Interracial relationship hell: son wants Mom to be blonde... partner says black culture is stupid

Contemplating whether or not to end relationship...

Dear Deborrah:
I am writing to you from Europe because I read your book recently, and because you are one of the few Black women advice columnists out there. I love your analysis of problems and the responses you give, and I hope you can help me find my way out of the mess I'm in.

I am a 37 year old Black woman who moved from San Francisco to Holland to be with my Dutch on-line love 7 years ago. We have two sons, aged 2 and 4. I gave up everything in the States to be with him and I really did love him at one point, but now I realize more and more we have nothing in common.

At one point I wanted to get married, but in this country most people with children don't get married for years. I am so angry at myself for even moving in with someone let alone having two children with him. Everything I've done goes against my upbringing and family values, which makes me ashamed of myself.

When I was in the Bay Area I had a great job as a pediatric RN at a major hospital, and I had my own home. But I was dateless for years because all I cared about was my career and education. People constantly told me how pretty I was but I was very shy and thought I was so dark-skinned that no brother would find me attractive.

Then I met the man I'll call "Joop" online and was flattered that he thought I was beautiful.  We had what I thought at the time was a lot to talk about and I left it all to be with him on my 30th birthday. "Joop" wants me to stay with him and work it out, but he can't understand how much I hate the fact I work as a secretary now and going from an RN it was a BIG drop.

Not only that, we have absolutely nothing to talk about. I hate that my sons refuse to speak English to me. "Joop" wants to learn NOTHING about my culture (he thinks I should be grateful to be in Holland because America is racist, but I think its racist HERE).

I can't talk about my family because I turned my back on all of them to come here. I don't even know where they are anymore. It angers me so much to have to explain to him who Martin Luther King or W.E.B. DuBois was while he can talk for hours on end about R&B music or the last episode of Jerry Springer they show here and think that's all there is to African-American culture.

This past summer I wanted to celebrate Juneteenth with the kids, and he thought it was stupid so that fell through. The last straw came when my 4 year old told me I didn't know anything and he wishes I was blonde because blondes are smart! I thought my kids (being male) would be safer in Holland but they are just becoming so anti-African it's not funny.

Should I leave him and stay in Holland until I get enough money to go back home? Should I try relationship counseling with him? What should I do about my boys? I can't believe I used to love him so much, but now I hate the sound of his voice asking what I perceive as insipid questions.

Signed,
Dutch Depression

Dear Dutch Depression:
There are good things in all situations. Hopefully your current situation has allowed you to appreciate yourself even more and realize that you are indeed beautiful and come from a long line of strong, beautiful people. Without self-confidence and an understanding of your value, no one will find you or your culture worthy of a second glance.

On a spiritual level, the truth here has nothing to do with your race, it is about your man's desire to maintain the upper hand, have dominion, and his marked lack of respect for you as a woman and person. There would be different issues if your man were Black, but the outcome and painful drama would be the same, which is why I feel that race is not the true issue.

When we find ourselves in a situation that is intolerable we have a couple of choices: (1) ask in a loving way for the other person to understand our pain, empathize, and take corrective action; (2) take Valium or some other mind-altering drug that will dull our senses and make us not feel the pain; or (3) leave and save ourselves from experiencing further pain. You have to make the choice.

The most important thing to do right now is to stand strong and get your children in line. There is no way a four year old should EVER say such disrespectful things to his own mother, especially things that discount her brown skin and elevate white skin and traits to superior levels. Your child needs to be put in check immediately about how he is to address his mother with respect. Not sure of the laws against spanking children in Holland, but in my parent's household such disrespectful utterances towards either parent would be grounds for a butt beating of memorable proportions.

Your conversation with your sons about respectful treatment of their mother should be followed up with a child-level discussion on loving who and what you are.  Both children need to know that a person's skin or hair color does not make them smarter, better, wiser, more deserving, nor entitle them to anything that a person of color is not equally entitled to. Your eldest son's attitude expresses self-hatred and a sense of inferiority, which is extremely sad to see in a preschool aged child.  After all, if YOU are not smart because your hair is not blonde, then HE is not smart either since he comes from you, the very woman he says "doesn't know anything."

Their father also needs to be put in check about how he talks to you, as his children are absorbing his negativity and racism. Unfortunately, your children will continue to reflect your husband’s contempt of a culture that you may have led him to believe didn’t support you. If you purposely or inadvertently downed your culture and your people as being unsupportive, overly critical and unloving, your man will have a hard time understanding why you would want your children to embrace that culture.

Reclaim your roots by contacting your family back here in the United States. With the growing popularity of social media on the web, you may be able to find someone in your family on Facebook. If not, there are dozens of websites with locator databases, as well as private detectives that can help you locate your relatives, so stop making excuses!  When you find your family, apologize profusely to the people that loved and sustained you for 30 years. Claim responsibility for your personal feelings of shame in your chocolate brown skin as well as your violation of family values. Make peace with yourself and your relatives, then take your sons with you for a visit so they can meet and interact with the other half of their family.

It may seem that you face an uphill battle when it comes to educating your boys and your man about African-American culture. However, I believe this fight and life lesson was presented to encourage you to grow, learn to accept yourself and be proud of your heritage and skin.  Though painful, through this challenge you will gain strength and learn to finally love yourself. 

Get busy, you have work to do.
 

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