Interracial dating
Dear Deborrah:
I have a question regarding interracial relationships. The thing is, I would like to start dating interracially, but I'm not sure or not if my reasons are good or bad. I mean, I have read websites that discuss why Black women are dating and marrying White men and men of other races. And as far as I know, my reasons aren't bad. But here are the reasons I would like to find a white man who prefers dating black women:
#1 Because I don't want to be treated like a girl off one of the videos.
#2 White men are more accepting, and don't expect you to always start drama.
#3 White men seem to be more easy going and don't play games.
#4 I would like to be able to find someone that truly cares about me, and not how much I make so they could go off and spend it on drugs or alcohol.
I hope those are good reasons. But just to let you know, I'm not at all opposed to dating Black men. I'm Black myself. But change would be really nice. Thank you again for your help and thoughts.
Signed,
Opening the Door to Love
Dear Opening:
I hate to burst your bubble, but dating “White” is no magic pill to cure the attitudes you describe above.
Though there are many White men who are attracted to and prefer to date Black women, many non-Black men have limited real world interaction with Black females. Instead, their opinions about who and what we are based largely on what they see television or in print in newspapers or on the web.
As we all know, the video hoochies are neither a realistic nor a first-class example of Black womanhood. Video girls are nothing but a male fantasy, an overt sexualization and bastardization of femininity. Rather than make any sort of sweeping generalizations about an entire race of men, you would do best to talk honestly and openly to the particular guy in question. Dialogue with him about race and gender to get a feel for what his attitudes are about Black women. You need to make sure he is not forming his opinion about you based on his VH1, BET or MTV viewing.
Though I grew up in San Francisco and interact with people of all races and ethnicities, I cannot say that White guys are "more easy going" with regards to their stereotypes of women’s attitudes and behaviors, especially when it comes to Black women. Many hear garbage about Black women from Black men they are either buddies with or work with. Or they see the loud, aggressive, neck working, finger pointing, hand on the hip Shenaynay types portrayed on television and are quick to believe that must be the way ALL black women are.
Others have expressed to me that Black women are “too strong” and would be a challenge to their manhood. From the stories told, these guys felt that Black women would resist being “handled” in the way they were used to "handling" White women.
Stereotypes about Black women abound and for some reason they tend to be overwhelmingly negative. I don’t understand though why men are so quick to choose nasty associations rather than positive ones. Why not believe that ALL black women are like Mrs. Claire Huxtable – sophisticated, educated, strong, classy and STILL sexy and loving to her man?
Women of dozens of ethnicities have written to me over the years - White American women, European women, women that can barely write or speak English that reside in other countries all over the world. And I can say without a doubt that men of all nationalities are alcoholics, abusive, liars, cheaters or drug addicts. Men of all races act stupid sometimes! Men of all races run away from responsibilities. Men of all races take advantage of women financially and sexually. These are common threads. The negative behaviors you describe are not at all limited to Black men!
Black women like you need hope, so you choose to believe that the cure for your pain and confusion will come from a man of a different race. In reality, it is going to come when you learn to make different choices, and assess the men you meet using more stringent criteria. In reality, it is going to come from a man of a different MINDSET, and he may or may not be White.
The San Francisco Bay Area is rich in culture, with foods and opportunities to enjoy the lifestyles and people from every corner of the world. The options for finding love here are plentiful. So while I agree that you should increase your options and open the door to allow the love you seek to come to you from a man of any race, I want you to be realistic.
Men are men.
Do not assume that just because someone is not Black that he is going to be better, play fewer games, be more honest, less hurtful, or that you will automatically have a better relationship with him.
Stereotypes of all sorts are dangerous.
Submit your own dating advice question, and be sure to sign up for the subscription feed so you know when your letter has been published. If you prefer a private consultation and immediate response, look into Bullseye Dating Coaching Services. A confidential 15 minute session with Deborrah is just $40.
Comments
i dont think date out side your race is bad we are all human but are skin color is not the same i am a white man and i have some very pretty blk female that i would'n mind dateing i have not date a one yet but that dont meant i wont if the time come i have a chance i take so blk and wht are just colors that it
Hello, I read your article and think it is very sweet. I personally think that dating certainly comes down to the individual and how much respect they have for woman in general. But I am white and most of my friends are white and we dont look at black woman as stereotypical or anything like the gentleman said to your response. Thats kind of easy to lump all white men in a category of that kind of demeanor. But with that being said, good white men are very loving people and do not think that "Or they see the loud, aggressive, neck working, finger pointing, hand on the hip Shenaynay types portrayed on television and are quick to believe that must be the way ALL black women are." in fact most of the black woman I have met are smart, beautiful, and outgoing. Nothing like the stereotypical outside view that some black men might have of us. Hope you find what you are looking for. Your beautiful and deserve a good man no matter what color he is.
blame on it on your poor selection skills not our race. It the character of that individual. But the losers you were dating aren't the representative of our race. Its 2009! Just find a man and good one. Even if he's purple. EVALUATE YOURSELF!!!!
I grew up in a white area and always heard steriotypes about black women. about them being ghetto and uneducated and about them baby momma drama and food stamps... blah blah blah Its all BULL.. It depends on the person not the race.. I met the most amazingly beautiful black women ever. She is intelligent a RN to be exact she is sweet loving and caring. She is my sole mate. I have more incommon with her than i have had with any white woman. It truly believe its the person not the color...
I've fantasized about having my 1st black woman since puberty, I conisder it quite a turn on XOXOXOXOXOXOX David
Ok, here it is... I am a white man (Italian/ British). Historically, I have dated mostly black women. I am not ashamed of my reasons; it comes down to personal preference. End of story. In most cases, I find myself well-received by the women I have dated. After all, I prefer peaceable relations. The sticking point, however, is that people are people and they have the propensity to do "people things". What I mean by this is that people have a whole lot of junk floating around in their minds and that relationships oftentimes get all screwed up because people fail to communicate amongst one another. One thing is for sure, this idea of certain traits being indicative of white people or black people is getting very tiresome. As far as I am concerned, race and ethnicity only pertain to relationships to the extent of physical appeal (appearance,manner, sound of someone's voice, color of eyes). REMEMBER THIS: whatever relationship you pursue, you still have to deal with whomever you choose.
She's enlightened to look beyond her racial boundaries. Oprah did a segment on single Black woman and revealed what a lot of us social science students already know, which is most Black women look for Black men and stay single until they find a good one. As Oprah revealed though, the numbers aren't there: there aren't enough eligible Black bachelors for every eligible Black bachelorette. The math is simple. Some eligible Black bachelorettes have to look elsewhere for a good man--or remain single. But that's OK! The Human Genome Project proved race is not based on biology or genetics. Who's Black and who's White for example, is based on what people identify with and what people see, not some DNA configuration that can be identified in all people with the same skin color and hair texture! Even if it was, it wouldn't matter. All male and female human bodies evolved to fit together to mate, regardless of skin color, hair texture, dialect, and ancestry!
Black women need to broadnen their horizons and date and marry out. Color should not be a factor to love. I date interracially and think NOTHING bout it as at the end of the day a man is a man no matter his color. it is all about how that man treats you. Since black men are marrying out in droves; why not black women do the same? Not because black men are doing it, but to find love themselves and to stop restricting themselves by waiting on a blackman. Sell out or not, black women need to seek out their own happiness without strictions or according to race.
I have NEVER bought into the 'black man shortage' crap; this is nothing more than a fallacy considering the fact that black men are simply not interested in or value black women. Black women wake up and STEP OUT!
Brownie the FALLACY is the one you just attempted to push.. that Black men are simply not interested in or value Black women"- the CENSUS RECORDS REGARDING MARRIAGE BY "RACE" show CLEARLY, that of all the men interested in Black women and who value them enough to MARRY THEM.. BLACK MEN VALUE, LOVE AND MARRY BLACK WOMEN MORE THAN ANY OTHER GROUP OF MEN DO!!
So while you are using asinine justifications for chasing white men & laying with them.. like, "Since Black Men are out Marrying in Droves"- YOU actually prove to the more informed that you are a PROPAGANDIST and a liar! The percentage of unmarried black males is slightly higher than that of Black females and of Black men who DO marry, NINETY SIX PERCENT OF THEM MARRY BLACK WOMEN- so if "droves" to you equal the FOUR PERCENT - let's clearly acknowledge that the 96% of Black men who marry BLACK WOMEN ARE HORDES AND HORDES AND HORDES , close to the ENTIRETY of black men..MARRY BLACK WOMEN!!
If we were ACTUALLY to look at who REALLY is not interested in Black women and who values the black female the least, it would HAVE TO BE THE VERY GROUP OF MALES everyone is trying to sell us on- WHITE MEN-- when one looks at the US Census marriage chart, we see that A BLACK FEMALE IS THE WHITE MAN'S LEAST CHOSEN FEMALE FOR MARRIAGE!!!
First he marries white females in DROVES
Second, ASIAN females
Then OTHER females ( whatever makes up OTHER it isn't BLACK WOMEN)
and then, and then, in DEAD last comes the BLACK WOMAN
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interracial_marriage_in_the_United_States
So, using this irrationality and lack of logical justification of "Black men are dating out" to justify the incorrectness of Black females taking white men as sexual partners in a system of Racism ( White Supremacy) is totally incorrect, illogical and SILLY!
its the person!!!! not the race.
People are mor ingorant today then yesterday...It's about respect...Not abour a brouther calling you a bitch,because you want something more....
Interesting, Deborah, that you transition from denouncing the stereotypes of black women directly into a gross generalization of men in general.
I am glad I found this website. I am an African American woman who is a full-time student. I have always wondered about the behavior of cultural mixes. Family heritage has always been an interest but I do notice the distinct differences in how every african-american women women will have an experience at least once in her life from that one critical black man that leaves a scar in our memory of bringing up a comparison between a black woman and a white women and say that black women are least liked because of attitude. I didn't grow up with black women but mainly black mails. I do not have any sisters and the one sister I do have is japanese. The only other cultural group I have dated have been white men outside of my race. It just so happens that white men were more intrigued and valued me more than black men. The only black men that truly valued me were my brothers and I beleive they are far from any stereotypical image. Why do black men initiate comparisons when others don't
Welcome to my world. I am fair skined. I was on craigslist just to see what's out there. Karlene who is black, did the same. I am white come from a very sterotype family. The Jokes, The judgements, high school was 1 percent black. Well guess what? I got married at 20, had a beautiful baby girl (kimberly). My marriage couldn't be more misserable. If she fooled around on me I would have taken her to his house, and so on. White men go through the same as any other race. Don't be fooled! Karlene and her graddaughter, who I am very fond of,calles me a drama queen. Karlene has 1 daughter with 3 kids of her own, bisexual, complete with all the baggage. I love Karlene very much. I hope she feels the same for me. She has been abused in the past. No one should be treated like crap. No one. If that's the case pack your bags and leave.. Anyway, her family likes me, I really like them. I dropped all the sterotypes. We have been together for 2 years. Maybe just maybe we can find a future together.
What it truly boils down to is the decision making process that black women or all women make when choosing a mate especially someone you will be introducing to your family as someone you want to share your life with. Think about it if a woman begins to date a man at her it would normally take 90 days to see what you’re truly dealing with when it comes to the character of a man, some pretty relevant aspects of that character should start to manifest it to you. If not by 6 months to a year you should definitely know what you’re dealing with by then. When you do choose a man know that this is your decision and you have to live with that choice stop taking your pain out those who have not hurt you just because your angry and hurt. As a black man I can not say I haven't thought of dating White Women only because of hurtful situations that took place not that I thought White women were better than Sistas.
Its about what ones needs are,chemistry, values, ethics, morals, and preconceived notions. Who can predict what time changes as we mature and get to know what makes us happy. Knowing oneself, is step 1. Looking in the mirror and loving who you see. White Black or purple, we are all the same on the inside. Do I find this person desireable, attractive, sexy, mature, capable of providing, is he or she honest, caring, intellegent, understanding?
Can I believe that if things get tough, he or she will stand beside me and we face lifes challenges as a team you and me together forever............ Its all about LOVE! Love knows no Color..........
im a blk woman dating a white man for the first time, and its not his color that i look at its his heart and i know that he loves me and at the end of the day thats all that matters, i get much respect, love and honesty.
I am a white man who was adopted by a black mom and white dad who also had black son from a prior marriage. We grew up together not knowing about color until the hateful kids make fun of us in school. I loved my brother, and would give my life to save his if needed. But he was so into being black, he couldn't get see past it. I listened to mom, studied hard, stayed out of trouble, but my brother got into drugs and alcohol. Nothing I did or said got to him. He always said it's because I was white that I will always do better then him. That stupid idiot believed that because he was black he couldn't make it. I know for a fact that he was smarter then me. He scored higher on IQ tests and when he tried, he could learn faster and easier then me. That stupid jerk is in jail now.
The only reason I mention this is because there is allot of black hating being black out there. I'm in love with a black woman. She is having the same kinds of problems as my brother. When I look at her, I love her, and I don't see her as a black woman. I just see her as the woman I love. She loves me, and she loves her family, and she gives herself to her family. I never thought I could love another person as much as I love her. But she tells me she wakes up thinking "A black lady just woke up". Know what I mean? She won't marry me because I'm white. She thinks I'm just feeling sorry for her.
I have dated black women before, and a lot of people are right, it's the person not the race, color should not be a factor with love, I love all women equally. I was told not to date outside my race when I was dating, which I said screw that and dated black women anyway, and could not be happier that I found that freedom. Do what makes you happy. Love the person, not the color.
i would love to find a beautifull black woman for my long term and last relationship, its impossible in the usa, good luck!!
Hey hon, let me paint things in a different light.
Black people make up about 17% (At least I think) of the US Population. The human race is diversified... but with a 17% comparison rated, there are going to be 4 to 5 TIMES as many people of a specific type among other races than blacks. This means for every black man you meet who treats you like a Video hoochy, there are going to be 5 non black men who treat you the same way. Dating outside your race doesn't increase or decrees the chance of meeting an a-hole.
Secondly, the hoochies you see on television aren't real... the made up false persona, so when you're dealing with someone who wants to treat you like one of them, you're dealing with an immature person. Treat them as such, treat yourself to a MAN regardless of the color of his skin.
Thridly the people who betray those people are often some of the most intelligent, and wonderful people you ever want to meet. They do their jobs, go home and become real people. Take an example from them... never let people -TREAT- you like anything. BE who you want to be.
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