Info 101: Relationship meltdown and the effect on children

Kourtney Karadashian conceived a child with her ex-fiance after forgetting to take a contraceptive pill. The 30-year-old reality star revealed her news on Wednesday, following it up by confirming she had reunited with former beau Scott Disick after learning she was expecting his child. Now Kardashian confesses the pregnancy is down to her "stupidity" and bad memory. During an appearance on Ryan Seacrest's radio show on Wednesday, she admits, "This probably sounds so dumb, but there's so many times I'll forget to take my pill and I don't think it's that big of a deal. It's just so stupid."

 

                                                                           1.     What you do matters.

2. You cannot be too loving.

3. Be involved in your child's life

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child

5. Establish and set rules.

6. Foster your child's independence

7. Be consistent.

8. Avoid harsh discipline.

9. Explain your rules and decisions.

10. Treat your child with respect

1. What is Cohabitation? 

There has been a sevenfold increase in unmarried-couple households since 1970.

An unmarried-couple household is composed of two unrelated adults of the opposite sex (one of whom is the householder) who share a housing unit with or without the presence of children under 15 years old. The count of unmarried-couple households is intended mainly to estimate the number of cohabiting couples, but it may also include households with a roommate, boarder, or paid employee of the opposite sex. Since 1970, the number of unmarried-couple households has grown from 523,000 to 3.7 million in 1994. There were 7 unmarried couples for every 100 married couples in 1994, compared with only 1 for every 100 in 1970. About one-third had children under 15 years old present in the home.

The number of children living with never-married parents is on the rise.

Children living with one parent (18.6 million) represented 27 percent of all children under 18 years old in 1994, up from 12 percent in 1970. The majority lived with their mother, but an increasing proportion lived with their father. In 1994, 12 percent of the children in a one-parent situation lived with their father, up from 9 percent in 1970.

Of the children who lived with one parent, the proportion who lived with a parent who has never married has grown by one-half in the past decade (from 24 to 36 percent), while the proportion who lived with a divorced parent has declined (from 42 to 37 percent). In 1983, a child in a one-parent situation was almost twice as likely to be living with a divorced parent as with a never-married parent; whereas today, the child is just as likely to be living with a divorced parent as with a never-married parent (37 percent compared with 36 percent, respectively). The proportion of children living with a separated parent decreased from 23 to 18 percent between 1983 and 1994, and the proportion living with a widowed parent decreased from 8 to 4 percent.

We find that children living with cohabitors are more likely to be poor, food insecure, read to infrequently, and exhibit behavioral problems than children living with married couples but less likely to be poor and food insecure than those living with a single mother. Between 1997 and 1999, there is some evidence to suggest that the well-being of children living with both their unmarried biological parents (i.e., cohabiting parent families) improved relative to children in general. However, this is not the case for children living with one parent and that parent's boyfriend/girlfriend who is not the child's father/mother (i.e., cohabiting partner families). Finally, we find that the changing characteristics of cohabiting parents account for about one-third of the decline in poverty among children living with unmarried parents.

When it comes to living together with a man, daughters often follow the lead of their mothers, according to a new study.

Research showed that young adult women whose mothers reported cohabitation were 57 percent more likely than other women to report cohabitation themselves. In addition, daughters of cohabiting mothers tended to cohabit at earlier ages than others.

The likelihood that sons would cohabit was not affected by whether their mothers lived with a man outside marriage, but there were other effects: sons were more likely to cohabit if their mothers were divorced or had their first child at an early age.

While there has been a lot of research on how divorce affects children, this is one of few studies on the impact of cohabitation, said Zhenchao Qian, another co-author and associate professor of sociology at Ohio State .

More than one-third of all births in the United States in 2003 were to unmarried women.

“As more people enter into cohabiting relationships and have children, we have to recognize that this could have long-term effects on these children as they enter adulthood,” Qian said.

2. The Difference for Children Between Marriage and Cohabitation 

In recent years, there has been a noticeable change in the formation of unions throughout America.  More and more people are choosing cohabitation, whether it be in terms of a stepping stone towards eventual marriage, or a preferable alternative to marriage altogether.  This shift in the general attitude towards marriage and commitment has large implications for the current state of our social system and the individuals who interact within it.  The purpose of my research proposal will be to analyze the effects of cohabitation, not only on relationship stability and quality, but also on economic aspects of the union.  It is generally accepted that cohabiters have a weaker relationship base compared to their married counterparts, but I would like to empirically recognize the possible effects of economic stability or instability, and how it relates to the formation of a particular union, and the strength of that union.  Is it preferable to cohabitate with a partner if he/she is economically unstable?  Are women more open to the idea of cohabitation due to recent strides in the business world and their subsequent lack of need for a male provider?  These are some of the questions I hope to address within this proposal, and in an effort to fully address these questions, I plan to use the rational choice framework.  Economics can be considered to be one of the most rational studies within our society, and I am assuming here that each actor enters a union in part for his/her own benefit, and would not cause undue stress to their own financial means.

1. Do You Just Need a Time Out? 

In the article “Adaptation and the Set-Point Model of Subjective Well-Being” in the April issue of Current Directions in Psychological Science, Richard E. Lucas (Michigan State University and German Institute for Economic Research, Berlin) reviews some recent studies suggesting that adaptation to changing life circumstances only goes so far. “Happiness levels do change, adaptation is not inevitable, and life events do matter,” Lucas asserts.

To study adaptation, Lucas and his colleagues used data from two large national prospective panel studies — one in Germany and the other in Great Britain. Unlike most previous studies of adaptation, these data were able to capture levels of life satisfaction both prior to and after major life events like marriage, divorce, unemployment, and illness or disability.

Lucas found that not all of life’s slings and arrows are created equal. On average, most people adapt quickly to marriage, for example — within just a couple of years, the peak in subjective well-being experienced around the time of getting married returns to its previous levels. People mostly adapt to the sorrows of losing a spouse too, but this takes longer — about 7 years. People who get divorced, however, do not, on average, return to the level of happiness they were at previously. The same is true of people who become unemployed: They do not fully bounce back, even after getting a new job.

 

Even though fatherhood research began back in the 1970s, many people don’t seem to realize the extent of fatherlessness and its affects (Sylvester & Reich, 2002). Social awareness about the importance of fathers has increased with programs like the National Fatherhood Initiative which has enlisted the help of many celebrity actors and athletes. Dr. Ken Canfield of the National Center for Fathering has said, “We need to change mindsets so that the public understands that fathers have something to offer children beyond what mothers offer—that the influence of two parents is good for children” (Sylvester & Reich, 2000, p. 24).
Decreasing father absence can be done by promoting stable marriages and discouraging out-of-wedlock pregnancy. One author has even shown how the growth of out-of-wedlock births was the key factor in the increasing the child poverty rate (15-20%) between 1970 and 1996 (Sawhill, 2006). Efforts should be made to specifically educate young men about the effects of father absence to limit fathering children out-of-wedlock, and to support them if they do. Our nation should take notice at how much money is spent by our federal government on fatherless families, but especially in this time of economic instability. One study entitled, “The one hundred billion dollar man: The annual public cost of father absence” found that a total of $99.8 billion dollars was spent each year on direct assistance to father-absent homes. The authors explain that this

Below are questions you should ask yourself before you get divorced. Go over these questions together, as a couple. Should you decide divorce is the answer for you, at least your spouse won’t be blindsided by your feelings.

1. Do you still have feelings for your spouse?

Have your feelings diminished or, are you feeling powerless over a problem in the marriage and due to this, there is a lack of emotional closeness. If there are still feelings of love and affection then you should work on the relationship before deciding on divorce. You do not want to get caught up in the emotions of a situation like divorce and then realize you’ve made a mistake. If there is any love left, seeking couples therapy will mean not suffering feelings of loss after an un-needed divorce.

2. Was there even a marriage to begin with?

If your marriage has never been anything more than two people living together and getting their own needs met then divorce may be the answer. Marriage is a unified coupling of two people who work for the best interest of the relationship. Married couples work together for the good of the relationship. If there is no “couple,” only two people fighting for their own needs then, now would be a good time to either commit to changing the dynamics of the relationship or parting ways.

3. Is it divorce you want or, are you just threatening divorce?

Are you angry at your spouse and threatening divorce out of frustration over the problems in the marriage? Do you use threats of divorce to get your way or as a means of having power over your spouse? Are you frustrated and feel that threatening divorce will finally get your spouse’s attention and they will take you seriously? If it is solutions you are looking for, threatening divorce will not get you where you want to be. You need couples therapy for that. If it is divorce then stop threatening and take a mature, informed step in the right direction.

4. Is your decision to divorce based on emotional reaction or true self awareness?

If you are ready for divorce you will have let go of any emotional attachments you have to your spouse. These are good feelings and negative feelings that often come into play during marital conflict. Deciding on divorce at a time when you are overwhelmed with emotions won't solve problems. It generates problems and compounds any hurt and frustration you may be feeling. Unless you can look at your spouse as an individual who deserves your respect, even during the divorce process you are asking for trouble. If you cannot, the divorce process will be riddled with frustration, anger and distrust of the motives of your spouse.

5. What is motivating you to divorce?

Are you hoping that a divorce will mean your spouse will start treating you better? Maybe they will realize what they have lost and make the changes you need them to make. If so, you are divorcing for the wrong reasons. Divorce will only promote conflict, not resolve it. All a divorce will do is end your marriage and split apart your family. If you want a change in the dynamics between you and your spouse, it isn’t divorce you want. Something to think about; once you have divorced, your spouse is free to form emotional attachments to others. If that thought is uncomfortable, think twice before making a decision.

6. Have you thought about the negative consequences of divorce?

Divorce can mean a loss of dreams and goals. Even if you are positive it is a divorce you want you need to have a support system in place to help you deal with the stress associated with divorce. You need to be able to face your children’s pain and be there to help them cope. If you are the one wanting the divorce, you will have to deal with the pain of others. Don’t let guilt over wanting a divorce stand in the way of helping those hurt cope with the divorce.

7. Are you able to act in a mature way after the divorce?

Your attitude will determine what kind of life you will have after the divorce. Will you be strong, take responsibility and let go of any anger and resentment? Or, will you remain bitter, resentful and feel like a victim? The attitude you choose to live with will determine, not only the kind of divorce you have but the quality of life you have after you divorce.

• Have you and your partner moved apart because of the lack of time? With the hectic life and inflexible time schedules it is quite natural that couples drift apart. If this is your case and you want to end the relationship due to time constraints, then sit and sort it out. In case your partner gives you the same excuses that he/she has been giving since then, it’s time to move ahead. But, if this is a temporary situation and your partner is genuinely busy, then wait and discuss and give your partner some time to work out things.

• Deep in your heart do you think for the betterment of your relationship? If you are still wishing that your relationship would improve despite the fact that you are facing problems, then try to look out for a solution. Going through a break up can be difficult. If you still long to be together then stay back and talk to your partner for the betterment.

• Has your trust been broken? This is one of the most common reasons for ending a relationship. Get to terms, life moves fast and there are many people who tend to lose interest soon, very few are committed for a long-term relationship

 

. If your partner has cheated on you then ask yourself the following questions: Do you love him/her so much that you can forgive their mistake? Will you be able to start the relationship on a new note? Does your partner have a habit of lying to you? Would you be able to develop the same trust on your partner again?

• Do you lack communication? If you and your partner are in a long distance relationship

 

or cannot meet up frequently then is it the communication gap that is pushing you towards the break up? Usually lack of communication leads to misunderstandings and as a result lead to break ups. So talk to your partner about the communication problems before taking a decision, effective communication can make things work out for the better.

• Are family issues the problem? It is seen that family has a big part in your choice of your partner. In case your family is the cause of your break up then reason out these: Would you be able to live without your partner? Are you willing to leave your family because of your partner? Will talking to both the ends make things work out?

• Is the missing spark in your relationship the reason for breakup? In today’s life everyone is loaded with responsibilities and has a tough life both at personal as well as professional fronts. If these issues are responsible for the missing charm in your relationship, and you are heading to a break up then look behind and think whether you can restore it. Talk! This is the best solution. Make your partner well special and wanted, small

2. Is There A Good Divorce?

So, along with University of Texas sociology professor Norval Glenn, I recently conducted the first nationally representative study of the grown children of divorce. We surveyed 1,500 young adults 18 to 35 years old, half from divorced families and half from intact families. I also interviewed another 71 young adults in person in four areas of the country.

We found that children of so-called "good" divorces often do worse even than children of unhappy low-conflict marriages -- they say more often, for example, that family life was stressful and that they had to grow up too soon; and they are themselves more likely to divorce -- and that they do much worse than children raised in happy marriages. In a finding that shatters the myth of the "good" divorce, they told us that divorce sowed lasting inner conflict in their lives even when their parents did not fight. No matter how "good" their parents were at it, the children of divorce were travelers between two very different worlds, negotiating often vastly different rules and roles.

 

Although only one-fifth told us that their parents had "a lot" of conflict after splitting up, the children of divorce said, over and over, that the breakup itself made their parents' worlds seem locked in lasting conflict. Two-thirds said their parents seemed like polar opposites in the years following the divorce, compared to just one-third of young adults with married parents. Close to half said that after the divorce they felt like a different person with each of their parents -- something only a quarter of children from intact families said. Half said their divorced parents' versions of truth were different, compared to just a fifth of those with married parents. More than twice as many children of divorce as children of intact families said that after the divorce they were asked to keep important secrets -- and many more felt the need to do so, even when their parents did not ask them to.

1. Do everything you can to have the family unit continue.

2. Let your children know that it's okay to love both parents..

3. Reinforce the idea that your children have two homes.

4. Let your children know that you will always love them.

5. Tell your children that the divorce is not their fault.

6. Maintain a good working relationship with the other parent.

7. Keep the other parent advised on all important matters.

8. Make it easy for your children to express their feelings.

9. Speak positively about the other parent.

10. Allow your children to stay children.

Please note that you should be absolutely certain that the divorce or separation will actually happen before you tell the kids. Once that has been determined, consider the guidelines below.

1. Confer with Your Former Partner Before You Tell the Kids About the Divorce.

For the sake of your children, put aside the hurt and anger you may be feeling, so that you can make decisions together about the details you’ll need to tell your children. If you don’t have this conversation beforehand, you may end up having it in front of or through your kids, which wouldn't be fair to them. If it’s extremely difficult to speak with one another, consider using the services of a mediator or counselor, or invite someone you both trust to help you work out the details.

2. If at All Possible, Both Parents Should be Present When Telling the Kids.

This sends an important message to your kids that you’re both capable of working together for their benefit. In addition, you'll want to tell all of the children at one time. It’s important that each child hear this news directly from mom and dad; not from the sibling who heard it first. If your kids are different ages, plan to share the basic information at the initial gathering, and follow-up with the older children during a separate conversation.

3. Remain Calm and Avoid Blaming.

The manner in which you present this news to your kids will, in large part, affect the degree of their anxiety and whether they anticipate a positive outcome for themselves. If the meeting becomes a screaming match, your kids will be far more unsettled about what is happening. Instead, avoid the tendency to assign blame or say whose “fault” this is. To the extent that you can, try to incorporate the word “we” when you’re explaining the decisions that have been made.

4. Provide a General Reason for What is Happening.

It is not important, or even appropriate, that you provide specific details about why you are planning a divorce. However, your kids will want to know why this is happening. Older children will recognize that this is a huge life change, and they will weigh that change against the reason you give them. So while you don’t want to share details of a personal nature, be prepared to give some type of general explanation.

5. Provide Specific Details About the Changes Your Kids Can Expect.

Your kids will want to know where they’re going to live, with whom, and what about their lives is going to change. You can help your children to be prepared for these changes by being honest about what you know, and what you don’t know.

6. Provide Specific Details About the Parent Who is Leaving the Home.

The more you can tell your kids about where the departing parent will be living and when they will be seeing him or her, the better. They’ll need to know, right away, that they will be able to maintain a quality relationship with this parent, even though they won’t be living under the same roof.

7. Reassure the Children of Your Unconditional Love.

Your children will need lots of reassurance that the divorce is not their fault. Specifically tell them that nothing they did could have caused - nor prevented - what is happening. In addition, make sure both parents collectively and individually convey their unconditional love through words and actions. Avoid making long-range promises about an uncertain future. Instead, stick with the assurances you can make for the present time and be generous in sharing your hugs and affection.

8. Be Sensitive to How the Kids React to This News.

What you’re telling them may be completely unexpected, and will most assuredly change their lives. Try to be as understanding of no reaction – which is a reaction – as you would be if the children were in tears or extremely angry. Your children may not know how to express their intense emotions appropriately, and it may be some time before they can articulate their feelings.

9. Welcome Their Questions.

Most likely, the children will have many questions. To the extent that you can, be honest and clear in your responses. If you don’t know the answer to a question, tell them that. Also, realize that this conversation will unfold in many parts. After you’ve told the children about the divorce or separation, expect to revisit the topic many times as new questions and concerns arise.

10. Give Them Time to Adjust to the News.

It will take time for your children to adjust to this news. It is a huge change, and while you may be confident in the hopeful future you envision for them, it will take some time for them to see that future play out. In the meantime, be patient with their needs and make the effort to be a steady presence in their lives.

 

 

Counseling Will Usually Help

The most common problems to seek help for in both adults and children are:   

 

                          Depression

                          Acting Out (anger, aggression, breaking rules, unsuitable risk taking, talk

                          of suicide

 

                

Divorce often exacerbates other problems that may have been lurking just below the surface:         

 

                          Anxiety

                          Substance Abuse           

                         Eating Disorders

 

There is a fine line that divides normal and abnormal behavior - especially in the face of the crisis of divorce. If you or your children are struggling with these tough issues, divorce counseling may truly help. And for those of you who may be "therapy skeptics", there is at minimum one indisputable value of therapy: a fresh and unbiased perspective. Your friends and family are your biased supporters. There is no getting around that. You could probably benefit from a fresh set of eyeballs.

1. How to Raise A Healthy Happy Child
2. The Importance of Play in Child Development
3. Protectors or Perpetrators
4. Questions to Ask Before You Divorce
5. How Can I Get A Good Divorce
6. Just Whom is This Divorce Good For?
7. Divorce as Friends
8. The Effects of Marriage and Divorce on Families
9. Divorce, What to Tell Your Children
10. Tell Your Children About Your Divorce
11. When to Seek Counseling
12.  Helping Kids Cope With a Breakup