Humorous retorts to put-downs

A Bully-Free Symbol created with PowerPoint
 

Should your child be the recipient of  hurtful remarks, you might want to teach your child some of the following self-mentoring techniques that I learned from a social worker I met from Chicago. Please note that you should use the most humorous-sounding voice you can come up with. Also, make certain there is no hint in your voice of being offended, impatient, or hurt. Your goal is to surprise the bully and to get him or her to back off.

Technique #1: Counter a put-down with a humorous phrase.

Bully: Hey, Ugly!

Victim: Yeahhhhhhhhhhh! What’s it to ya.?!

(Make sure you say ‘ya’ instead of ‘you’.)
 

Technique #2: Counter a put-down with a humorous phrase.

Bully: Hey, Ugly!

Girl Victim: Well, if you’re gonna call me that; at least, put a handle on it. It’s Miss Ugly.

Boy Victim: Well, if you’re gonna call me that; at least, put a handle on it. It’s Mr. Ugly.
 

 
Technique #3: Counter a put-down with a humorous phrase.

Bully: Hey, Ugly!

Victim: Is that the best you can do? That name is so last week.

Bully: Hey, Stupid!

Victim: Is that the best you can do? That name is so last year.

Bully: Hey, Idiot!

Victim: Is that the best you can do? That name is so yesterday.

(Continue until the Bully runs out of names, and he or she walks off.)

Bully: Hey, …, oh, whatever.
 

 
Technique #4: Counter a put-down with an offer of friendly concern using a totally sincere-sounding voice.

Bully: Hey, Ugly!

Victim: Are you having a bad day? Do you want to talk about it?

Bully: What do you mean?

Victim: Well, I know when I’m having a bad day, I sometimes tease my sister. So I was wondering if you were having a bad day? If so, I’d be happy to listen. I’m a pretty good listener.

Bully: No, … uh, I’m fine. Uh, …, see you later.

(If he ever puts you down again, once again, use the same technique again. Most likely, he will not try bullying you a second or third time.)

 
Technique #5: Counter a put-down by changing the subject.

Bully: Hey, Ugly!

Victim: You know what? I love skateboarding.

Bully: What’s that have to do with anything.

Victim: I’ve been thinking about skateboarding all day. I love the speed. I love the cool maneuvers I can try. I even get a kick out of it when I fall sometimes. I have some pretty cool scars. How about you, do you like to skateboard?

Bully: No, I like dirt biking.

Victim: Cool! Dirt biking sounds like fun. What do you like best about it?

(Then continue the conversation about dirt biking and skateboarding. It is unlikely he will continue to bully you after that. You could even try this the next time you see him:)

Victim: Hey, Master Dirt Biker. How’s it going? Have you tried any new dirt biking tricks you can tell me about?

Bully: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I have.

(The conversation continues. You have turned a bully into a potential friend or ally.)
 

Technique #6: Counter a put-down by using an ‘I Message’.

Note: ‘I Messages’ are sentences that begin with the word ‘I’ and end with a reason or rationale of why you don’t want that put-down to be repeated. These must be said with a very calm-sounding voice. Be firm, friendly, and assertive.

I MESSAGE SENTENCE STARTERS
I want __________ because ____________.
I feel __________ because _____________.
I would appreciate it if ___ because ______.
I think __________ because ____________.
I need __________ because ____________.
I expect __________ because ___________.
I wish __________ because ____________.

Bully: Hey, Ugly!

Victim: I would appreciate it if you would not call me that name because it is not true.

Bully: Hey, Stupid!

Victim: I expect you to not call me that name either as it bothers me. Plus, I’m pretty smart when it comes to math. I do need a little help with spelling sometimes. But I’m pretty smart when it comes to division and fractions. How about you? Are you good with division and fractions?

As you probably noticed, the victim additionally added the technique of changing the subject. When at all possible, try to transform the bully into a friend, or at least, a good acquaintance. 

Whenever dealing with bullies, it is extremely important to smile with your eyes, your teeth, and your heart. You might want to imagine that the bully is having a really bad day or that he or she is sick with some disease. Deal with the bully in a gentle but firm way. You are letting him or her know that you have confidence and self-respect. It is not okay to call you names or to pick on you. Try to imagine that he or she is somebody that you really like. Naturally, you are not liking the part of him or her that is doing the bullying. You are, however, liking the part of him or her that is another human being who is worthy of respect.

As a family, do some role-playing. Practice all these various techniques together until they come naturally to your child. Then when a bully comes along and does his or her bully dance of doing or saying something hurtful, he or she is expecting your child to reflexively do the victim dance by crying or whining or showing how upset the bullying made him or her feel. So in those brief seconds between the provoking action of the bully and the reactionary response from your child, one of those techniques will come to mind. As your child utilizes one or more of these techniques in a calm and confident fashion, the bully will realize that he or she lacks the power to successfully victimize your child. Most likely, the bully will not approach your child again.