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In defense of fizzy yellow beer: A craft beer lover’s manifesto

Craft beer lovers put your tulip glasses down and hear me out!

Your love of everything hoppy or sour or dark has triggered your judgment to go skunky. Your quest for a pint of something, anything, with an ABV of 8% or more has caused you to miss some very important things in our world of beer.

Sure, you know how many different names and types of hops go into your favorite Double IPA, but surely that hasn’t enhanced your life quite as much as learning about "cold filtering" and quality ingredients like rice and corn.

The release of delicious flavors like chocolate, vanilla or bourbon from a barrel aged stout are simply no match for the over- and mass-produced juice of the people(?). Surely millions of consumers intelligent enough to shop for what they view on television advertisements cannot be wrong, can they?

And just think, without fizzy yellow beer, how would you know when your beer is cold and at a correct temperature to drink? The use of blue mountain graphics revolutionized how otherwise dimwitted beer drinkers could decipher when their beer was at a correct temperature for consumption. Sense of touch (and common sense) be damned!

Of course, craft beer is no match for sense of humor displayed by the fizzy yellow stuff. How boring would your Super Bowl Sundays be without the hilarious multi-million dollar commercials produced by the macrobrewers force fed to us by the television networks? Frogs and Clydesdales speak volumes about the world’s most consumed adult beverage compared to actual quality ingredients and craftsmanship.

Beer is like dating. Sure, Dad will be impressed by Craft Beer’s substance, attention to detail and sense of community, but the fancy packaging and huge budgets of our macrobrews will win Mom over every time.

And just a quick history lesson. America was founded on the transparent beer that so many beer geeks despise today. Immigrants brought tradition and culture in the form of lager beer with them to the new world. And as Americans do, we found a way to make it quicker and make more of it by cutting corners (ingredients) and removing the majority tradition from the original recipes.

You craft beer snobs are more focused on the quality of your beer and its ingredients than the things that actually sell beer. The shape of the can, and how two vents will release beer into your mouth quicker for example. Smoother liquid flow allows you to chug your beer faster so you can drink more of it. The shape of the vessel should always be more important than the contents within. Side note to craft beer geeks: Chug means to guzzle watered down versions of a beer from a dirty can.

Let us not forget the health implications of our beverage choices. When making the choice to consume alcohol it makes sense to go with a low calorie choice. Choosing a quality Barleywine or Stout may exceed your taste expectations and invoke a conversation about flavors and smells, but think of all the calories! The healthier recipe for the macrobrews we love so much are centuries old and have not wavered, if you don’t count the whole rice thing.

The fizzy yellow beer makers have captured our attention with their clever advertising and fancy “hand crafted” ways of producing beers and have made it easy for us to consume beer. Let us hope they will leave the complicated stuff like small batching and souring to you flavor-loving, creativity-enjoying, conversation-desiring craft beer lovers.

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