How to Set Roommate House Rules

So, you’ve found a roommate and you’re about to move in together. You’re relieved that the roommate search is over and you think the worst is behind you. Not so fast! You’re not in the clear just, yet! Before getting settled in with a new housemate, it’s important to take a careful inventory of your habits, preferences and pet peeves. See my previous article “A Stranger in Your House” which advises you to come clean about all of your personal idiosyncrasies and habits when meeting potential roommates. Hopefully, you’ve done that. If so, then this is the next step. If not, then you must do this immediately!

In fact, if you don’t do this, then don’t be surprised if one day you discover your new roommate eating out of the communal peanut butter or licking a mustard knife before using it in the mayo jar. Nor, should you be surprised if you stumble over his or her dirty laundry in your shared bathroom, if you don’t have this important talk. Whether you are a neat freak, a slob or somewhere in the middle, you can avoid a host of things that might rub you the wrong way if you simply have “the talk”.

“The Talk,” as I call it, consists of you sitting down with your new roommate – preferably before you move in together - and letting him or her know you own personal preferences and pet peeves. For example, if you are very annoyed by someone leaving dirty dishes in the sink, then politely tell him or her that you always wash your dishes or place them in the dishwasher immediately after use. Add that you would like him or her to do the same.

It is also important when sharing this list of do’s and don’ts that you invite your new roommate to tell you of his or her preferences and annoyances, as well. Personally, I think making lists and exchanging these with your roommate is the best idea. Then, discuss any problems or questions you and he or she have with the other’s list. Unfortunately, some people are not only annoyed but also offended by such lists and find them too formal or regimental.

In any event, I urge you to take a careful inventory of your habits and expectations and candidly share these with your roommate. Also, be certain to point out any deal breakers. If you decide you cannot muster the courage to do this, then you need to find a way to live alone. Don’t be fooled: it’s amazing how much something as small as which way you put the toilet paper roll on the holder can irritate someone.

Maybe you’re thinking, “I’m easy going. I don’t need to have one of these talks. Nothing upsets me.” I used to think that about myself, until I realized that not everyone shares my views on cleanliness. Turns out, I am a bit of a clean freak. And, it’s not just cleanliness. There are certain elements of style and décor that I find intolerable. In fact, the appearance of my personal living space, as well as, my communal living space is not only of concern to me, but an area in which I must have my taste expressed. I may even be a bit of a tyrant on this front. (In my defense, I started placing the toilet paper on the holder opposite from what I prefer to please a former roommate.)

The bottom line is: you must be completely honest with yourself and with your roommate. Trust me, I have had many roommates and have managed to navigate the storms of living together well enough to emerge with healthy friendships every time. I have only been able to achieve this by being open, honest and flexible.

Which brings me to my next point: you must be FLEXIBLE. If you are a rigid and refuse to budge in any area, you are not only being selfish and rude, but you are also ensuring that your roommate relationships will be forever doomed. For example, if you don’t like to entertain during the week in your home, you cannot expect for your roommate to abide by this same personal preference. As long as your roommate is not intrusive on your personal area and keeps the noise down, so as not to offend or bother you, then he or she should be able to entertain whenever he or she pleases. Or, if you always buy the most high quality premium toilet paper for your shared bathroom, but your roommate purchases a slightly inferior brand when it is his or her turn (no, not the sand paper type), then, you need to suck it up and deal with it.

And, remember to use common sense and keep an open dialogue throughout the term of you’re roommate arrangement because no matter how thorough you are, there is bound to be something you forget to mention. Also, topics will continue to come up and need to be addressed over time. So here’s the drill: be open, honest, flexible and repeat.

Finally, in all areas, please be REASONABLE. This quality applies in all areas. For example, let’s say Thursdays are always an evening when your roommate arrives home late due to work, school, etc., and is too tired to wash his or her dirty dishes. If you are a person who does not “allow” dirty dishes to stay in the sink overnight, then maybe you should learn to ease up on this rule in light of the circumstances.

One of the worst things to find out about your new roommate is that he or she is rigid, demanding and unreasonable. Nothing will spell disaster faster.

So, be the roommate you would like to have and don’t be surprised if you cultivate a healthy, peaceful roommate relationship with the stranger sharing your lease.