How about that Super Bowl? Geez, what happened to the 49ers in the first half? I haven’t seen that many errors since Chuck Hagel’s confirmation hearing.
Actually, I was so proud of that particular observation I texted it to every human being in my phone during the game.
The bipartisan responses included:
“Daaaaamn.”
“Haha.”
“Who is this?”
My favorite exchange involved one of my best friends (far smarter than I am) in San Francisco who said:
“I still have hope! The power outage helps.”
Unable to contain myself, I replied:
“Turned on sports radio in Philly and somebody proclaimed ‘we have reestablished communications’ – can’t stop thinking, seriously, are they playing on the Moon or something?”
Anyway, back to the Defense Department.
Maybe Chuck didn’t do the greatest job in the world, but I maintain Obama’s first debate made Hagel look pretty damn good.
It must have all been part of The Master Plan.
Truthfully, it was reminiscent of the last time I called Mark Levin and promptly forgot my own name. After a valiant effort to coax me out of my shell I think he transitioned to a more lucid caller with the words “Ok, that was a freebie.”
It’s cool Mark – much like Kirsten Gillibrand – I know you were only trying to help. Unfortunately, some people are simply beyond saving. Watching Hagel’s performance was so painful my eyes felt like they’d spent an eternity starring straight into the Sun.
Are we sure it was Hillary who suffered a blow to the head?
“I was just handed a note that I misspoke.”
If only each of us could live our lives in track changes mode.
Thank God nobody pulled out a map and prompted Hagel to point to Israel. Oops, that’s not Israel, that’s Uruguay. Why nominate anyone to head the Pentagon, just put up an empty chair.
It would make fewer mistakes.
Still, he may find his way to the Defense Department at the end of the day, but the excuses for this one are coming in a little slow from the White House. Have they switched to communicating via Semaphore? You’re a lot more on the ball when you’re spinning the latest employment data.
The country added 157,000 jobs last month, which is down from the 169,000 workers in December. We’re not quite keeping pace with population growth but that’s ok. A new generation of people entering the workforce is a novel problem faced by no one in all the history of anything.
So, the next brainstorm from the geniuses who thought up the one trillion dollar coin involves building a time machine to send Paul Krugman backward twenty years so he can get everyone to stop making babies.
It’s either that or more stimulus spending (aka bailouts for state governments). It’s all about roads and bridges but can I opt out of telling the latest crop of graduates they need to grab a shovel and go dig a ditch?
And stop blaming the press for all this Mary Landrieu. Fox News did not “un-balance” the federal budget. Let me put this in terms you might be more familiar with: Conservatives control one-half of one-third of the media in this country.
We are the 16.666 percent. And we have to share that with all the libertarians too. There’s only so much satanic evil we can foment.
No need for progressive commentators to romanticize their own fantasies about how they’re the scrappy underdogs nobly fighting a greater foe. Reality may make it harder to constantly reassure yourselves that the ends justify the means – as you are the people with nearly all the power. But this is the 21st century and that is simply your lot in life.
In fact, I postulate one outward manifestation of the emotional discomfort which accompanies your nascent awareness that you sit at the apex of the proverbial food chain is the self-transformation of so many of you into vegans in recent years.
(Shake your fists at me all you like you predatory pack of self-loathing herbivores).
This edition of Hump Day Humor includes Bill Bennett with Congressman Paul Ryan, Sean Hannity with Ben Shapiro and Ryan Grim, Laura Ingraham, Dennis Prager with Rick Santorum, Chris Stigall with Matt Brouillette, Hugh Hewitt with Mark Steyn, and Dennis Miller with Matthew Cooper – a small sampling of quips, non sequiturs, sarcastic commentary, and anything else that might put a smile on your face.
Bill Bennett Show 02/06/13 on Philadelphia’s 990 AM WNTP
Speaking with Congressman Paul Ryan regarding the Super Bowl
Bill: Could you handle a Chesapeake Bay-San Francisco Bay Super Bowl? Coast-to-Coast Super Bowl?
Ryan: Yeah, but I didn’t hear the word “Green” in that “Bay.” So I don’t know. I’m not sure. I can’t follow you here.
Bill: The bay isn’t green. I’ve seen your bay and it’s ice-white.
Ryan: Hey, it’s great ice fishing this time of year. I can lend you my Jiffy power auger if you’d like it.
Bill: I wouldn’t know whether to wear it or put it somewhere.
Ryan: It’s something you use to cut holes in the ice with.
Bill: I knew that.
Sean Hannity Show 02/04/13 on Philadelphia’s 106.9 FM WWIQ
Speaking with Ben Shapiro of breitbart.com and The Huffington Post’s Ryan Grimm regarding government spending
Sean: How’s Arianna?
Grim: Arianna’s great.
Sean: Do you ever really tell her that I say hi to her every time you’re on?
Grim: Absolutely, does she not email you? I’ll get on her about that.
Sean: No she’s never emailed me. She’s never invited me to be on her website. She doesn’t say hello. Nothing.
Grim: That’s outrageous.
Sean: It’s unbelievable. I’ve been nothing but nice to her.
Grim: I will fix that, I promise.
Sean: I’m promoting The Huffington Post, a radical left-wing website. I really prefer Breitbart.com, but I mean…
Sean’s just being ironic for all the crazy people out there
Laura Ingraham Show 02/01/13 on Philadelphia’s 1180 AM WFYL
Regarding Go Daddy’s Super Bowl ad
Laura: I honestly am going to be sick. I ate a Nutri-Grain bar. I think it’s coming up.
Dennis Prager Show 01/31/13 on Philadelphia’s 990 AM WNTP
Speaking with former presidential candidate Rick Santorum on his campaign against Chuck Hagel’s confirmation as defense secretary
Dennis: It’s a pleasure to welcome back Rick Santorum. How are you?
Santorum: I’m doing great. I’m on the show with one of my heroes, Dennis Prager. So I’m doing great.
Dennis: It’s a fine thing to say. Had I known you would have said that I would have put you on the first hour.
Santorum: You’d put me on every hour, right?
Chris Stigall Show 01/31/13 on Philadelphia’s 1210 AM WPHT
Speaking with the Commonwealth Foundation’s Matt Brouillette on Governor Corbett's latest attempt to privatize Pennyslvania's state owned liquor stores
Chris: Since the infancy of this show, since the birth of this show, the one cause that I have remained steadfastly committed to Matt Brouillette, privatizing state-run liquor stores because it is venusian in its oddity to me.
Chris: Again, just to reset for people that live, have lived, born and raised through this madness called state-run liquor stores. You leave the borders of the commonwealth Matt and you will see how it works anywhere else in the great 48 states…You walk through a store, a Walmart, a Wawa, a grocery store, and there side by side a beautiful can of beer, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a bottle of wine. They’re all sitting there as friends together in one aisle.
Matt: Well this is what people have been asking for; convenience in every other area of their lives. And it is amazing that it has taken us this long to try to enter the twentieth century – let alone twenty-first century – when it comes to how we handle alcohol. And you’re right, we’re going to try to become like the other 48 states. We’ll let Utah remain that island there but it’s time Pennsylvania did this as well.
In the event the media would like to weigh in here, if you help make it easier for me to drink I promise to watch more MSNBC
Hugh Hewitt Show 01/31/13 on Philadelphia’s 990 AM WNTP
Speaking with Mark Steyn regarding pessimism at the National Review Institute Summit
Steyn: Somebody – I don’t want to get the wrong senator or governor or congressman or whoever it was – said at one point ‘the good news is conservatism is not totally dead.’ So it’s clinging to life support. It’s being fed intravenously, but it is not totally dead just yet.
Steyn: At one point on…Saturday night Jonah [Goldberg] said 'I’m sick of discussing…why we lost in November.' And I said yeah I want to move on to discussing why we’re going to lose in 2016.
Speaking with Mark Steyn regarding optimism at the National Review Institute Summit
Hugh: There were some pretty upbeat aspects to this…it was good to see Ted Cruz, and to see Paul Ryan, and to see Bobby Jindal, all very young, all very energized, talking for the most part in large strokes not in small strokes. But I did get the sense that they may have been significantly younger than the audience they were addressing.
Steyn: Oh no, actually I don’t think so. I was amazed – because I tend to – I’m basically reaching the sleazy old lounge lizard phase of my career. And I tend to judge movements on how many attractive young people they can draw. And I was sitting in the room during some interminable battle on something or other and my attention started to wander. And I was very struck actually by the youth of the audience and the remarkable number of attractive young women walking back and forth while the elderly grizzled veteran pundits on stage pointed out everything that was disastrous about American conservatism.
Dennis Miller Show 01/30/13 on Lehigh Valley’s 1100 AM WGPA
Speaking with National Journal Daily Editor Matthew Cooper regarding the economy
Dennis: Listen, you know what a dirigible of smoke you gotta’ blow when you know a GDP number’s coming out in the red the next day? For God’s sake, I’m surprised Obama didn’t get up and do a table dance on the Washington memorial.
Speaking with National Journal Daily Editor Matthew Cooper regarding immigration
Cooper: An important part of the debate is what you’re going to do about border security. Now we had the best border security the last couple years, which is a financial crisis. There’s nothing that quiets things at the border –
Dennis: Yeah, I agree with you Matthew. You keep this GDP down man, you’re going to go to knock on their door to tell them they can stay [and] you’re going to see a roadrunner cloud heading off. And guess what, they’ll make it tougher to get back into Mexico than we made it to get here.
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