In part three of this series a deeper look will be made into how the roles of the husband and wife work together to meet each other’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.
As we learned in part two, when a man cleaves (verb) unto his wife it means that he unites or is united closely in interest or affection; to adhere with strong attachment. In other words, he, along with his wife, turns their focus toward one another. More specifically, the husbands focus is on meeting the wife’s needs and the wife’s focus is on meeting her husband’s needs. If they are not focused on meeting each other’s needs they will seek other means other than their spouse to meet their needs.
The common denominator seen in the counseling room when working with couples who are having problems is the lack of focusing on meeting the needs of their spouse. Because of this, there are several points that need to be pointed out:
First, there needs to be a clarification of roles and responsibilities. The Bible teaches that husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. The point that needs to be made is that love is not an emotion as most people think; it is an attitude and action of esteeming others above our self. When we place someone else in high esteem by meeting their needs above our own, it demonstrates their value and worthiness, which is critical to weaving two lives together.
Using Jesus as the example, a husband needs to be the one who initiates the attitude of making his wife’s Spiritual, emotional, and physical needs his focus. This means he must also be willing to demonstrate that he will do whatever it takes; up to and including dying for her. When his wife sees that he is totally devoted to esteeming her above himself, it enables her to esteem him and place his needs above her own. Not demonstrating love toward one another only weakens the relationship.
Second, it is important not only that each meet the needs of the other, they must also take responsibility for fulfilling their roles in the marriage. Traditionally, these roles include provider, spiritual leader, and head of the household by the husband and keeper of the home, and mother to the children by the wife.
Although these roles have varied in modern times with the breakdown of the traditional family, they are still important to the health and welfare of the family. Without proper leadership in the family, the family loses its way and is subject to everyone in the family going in their own direction. Likewise, without organization and administration of the day-to-day activities the family suffers in its ability to accomplish things.
When a couple works together to fulfill their roles, it strengthens their marriage, which strengthens the foundation of the family. Too often, couples are deceived into thinking that divorce will solve their problems and eliminate arguments, which will make it easier for the children. Nothing could be further from the truth. What happens is that the arguments and problems still occur only after divorce they occur by proxy through the children who are caught in the middle.
This brings up another point. The lack of a mother and a father in a home is the principle cause of child poverty. According to a 2008 U.S. Census report, the poverty rate for single parents with children in the United States was 36.5 percent. The poverty rate for married couples with children was just 6.4 percent. Children raised in a married family had about an 80 percent reduction in poverty.
Not only are there economic factors, there are other factors as well. When a parent has to fulfill all the roles in the family, it creates a large amount of stress and always results in the family suffering. Some may discount this fact, but anyone who thinks they can work full time, provide for the spiritual, emotional, and physical needs of the entire household full time, and the be directly involved in raising the children full time is sorely mistaken.
In no way is this intended to be a slight on many hardworking single parents, just food for thought that before saying that it is not worth the time and effort to seek help with the marriage, consider all the time and effort that will be expended when the marriage ends.
In part four of this series we will explore practical tips to navigate through a marriage. If you are already divorced, these practical tips will also apply to your relationship with your former spouse that you may still see on a regular basis. Your feedback and questions are encouraged and welcome. However, it is asked that all feedback and questions be presented with the intent of seeking answers and helping others. Likewise, in some cases, a recommendation to seek further help through our ministry may be offered to address your specific situation.
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Dr. Michael Williams is the founder of Selah Mountain Ministries, a church-based ministry providing Biblical Counseling, Christian Education, and Pastoral Care located in Albuquerque, New Mexico. In addition to being the local Albuquerque Family Examiner, Dr. Williams writes a national Conservative Examinercolumn. Likewise, he also provides a vast amount of information and resources through his Wisdom4Today website. You can follow him on his Facebook Wisdom4Today pageor Twitter: @drmlwilliamsor @wisdom4today1.
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