If you're in a domestic violence situation and need help, there are many options available and ways to keep yourself and your children safe.
Here's what to do now to start doing now to get safe, even if you're not ready or able to leave.
- Find your local domestic violence agency. To find your local DV agency, you can click on your state on this map and then follow the links to find shelters and agencies in your area. Also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (or 1-800-787-3224 TTY For The Deaf) and they can help you find local resources. In the Mankato and surrounding area, contact CADA or call them at 1-800-477-0466.
- Develop a safety plan. A safety plan can help keep you and your kids safe before or after you leave. A safety plan can include a plan to help you get out of the relationship (such as secret money stashed somewhere, important papers gathered up, a day and time when you can get out, etc.) and also a plan for how to get safe in the event of a violent incident (such as a code word with your kids for them to get out and where to go, a code to tell a neighbor you're in danger or a back way out of the house). Click here for ideas to help develop a safety plan.
- Start talking about it anywhere you feel safe. This serves multiple purposes. Obviously, it can lead to more support for you. It also starts a trail of documentation for later, so he cannot claim there was no claim of abuse before you left. It also removes the shroud of secrecy and shame that can give abusers even more power and control. You may also find out that more people have gone through this than you realized and that you have more support than you thought.
- Find out about community resources. There may be a lot more help out there than you realize in terms of emergency housing, financial assistance and other support. Family Services agencies, community advocacy programs, domestic violence agencies, churches and other groups may all know of different resources available to help if and when you leave.
- Start documenting the abuse. Even if you are not ready or able to leave, it's imperative that you have some evidence of the abuse in case you need it later (especially if there is likely to be a custody or visitation dispute). Documentation can include photographing injuries or damage (such as a hole in the wall), keeping threatening notes or phone messages, telling professionals about the abuse (such as therapists or doctors), keeping records of dates and specifics of incidents (such as writing down quotes like "If you leave me, you'll never see the kids again" or "R. twisted my arm behind my back and pushed me into a table" along with dates and times). The more specific documentation you have, the better. Obviously, be sure to keep your documentation in a safe place (with a trusted friend outside of the home, if possible).
- Know your legal options and how they can help you. For instance, if you are being abused by a partner or family member you are eligible for an Order for Protection (OFP, called Temporary Restraining Order and other names in other states) at no cost (this is the case in Minnesota, but may not be true in every state). A judge will look at your petition (which can be filled out on your own or with the help of an advocate, no lawyer is needed) and will order an emergency order to take place immediately to get you and your children safe. The hearing to decide on your petition for an OFP will take place within two weeks (again, no lawyer is necessary but an advocate from a local DV agency can be very helpful and supportive). In an OFP you can request possession of your home, financial support for you and/or your children and other requests to help you, in addition to orders to refrain from contacting you, coming near you or the children, harming you, sending messages, possessing a firearm and other concerns to keep you safe. For more information about legal options, see this page.
- Gather up things you'll need if/when you leave. If possible, give them to a trusted friend for safekeeping ahead of time. Here are some suggestions.
Emergency Checklist
What To Take When You Leave__ Identification for yourself
__ Driver's License and Registration
__ Children's Birth Certificates
__ Your Birth Certificate
__ Money
__ Lease, Rental Agreement, House Deed, Mortgage Payment Book
__ Bank Books, Savings Books
__ Checkbooks, ATM Card
__ Insurance Papers and Cards
__ Keys - House, Car, Office, Safety Deposit Box
__ Items Of Special Sentimental Value
__ Medications
__ Small Saleable Objects
__ Address Book
__ Pictures
__ Medical Records For All Family Members
__ Social Security Cards For Yourself and Children, (SSN# for spouse)
__ School and Vaccination Records
__ Work Permits
__ Green Card
__ Passport
__ Divorce Papers
__ Order For Protection/Harassment Restraining Order
__ Jewelry
__ Children's Small Toys
__ Computer Disks Containing Essential Information
Not sure if you're in an abusive relationship? Chances are, if you have reasons to wonder, there's something wrong. Abuse takes many forms and it's rarely the stereotypical punch to the face that everybody identifies with domestic violence. See CADA's domestic abuse checklist to see other forms that abuse can take.
Remember, you are not at fault and you cannot control it. You didn't "bring it on" and you can't be a good enough wife or girlfriend to change him or keep it from happening again.
Abusers don't just use violence to control you. They also use emotional weapons, such as destroying your self esteem, isolating you from friends and family, making you feel bad about yourself (convincing you that you're fat, crazy, ugly, stupid, a bad mother, unlovable...), causing fear (that he'll take the kids, that he'll report you for something, that he'll harm you, your pets, your kids or loved ones and so on), playing on your sympathy because of excuses like stress or having grown up in abuse, making promises, or trying to convince you that you caused the abuse and can therefore prevent it. This can be as effective as fists in keeping you in the abuse. In reality, he is solely responsible for his abuse and unless he gets serious help and sincerely wants to change he will continue to abuse you and almost certainly get worse.
There is support and there are many resources out there to get you and your kids safe.
See the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence for more information and support.
My own experience with domestic violence: I ran the Cottonwood County office of Women's Rural Advocacy Programs before becoming a full-time mother and I also am a survivor of domestic abuse. I've volunteered for Mankato's CADA House and Minnesota's MCBW and I've served on several boards for domestic violence agencies. I began volunteering for DV programs after my aunt, Linda Jean Franz, was murdered by her fiance. At the time of her death, she was trying to leave. None of us knew of the abuse.
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