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I-Z, We-Z, Uzi

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The tragic death of a gun instructor by a cute pink pants-wearing nine-year-old Uzi user-in-training has set off a wave of questions, starting with “Why is it necessary for a nine-year-old to learn how to operate an automatic weapon?” A spokesperson for the Uzis for Youth Movement had this to say:

“Children are being raised in a dangerous world, but are being fed nonsense by the liberal media. If you watch kiddie TV, you’d think that the world is one big love in, populated by fluffy talking animals and people who smile a lot. We would rather our children know the truth. The world is filled with people who can’t even speak English and dangerous animals with really sharp teeth. Children have to be trained to survive.

In addition to training children to use automatic weapons, the movement has reissued popular children’s classics. In the new editions, Little Red Riding Hood has a Uzi and blows the head off the wolf. Snow White aims her Uzi at the dwarves and gives them 30 minutes to vacate the premises. Goldilocks offs the three bears and then goes back to sleep.

“Let’s get real, here,” continued the spokesperson, “if children could bring their Uzis to school, no one would mess with them. Schools would become what they were supposed to be, places where everyone learns to read and experiences the joy of friendship, without the bullying.”

When asked to consider the idea of establishing an age threshold for instruction of automatic weapons, he had this to say: “Like what, 10? 12? 18? 21?” You see how inane this is. Is a nine-year-old’s life of less value than that of, say, an 18-year-old? The reality is that all children of all ages should be learning to fire automatic weapons. We have plans for smaller versions of Uzis that will be available to toddlers, perhaps with cartoon decals to make them more appealing. I can see it now: Spiderman, Batman, and Superman on the boys’ guns. The girls could have Barbie, and instead of a ‘Hello Kitty’ version, there would be a ‘Bye-Bye Kitty’ one. For the youngest children, whose little fingers are too small to know the joy of pulling the trigger, we would offer Uzi-themed disposable diapers and soft, but lifelike, Uzi crib toys. Our motto is ‘You’re Never Too Young to Protect Your Crib.‘”

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