Naturally, this petition involves the IRS….getting bonuses! Yes, the same agency which once allowed a man to deduct a fallout shelter as preventative medicine, is asking for bonuses. Please read at your own risk, and make sure you having eaten anything or at the point where you must urinate.
“IRS employees have had to endure 5 furlough days this year. We haven't had a cost of living raise in the last 4 years- and now our annual awards are being taken too. At what point does it STOP? Employees who chose a QSI (Quality Step Increase) have received their increased pay because it comes from a "different fund". Regardless of you how look at it, they were GIVEN the QSI from their 2012 performance evaluation. They received their award, but time off or monetary awards are being denied and It's not fair! The new fiscal year is quickly approaching and we worry about the budge being signed in time because we know there won't be a continuing resolution much less to think about admin leave "if" there's a government shut down because Congress can't agree on the budget.”
The only thing which makes this particular petition more laughable is that over 2,000 people have actually signed it! That said, this writer would like to solicit some reader feedback in the form of the following competition, for which the prize is bragging rights…(translation: there is no prize, only bragging rights - actual cash value 1/1000th of an Earth Alliance Credit).
ANNOUNCING THE “MOST IDIOTIC WHITE HOUSE PETITION FOR 2013” COMPETITION…
This competition will involve you, the reader, submitting inane, foolish, and idiotic petition ideas through the end of 2013. Degree of idiocy will be judged by myself and my cats, who will like emit some sort of foul, offensive odor to indicate their “approval” of said petition. I expect that, by the end of this competition, I will be purchasing several tons of air freshener.
There are some conditions to this contest.
- No requests for violence (as much as may gall us, we must set the example).
- Public figures can only be named - no petitions calling for your neighbor across the street to please, for the love of God, stop pulling out your nasal hairs with needle-nosed pliers for all to see!!!
- No petitions involving celebrities – not that it wouldn't be funny, but it's just too easy, this is supposed to be a challenge - petitions FROM celebrities, however, will be immediately considered for the honorable mention of Most Insane Celebrity Alive.
- All petitions must have some semblance of realistic goals to them – no calling for genetic engineering of unicorns, bassalopes, etc.
- All submissions must be from living creatures, though they don’t necessary have to be from humans (Vulcans, cats, dogs may also enter!)
- Any petition must be willing to be subject to public comment (and/or ridicule).
- There are no prizes in the tangible sense, though the winner will be allowed to tag along for any and all talk show appearances, including but not limited to Jerry Springer.
Suggestions for petitions include calling for Congressional Representatives to, upon future government shutdowns, make their homes available for squatters; the Oval Office having a pool slide installed for use by tourists during White House visits; a constitutional amendment allowing for the marriage of Justin Bieber and Ryan Seacrest to each other, provided this takes place on the moon.
You may submit your ideas here in the following ways:
- Email email@example.com
- Comment on this article.
- “Hit me up, homies on my dope Twitter feed” - @GetInJohnsHead.
- Carrier pigeon
- Stealth cat
- Just pee in in the snow (for my Alaska readers) and I’ll use Google Earth to locate it!
Please be advised, your submissions may be monitored by the NSA for quality and training purposes. If you reach this column in error, please close your browser and try again, or just contact your recently furloughed IRS employee for assistance – operators are standing by, and your call will answered by the next disgruntled government employee.
WRITER'S NOTE: There is NO REAL PRIZE for this competition, just the bragging rights of knowing you have the opportunity to tell your friends "hey, some wackjob commentator actually thought my stuff was funny enough to be considered a winner for a change...pass the nacho cheese and beer, dammit!"