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How your lover's buddy can show your lover's true colors



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Following up on the previous column about meeting your significant other's friends, here is a firsthand account of meeting a past girlfriend's bestie on Valentine's Day, and the warning signs that I should have heeded.

In 2003-04 I dated a woman I'll call "Karen" for six months, and it was a long-distance relationship.  She lived in Wisconsin, and I lived in Chicago, and I took the Metra train to Kenosha, WI, to see her.  She was a very quiet person, only giving small glimpses into her life.  We started dating after I answered her online personal ad, and I thought the first date didn’t go well because she hardly spoke the whole evening.   I remember that when I asked what she did for fun, she answered, “Nothing.”   But she kissed me goodbye at the end of the date, so I convinced myself that she liked me.  Despite her introverted personality, we started seeing each other regularly.

Fast forward a few months to Valentine’s Day.  It was a strange evening because we met a friend of hers I'll call "Rhonda" who was married with kids and didn't mind letting everyone know that the guy with her as a Valentine's date was neither her husband nor the father of her kids.   In other words, she didn’t necessarily seem like the kind of person my shy gal would call her best friend.  But once we all arrived at the restaurant where we had dinner, it became clear that these two were like two peas in a pod.  The margaritas flowed, and the conversation with it, and Karen and Rhonda couldn’t stop going on about their wild antics over the years, like the time Karen was so drunk that she urinated on the rear tire of her car.  We then headed to a club, which was not a place that I ever pictured Karen visiting, and as I stood against the back wall, Karen and Rhonda took each other out to the dance floor and had a funky good time.  In the car, Karen and Rhonda passed a cell phone back and forth taunting Rhonda’s husband, who naturally was wondering where his wife was, and all the while I sat there wondering where my girlfriend went and who this person was inhabiting her body.  I was so relieved when the night ended.

Now, it’s not necessarily a warning sign of future doom when your shy lover opens up around her friend, but there was something strange about Karen’s behavior that kept nagging at me, like she had a side of her that she had never revealed to me.  And sure enough, a month later I discovered that she and Rhonda kept a swingers website displaying that they were a lot closer than I knew, and I ended the relationship.  The lesson is not that any abnormal behavior around friends should raise flags, but rather any behavior that runs completely opposite to what you think is your honey’s core personality should raise an eyebrow.  Listen to your gut.  If you truly feel that something is amiss, don’t let him or her get away with anything less than full honesty and disclosure.  It can save you a lot of heartache down the road.


  • wish I was you 5 years ago

    What is her number? You don't know what you are missing!

  • Angela 5 years ago


  • Swinger couple 5 years ago

    Heartache is a strong word. We can grant you that it's nice to have a relationship where you think that you and your lover will always be the only thing in each others life. To find true love is wonderful. But it eventually evolves, and the Lifestyle is a great way to keep the passion in a long time relationship. Maybe you avoided heartache, but maybe you avoided the best thing that could ever happen to you. The worst part is you can never really know.