When it comes to divorce, the best way to deal with divorce is to lay the foundations in a marriage that will not lead to divorce. Obviously, for some people it may be too late, but no matter where someone is in the marriage process, knowing how to build a marriage that lasts is invaluable.
Whether a couple is anticipating marriage or already married this knowledge will prevent divorce. Likewise, if a couple is already divorced, this knowledge may restore their marriage, but if it is too late, this knowledge will help them avoid the same mistakes if they ever should be married again. Too often, people get divorced then go into another marriage carrying the same problems and baggage that led to their divorce.
When it comes to marriage and divorce, one would be hard pressed to find a couple that started out their marriage hoping they would one day be broken by divorce. Typically, the wedding day is a day of celebration where two people have come together in hopes of spending the rest of their lives together.
Whether it is a traditional wedding with all the trimmings or a crazy wedding where the couple recites their vows just before jumping out of an airplane, one thing is certain: couples who marry are making a commitment to form a relationship with someone on a physical, emotional, and Spiritual level. How well they do at developing their bonds in each of these levels will have a great impact on how long their marriage survives.
The first thing to consider is what defines marriage and what should be the focus of the husband and wife in a marriage. Starting with the definition of a marriage, the earliest definition in an American dictionary can be found in Webster’s 1828 Dictionary:
"MAR''RIAGE, n. [L.mas, maris.] The act of uniting a man and woman for life; wedlock; the legal union of a man and woman for life. Marriage is a contract both civil and religious, by which the parties engage to live together in mutual affection and fidelity, till death shall separate them. Marriage was instituted by God himself for the purpose of preventing the promiscuous intercourse of the sexes, for promoting domestic felicity, and for securing the maintenance and education of children."
The earliest written definition can be found in the Bible in Genesis 2:24 (KJV) "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Emphasis added)" This definition describes three important parts of building a marriage.
The first part of building a marriage is “leaving” the father and mother. Too often when either the husband or the wife continues to make their parents a higher priority than their spouse it becomes a major problem in their marriage. In fact, in-laws and money are the top two issues that cause problems in marriages.
In most marriage vows, couples will recite the promise to “forsake all others” thinking that they are promising to be faithful and not cheat. This is true, but it also means that they are to be faithful to their spouse in their allegiance. If either spouse seeks to please their mother or father at the expense of their spouse, they are not “leaving” their father and mother. When they do not “leave” their father and mother, they are not able to “cleave” to their spouse.
When a man cleaves (verb) unto his wife it means that he unites or is united closely in interest or affection; to adhere with strong attachment. In other words, he, along with his wife, turn their focus toward one another. More specifically, the husband focuses on meeting his wife’s needs and the wife focuses on meeting her husband’s needs.
It is this cleaving that is necessary for the couple to “weave” their lives together. As they turn their focus toward each other in all areas of their life, they become one flesh physically, emotionally, and spiritually. This weaving will continue as long as they continue to make each other the focus and priority in each other’s lives. If the couple does not continually make each other the focus and priority in each other’s lives, they become pulled apart.
If they are not focused on each other physically, they will seek other means to meet their physical needs. If they are not focused on each other emotionally, they will seek other means to meet their emotional needs. Likewise, if they do not seek to encourage each other in their spiritual needs, they will suffer spiritually, which will result in great difficulty to loving God and loving each other as their self.
In part three of this series a deeper look will be made into how the roles of the husband and wife work together to meet each other’s physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Your feedback and questions are encouraged and welcome. However, it is asked that all feedback and questions be presented with the intent of seeking answers and helping others. Likewise, in some cases, a recommendation to seek further help may be offered to address your specific situation.
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Dr. Michael Williams is the founder of Selah Mountain Ministries, a church-based ministry providing Biblical Counseling, Christian Education, and Pastoral Care located in Albuquerque, New Mexico. In addition to being the local Albuquerque Family Examiner, Dr. Williams writes a national Conservative Examiner column. Likewise, he also provides a vast amount of information and resources through his Wisdom4Today website. You can follow him on his Facebook Wisdom4Today page or Twitter: @drmlwilliams or @Wisdom4Today1.
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