-born traits so that discipline becomes more nurturing and more effective.

Q: Can a parent change a child’s behavior without knowing what is causing it (e.g. no diagnosis, lack of parents’ knowledge of personality traits, etc.)

A: Absolutely! Whenever I do a psychological evaluation, I ask myself, “What if this child has nothing?” While knowing whether a child fits a diagnostic category can be useful in terms of setting reasonable expectations for his or her behavior, I always operate from the assumption that behavior training will be part of the treatment plan. In “Don’t Swear with Your Mouth Full!,” I describe the Poor Man’s Evaluation that explains how we can use technically sound discipline to get a better idea of when discipline is appropriate and when we should simply manage a child’s particular behavior.

Q: You say in your book there is no “right way” to parent a child because each child is unique. But is there a wrong way?

A: What I mean by this is that each child develops at his or her own pace and each child comes with unique challenges. There are two common mistakes that parents and school personnel make when working with highly challenging kids. The first mistake occurs when it is assumed prematurely that the child cannot control a specific behavior. If the adult manages a behavior before using good discipline, even if they are successful in doing so, the child now needs the adult to follow the rule and has not learned how to do it for himself. The second mistake is the opposite one. When parents and teachers attempt to punish or reward a particular behavior that the child cannot learn to control, the child will find ways to exert control, usually in the form of worsening oppositional behavior or the development of a negative self-image.

Q: You say, “Rarely do we psychologists ever question the validity of our techniques or theories once they become well established; instead, we try to figure out why you parents can’t understand how 2 + 1 = 4!” While funny… don’t you do the same thing later on when discussing why your approach, the behavior-limited approach, might not work for some parents? You state that the parents might be doing it incorrectly and should refer back to the book. Will there be some children who won’t benefit from this approach?
 

A: As with any approach, especially one that flies in the face of conventional wisdom, there is a learning curve. Before we can conclude that the child is not responding to behavior-limited discipline, it is important to make sure it is being used correctly. Earlier I alluded to the Poor Man’s Evaluation. The idea here is that if the child can control the behavior in question and the adult is using technically sound discipline, the behavior should improve. If the child does not have the capacity to control the behavior, no behavior plan will be effective. In these instances, behavior management is used. If behavior management is ineffective, we conclude that the child cannot control the behavior and we cannot control the behavior for the child. If these residual problems are so bad that they are interfering with the child’s academic or social progress, or they are posing a safety concern for the child, medication is considered. In other words, if the child can be taught a new behavior, behavior-limited discipline should be the first thing we try.

Q: You state in your book, “In cases where disruptive behavior is secondary to a specific psychiatric or developmental disorder, interventions are developed to address the issue underlying the disruptive behavior, and the “surface” behavioral problems are targeted with behavior management as opposed to behavior modification.” Does this mean for children who have bipolar disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, attention deficit hyperactive disorder or autism would not benefit from having behaviors modified but instead should be managed? Or does this mean that while teaching a child an appropriate behavioral response, he would not be punished for the resulting behavior but instead managed?

A: A child should never be punished for behaviors that are out of his or her control. If there is a known psychiatric or developmental disorder that is contributing to the disruptive behavior, addressing this underlying condition should be the primary goal. Sometimes the surface behaviors are dramatically reduced when the primary problems are successfully treated. For example, successfully using medication for a boy with severe hyperactivity and poor impulse control often has an immediate positive effect on his level of cooperation and direction following in general.

Q: You mentioned that in the past schools used a more behavioral-limited approach but dropped it over concern for a child’s self-esteem. James Lehman, MSW, has stated in articles, books, and so on that programs designed to boost self-esteem first in efforts to change behavior will ultimately fail. He says that a child recognizes “false” praise and would better benefit from obtaining a natural high self-esteem from accomplishing proper behavior. In other words, if using an approach (like your behavioral limited approach) that teaches the child the proper behavior, his self-esteem will rise as a natural result. Do you agree?

A: Most people have a misconception about how adults should go about promoting self-esteem. Self-esteem does not develop in children simply because they are told that they are loved, smart, or good. Self-esteem comes from the child’s experience that she can overcome obstacles and accomplish worthwhile things. Because conventional punishments end after the adult says so, the child has no role in fixing the problem. Because behavior-limited punishments require children to “show they are sorry” by rehearsing an alternative, better behavior, not only are they in complete control over ending the punishment, but they also have the experience of mastering a new skill or behavior. We don’t have to wait for this to occur naturally; we build it right into the intervention. In this respect, parents have to change their mindset from isolating, demoralizing time-based punishment schemes to a more nurturing, skills-building, “learning by working” approach.

Q: I have faced a similar issue recently and I know many parents would want an answer to this as well. Here is the question “My husband interrupted me correcting the children to yell. He doesn't appreciate my approach at all. He likes the instant gratification he gets with yelling. How can I convince him that the way he raised his children (from a previous marriage, who are "okay") is not the best way to raise mine? He says "my" way is too long drawn out. So of course, his interrupting and interfering undermines my authority and my son has reverted back to being oppositional! Or this question: "How do I get my child's teacher(s) on board of this behavior plan?"

A: People don't yell because it doesn't work. They yell because there is an instant payoff. However, yelling, threatening, and corporal punishment are all examples of behavior management strategies. In other words, these tactics may stop an unwanted behavior immediately, but the child learns nothing other than to avoid getting caught and the yelling adult is mean. Oh, they also learn how to yell! In other words, after yelling, your child learns to become better at arguing, better at hiding their misbehavior, and they become more dependent on the adult (the exact opposite of what we want). Whenever a parent yells at a child it means the parent cares about the behavior more than the child does. Of course, we want the child to care about the behavior more than the parent does so that when the parent isn't looking, the child continues to make good choices. While behavior-limited discipline may take more forethought and energy initially, the payoff in the end is great. With this new approach, kids learn that the best form of manipulation is by behaving and the responsibility for their fate is in their hands.

The best way to convince a spouse or teacher to use behavior-limited discipline, in addition to appealing to their logical side, is to demonstrate that it works for you first. There is a reason why children go to sleep before their parents - so we can talk about them! Discuss the problems your child is showing and explain to your spouse why you want to try behavior-limited discipline. If he gets too frustrated with your child, ask him to let you handle discipline for the next several weeks. Give him a brief summary of what you plan on doing and what his role should be. It is important that he understands that the behavior plan is still working even when the child refuses to comply. Give him a brief description each night of how you handled your child's misbehavior during the day and how it turned out. If you can get him to agree to not yell for a couple of weeks, he will see that the plan is working and he will want in! If he butts in by yelling, wait until the kids are asleep and explain what you would have done and why. This last idea works great for teaching teachers. If you get a note home about your child's behavior at school, send your own note back thanking the teacher for the update and describe of what you did at home to correct it. If it happens again, you can suggest strategies from Chapter 6 that the teacher can use in the classroom.

As one can see from the interview, this approach is not intuitive to nature sometimes. It is easier and quicker to yell at a child to get him or her to comply with a request. But as Dr. Chugh would point out, that only increases short-term behavior issues and can actually worsen the behavior over the long-term and you end up yelling louder each time to get less results. This book will help a parent avoid that and other parental traps that every parent falls into from time to time; even someone trained in child behavior!