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I Fall Down; I Get Up

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I am a member of a group of professional women through LinkedIn. A member asked if we could put our story into six words. One of the members posted,

“I fall down; I get up.”

I found this to be the sum of it all. I haven’t been writing as much as I should here because I have been desperately trying to re-claim my life by increasing my household income. This served to be a big mistake towards my wellness. “I have to give myself time to heal”, I’m told.

Prior to my severe emotional break down; I was working as a Quality Control Coordinator trying to further my career as a Project Manager. I was a newly married to a man whom I believed was my knight in shining armor. I soon realized I was in a very abusive relationship. To top it off, I had re-established my role as the primary care taker for my disabled mother.

As the trauma of re-adjusting to life on my own again came upon us, Hurricane Sandy polished us off by demolishing the area we lived in Long Island NY. I fell hard and I took my mother with me.

I was lost. Not knowing where to turn, the Federation of Organizations came in to assist by paying for us to move to Rochester NY. I found a very nice person who was willing to rent us his home for the winter months while he stayed on Florida.

Life in Rochester has been a financial struggle ever since. One thing my mother taught me, as many of you may have also been taught; “if you can’t say anything nice, then say nothing at all”. Therefore on the advice of my mother I will say nothing about the Department of Social Services or the attached programs for Monroe County.

Feeling very abandoned and completely on my own, my anxiety disorder being tormented with of a fear of homelessness more than ever. I felt no matter how sick I am, I have to try to bring in money. My feeling is, “I have to get the heck out of Rochester and get to a place where I am going to have some support. I need to move closer to my family if only for my mother’s sake.

My involvement with ACCES-VR has been educational, and somewhat helpful to say the least. I really like the person in charge of my case. She really does understand my struggle and helps me the best she can with what she has.

Against their advice, I took the first job I could get. I am still going thought the training program, but I am so desperate for money. We still need furniture, and cloths. The food runs low ever month, and my mother depends on me to take her every place she needs to go.

I needed a car because she doesn’t qualify for transportation, and I can’t take the bus because I am having a very hard time being around strangers and most days, leaving my apartment.

My only hope was to take the first job that came through the door and make it work. I was wrong. One month on the job and my symptoms were triggered so bad, I ended back in the emergency room with a relapse.

To make a long story short; I fell down and now I am trying to get back up. While attempting to settle for a new life in Rochester, I have spent my time reading and working on building up my idea of the Sheer Julious Network.

My goal was to bring awareness PTSD, and share my experiences in hopes to one day help others in my situation. My life is a tragic story yes; but I am a survivor.

I have fallen, but I’ll get up.

I have to deal with accepting the fact, I had a nervous breakdown that caused me to be hospitalized and medicated to the point of unpredictable emotional mental prison.

Dealing with the realization that I am a woman who was severely underpaid in my position as a Quality Control Coordinator, was the reasoning for my current SSDI is devastating. My benefit is not enough for me to support myself and it is too much for me to qualify for assistance here in Monroe County New York. It’s simply a numbers game I'm told.

My doctors have told me I can heal and regain my independence, however it is never going to happen if I do not become stabilized. Hmmm, stabilized? I believe it is something I have been trying to accomplish my entire life. My entire life is one tragic event after another and it’s made me sick.

Why, or how, you ask. I’m telling it all in my book. Now that I am back on the healing project, it's time to get back to finishing my book. Plans are to have it on it's way to publishing by Spring.

The more I learn about how to live with PTSD, the more I will write about it.

Today, I am telling the story of how I got here. For now, this is what shares.

The closer I get to my goals, the closer I am to helping others to realize they can accomplish wellness too. To help me support my cause, please subscribe to this article.

Thank you to Karen Schuler, for telling me exactly what I needed to hear. Your post on LinkedIn inspired me to not feel sorry for myself and reminded me of the woman I am as well as the woman I want to become.



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