In relationships, opposites often attract and potential partners are intrigued by individuals who have different interests, traits, and lifestyles. But frequently the appeal fades over time and can become a source of conflict.
Scottsdale couples’ therapist, Kathy Infeld, author of Creating Love for a Lifetime, believes that opposite traits are appealing because they help to bring individuals into balance through relationships. For example, introverts may find that extroverts draw them out while extroverts may find peace and calm in the company of introverts. Over time, however, each pulls back to what feels more comfortable and, unless there is compromise, judging takes place and conflict ensues.
Or perhaps those opposite traits are ones that couples often minimize in favor of similarities which most often predominate. The offending opposite traits emerge as points of contention as the honeymoon phase passes and partners settle into a more realistic, day-to-day existence. Many couples who come for counseling note with frustration that the very traits that attracted them have become the bane of their existence. The calm, laid back individual is now judged as lazy and the intelligent, decisive individual becomes an annoying know-it-all.
One thing is certain: Whatever we notice and find appealing in others is really all about us. We notice in others what we lack, what we wish we had more of, or what we’d like to have less of. If we crave more adventure in our lives, then we notice spontaneous, daring individuals. If we have problems with anger management, then we see anger all around us. Everything we think, feel, and do is a reflection of our personal life experiences.
When opposite traits become problematic, couples need to work on respect and tolerance for differences. Compromise allows the difficulty to transition into an opportunity for growth in the relationship.
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