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Interracial dating: Black woman with Asian man feels something is missing

Dear Deborrah:
I am from the Bayview Hunter's Point area of San Francisco, but was lucky enough to get great grades in school, and a scholorship to college. My parents are so proud of me and I marvel at how different my life is from the girls I grew up with.

Right now I am living in Japan and have been for over a year. I have been dating a Japanese guy for about 11 months. Although he treats me like a queen; something is missing. Before I met him I had never dated interracially and find that I am missing what I used to get from dating a Black man. The most basic thing missing here is a common background/upbringing.

The whole discovery thing took place over about a six month period, so I only recently realized what I felt. Although the Japanese culture is interesting, I miss what I know. I have sadly realized that I do not love him as much as he loves me, but he is talking marriage and long term commitment.

My plans are to leave Japan and go to graduate school in the UK in July. My question to you is should I let him wait for me as he plans to or just end it before I go?


Dear Dene:
Some years ago I might have answered your question a lot differently than I am going to answer it now. The more years I've spent in the dating and relationship advice field, and the more I see and hear from people around the world, the more I realize that women are stupid.

With that said, listen to this.

You have in your hands and arms a man that loves you, that treats you like you are special and unique and precious. You have in your hands a man that wants to be with you for the rest of his life, that will honor and respect and adore you.

Yet you write me whining about some nonsense that you "are used to" which evidently didn't get you anywhere. Right? Because you sure didn't mention how any of those BLACK men treated you like you were a queen!

Girlfriend, life is about changing. A young lady that had the gumption and skill set to get her butt out of the projects of Bayview/Hunter's Point and onto the fast tract of academic success via international studies and a graduate degree from Oxford University is special indeed. Why you are wasting your time focusing on the past and longing for someone that has a similar ghetto upbringing is beyond my understanding.

My very first boyfriend was half Chinese/half Hawaiian. Stanley was tall, beautiful, had golden brown skin, big brown eyes, full juicy lips, and he totally adored me. My problem was that I was only 16 and my Dad wasn't having it. I often wonder where he ended up, and how my life would have been different if I had been just a little older and able to do what I wanted without the "minor child" limit.

Black women are slowly embracing interracial relationships with men of other ethnicities. Over the past year or so there have been several books written by Black females about dating outside the race. For some reason Black women have clung to the Black man and accepted disrespect, abuse, cheating and a host of other negative behaviors simply because they were too stubborn to date men of other races.

I advocate opening the door to love from whatever source it comes because Black women deserve to have love and the devotion of an adoring partner just like women of any other race.

Since you don't the "minor child" problem that I had at 16, you are free to do whatever you want with whomever you want to do it. What I don't want you to do is discount the value of the love you have while you fantasize that you would get anything better from a Black man, just because he grew up in the projects eating hot dogs, pork rinds, Kool Aid and collard greens like you did! That is a really dumb way to choose a mate.

A woman must choose her mate from the mindset and lifestyle, educational and financial success level that she is at RIGHT NOW. She should choose a mate that is in agreement with her way of thinking about gender roles in marriage, raising a family, morals, values, and forward growth. You should be looking for a partner that is on your current level, not worrying about some jackleg suckas from your past that obviously aren't on your level in any way.

Remember, the girl in the projects is not you, not anymore. If you truly cannot reconcile your current self and your humble beginnings, I suggest you investigate counseling. It is going to be necessary for you to stop looking behind you at what used to be, and turn around and look forward to all the glory, riches, blessings and love that can be yours if you open your mind to the fact that love may come to you wrapped in a package that you never expected.

I cannot tell you whether to let this man go or not - that has to be your sole decision. Black women are very stubborn and only recently beginning to broaden their horizons and investigate love, commitment and marriage in large numbers with men of other races. It's funny because Black men have been dating and marrying women of other races in large numbers for decades.

You must learn to accept love, understand the blessings you have received, and stop negating it just because it doesn't come wrapped in the chocolate brown package that you thought it would.


  • Candice 4 years ago

    Homegirl is just missing black dyck wrapped in collard greens thats all. lol. She betta get over it, cuz dyck come a dime a dozen!And probably got a dozen kids too. Leave that project mentality behind girlfriend and live out loud! Deborrah told you right!

  • RL 4 years ago

    I would advise that this young lady go with what she feels. Staying with a man because its practical isn't the best idea. Wait to fall in love with the right man. Wait until your heart feels he is the right man for you, don't fall victim to the world others would create for you. Ask yourself if you will need passion, and attraction and chemistry as well as other practical things. If the answer is yes and you still marry this man, you'll be miserable in about a year trying to force feed yourself something you do not desire. Run for the hills and wait for the right man to come, Black, White, Asian or other.

  • Elaine 4 years ago

    I agree with the first commenter. You WILL find another man who treats you like a queen! Long term relationships are hard enough w/o this stress. If you don't love him as much as he loves you, you are doing him no favors by staying in the relationship. And I can tell you care about him.

  • PGBW 4 years ago

    I am seriously over so many of these clueless Black women who are stuck on stupid. You NEVER see nor hear Black males talking this crap. They blissfully run off and marry, date and mate with all races of women. yet you still have Black women longing for a group of men that typically care less about Black women.

    Frankly, Dene you don't deserve him. Leave and don't look back and let a REAL woman who knows what true love is, receive that gift. Go wait on your Black KING like the rest of the silly Black women who will be old and gray before they realize how they've missed out. Let the Black women who want to be love and admired and treated kindly by A MAN take up the big girl role of falling in love. Do yourself AND EVERYONE ELSE A FAVOR - Stick with Black men. PLEASE.

  • Carl 4 years ago

    Here is my problem with the advise of the author. As a Black man I am insulted that the author had to catagorize Black men in the totality as being disrespectful, abusive, cheaters and a host of other negative behaviors. While I admit the fact that there are SOME Black men that are that way, I also admit that there are White men, Asian men, Hispanic men, Indian men, etc that have these negative traits.

    I also admit that there are Black women, White women, Asian women, India women, etc that are disrespectful, abusive, cheaters and a host of other negative behaviors.

    My point is there are negative instances for all races and genders, please don't assign it solely to Black men in order to make your point.

    My advise to Dene. Love who you love for the reasons that make sense to you. If that is a man who is White, Asian, Hispanic or otherwise, so be it.

    Love who you love. Release everyone else from a relationship that you can't participate in at a healthy maturing manner.

  • Faith 4 years ago

    Thank the LORD you offered her some COMMON SENSE advice!!

    Ignore the black male commenter because this isn't about YOU.

    Ignore all the naysayers!

    I seriously hope this woman gets with the program because she's going to throw away a good one and live to regret it later.

    She needs to go to therapy anyway and work through may of the layers of indocrination she hasn't begun to deal with as well as the lifestyle changes she experiencing.

    There are many well-written web sites I recommend for black American women living optimal lives away from the "rules" of the black community where they need to put themselves and their needs FIRST!!

    Then go through their blog rolls.

    I urge ALL African-American women who grew up in lower economic AND all-black environments to do a COMPLETE overhaul of all their notions.

  • RL 4 years ago

    If you truly feel he is such a
    "good one", by all means, marry him yourself. Again, it's never a good idea just to marry a man because it seems practical or he's nice to you. Wait for the one you love, no matter what color. There are many men to love of all races. Love is spirtual and has no boundaries. Maybe you need to erase some of what you have been indoctrinated with. It appears this sort of thinking is going from Right to Left. Balance is needed here.

  • Deborrah Cooper 4 years ago

    @Carl - obviously since you are not a Black woman, you have no clue about the mass disrespect, abuse, cheating, etc. that millions of Black women endure daily. You think I am not going to speak on it just to make YOU feel better? Think again homey. The reality is that Brothas need to get their crap together and treat BW like they are queens. But we both know that isn't the case. In this instance she has someone that treats her well. I wouldn't care if dude was green with pink polka dots, he loves her and she deserves to have that love. What she and no other woman should ever do is turn her back on love thinking that she is going to get better from someone just because she and he are the same skin color. That is my point. Notice, the writer didn't say she missed the positive regard and loving treatment she had from Black men. Nope! All she misses is a fantasy. This guilt that BW have about "abandoning" Black men is quite common. I want her to get the hell over it.

  • Zabeth 4 years ago

    My question is: if this man treats you like a queen, values you, makes you happy, and you enjoy being with him, than what's not to love??? Sometimes we women make love a whole lot more complicated that it really needs to be.

    Further, what exactly is it that you feel is missing? If you can't articulate what that something is, than maybe it isn't really something at all.

    I understand that you may be young, but 10 or 15 years from now you may feel like you've missed out on a truly loving and fulfilling relationship; and you may regret that.

    As Faith said, I do think you have some indoctrination you need to work through but, I do urge you to really think long and hard before walking away from what seems to be a good man.

  • lifebehindthewall 4 years ago

    Well... as a black woman living in China married to an Asian man.. I think this girl.. needs to grow up... and realize exactly what she has. She needs to understand how difficult it is to find a man that loves you and treats you right... no matter the color ... If you miss things you are familiar with it is probably because you are living in another country... and you are missing the American ways... It is not that you really miss Black men.. you just miss black people... and you can find them in every country if you look. Don't mess up what you have . just like most people are trying to tell you , you have a good man; dont trade him out for a dream or fantasy that may not exist ... you need to look within yourself and really see what is going on. When someone loves you, that is special and you dont want to just throw it away.

  • Raz 4 years ago

    The brothas are tripping. They run off and be with nonblack women all the time, and while they are doing it, they are steadily telling the sistahs all the reasons that black men don't want her and would prefer to date 'other'. Yet as soon as a black woman starts listing all the reasons they too should date 'other' then here comes the brothas whining and mad because they don't like hearing that. They want to be the only one who find fault with the sistahs and why 'they' think they aren't marriageable, but don't like it when the sistahs turn around and say it to them. Go head Deborrah, great advice! Carl and these other brothas get over yourselves.

  • Trisha 4 years ago

    Great advice. You should definitely be with the one who treats you the best. I'm a Black woman married to an Asian man, and I couldn't be happier. Focus on what's on the inside, you'll be happier.

  • A.J. 4 years ago

    I agree with Carl. There is no need to stereotype all black as being abusive or disrespectful. And most importantly, as a black woman, I am offended that the advise Deborah is giving is basically to take what you can get and forget about finding the man who YOU love, not just someone who loves you. Follow your heart, if you don't love him, move on to someone else. There are plenty of men (black or otherwise) who will love you, the key is to believe it :)

  • celia 4 years ago

    I agree with RL. Dene sounds like she just really isn't too interested in this man and doesn't like Japanese culture all that much-lukewarm at best. She's geared up to leave it. Not a good combination to start out a relationship. Her bond with him should be a LOT more solid in order to make it through cultural differences, and it must not be. It doesn't sound like she's ready for marriage either.
    I also notice that she said she'd never dated interracially even in the US. She only has her experiences with black Americans to compare. She might find that an American born person of any race would work just as well as a black american man. Or even a Western born or westernized international man, perhaps.
    I'd advise her to set this man free and keep dating other types of men-she'll have many opportunities in the UK. There are many more international people in there as well.

  • Becca Beanz 4 years ago

    You should be grateful that you have a guy who loves you. ALL relationships hit rough spots where one, or both people start getting bored or begin thinking about other people. Its normal and expected if you are planning to be with someone for the rest of your life. PERFECTION DOES NOT EXIST! It never has and never will. You have a man who loves you, you should love him back for that reason alone. Too many people give up too easily these days. We live in a world of instant gratification and everyone wants to FEEL something constantly. When it comes to relationships, its taking a toll on our society and others around the world. Love isn't like in the movies at all. Yet, you have what many people dream of. So please, be a little more grateful to him, and have some patience. Maybe the two of you should do something spontaneous together. Talk more, travel, just something - ANYTHING where its just you two and have a REAL talk. Get to know him again. You both deserve it, and need it.


  • 3/4 of 1/2 4 years ago

    it's no big deal to do interracial today, unlike many decades ago it would have been public scorn from family and the rest of the world. one thing must be noted. asian culture, especially from the parent's point of view, are often hung up on skin color, probably even worse than white people. if the parents are from the very old culture, they never change their prejudicial views. they're stuck on it like super glue. but times have changed and the better for it. you go for what matches up close enough of a fit to yourself.

  • Lib 4 years ago

    I'm sorry, but does anyone else notice that some commenters seem to be encouraging this young woman to hate herself. She doesn't love this man! Why should she love him JUST because he loves her! Consider all of the guys you passed up and don't day dream about who loved you. Should you have been grateful just because they treated you well?

    There is nothing wrong with remaining open until she meets someone who she actually does love. Certainly if it is just because the guy isn't black there is a problem, but it might simply be that this Japanese guy (another might be a different story) can't relate to her experiences and she needs her partner to be able to understand where she is coming from. Granted she didn't word that the best way in her letter, but did anyone consider this before they told her she should just be happy somebody cares for her like she isn't worthy of the type of affection she desires?

  • Well 4 years ago

    Reading the comments, they're not saying she should hate herself but she cant just throw away a GOOD relationship like that away. The Japanese man she is(or was)with is a very good one. From any race, you need someone that loves you, treats you like a queen and respects you. Why take two steps back just because of upbringing? Why give up someone who treats you like a queen for someone who'll forget you're even a person? So I wont say that she should hate herself but she needs some serious thinking.

    I know I'm late on this but I wanted to say it anyway

  • Anonymous 4 years ago

    I say you should not let a good thing go that has come your way. In your mindset it's kind of like you are confused whether your into him.Just try not to let that interfere with how you will feel later if he is no longer in your life and if you are having doubts about your relationship with him just take a day to think about how truly feel about him.That also includes where you see yourself five years is it with him? Also if you worried about how other people will react to dating or marrying someone from a different race =, just remember that you have to do what makes you happy. BEST OF LUCK TO YOU

  • Let go and let live 3 years ago

    Most of you are delusional. She doesn't want to stay with him? She should leave and let someone who feels as strongly for him as he will for them. I would not want someone staying with me because they felt bad or that they might not ever find a good partner again.

  • Gia 2 years ago

    PREACH GIRL!! I thought the exact same thing, "dick."

  • Anonymous 7 months ago

    While what you said is true most of the traits that she said are most found in the majority of black men If they want they can blame the white man and all who enslave them but guess what there are black women out there who have just as hard be you don't see them constantly whining. no they suck it up and continue living the best way they can and hope for a brighter future. the few good black men that are still out there if those trait don't pertain to you then ignore it and move on because guess what black women get just as much crap to so while your "defending the black man" which isn't need because tell you the truth black women and every other women out there knows the majority of black men throw backs and some are keepers.