There are a host of articles online offering tips on how to avoid losing your job. These people must not work for large corporations. What may be a fireable offense at a small business is merely one of many ways to reduce your annual raise at a large corporation. At large corporations, there are many ways to get screwed on your annual raise, or perhaps even a multitude of ways to get yourself at the top of the layoff lists. However, in cubicle land, there are very, very few ways to actually get fired.
For those who don't understand, large corporations fear wrongful termination lawsuits like 3 year olds fear bugs. They're worried about getting bit in the pocketbook. To ensure this doesn't happen, large corporations require A LOT of paperwork and process when terminating employees.
Unless you've done something drastically wrong, it will take a long time to get fired by just being incapable of producing good work or showing up late a few times. They'll put you on warning and allow you to correct your bad behavior. If you correct your issues, you'll likely end up by the furnace next to Milton and end up at the top of the list when layoffs come around, so don't get too excited.
However, the 5 items included below are some of the sure fire ways to get fired where you'll find yourself escorted out of the building before you even realize what's happened. And your employer won't be worrying about any wrongful terminations lawsuits.
1. Sexual Harrassment
Telling a female colleague you'd like to see what they look like with just sheets on is a great way to get fired immediately. The tricky part is it's also a sure fire way to get laid by easy ladies. A real catch 22.
My recommendation for men: If she drives a Grand Am, smokes, or wears Ugg Boots, you're safe. If not, don't do it.
My recommendation for women: Do whatever you want. You'll never get fired for sexual harrassment.
2. Racism
It comes in many different forms, but if you're racist, you probably didn't deserve the job in the first place.
My recommendation: Go back to Mississippi.
3. Looking at porn
While I personally disagree with this, looking at pornography online will get you fired immediately. Soft core and hard core. I know, I know. It's ridiculous that warm-up porn will get you tossed (from work that is), but it's a hardship we all must deal with.
My recommendation for men: In desperate situations, it's nice to have an android phone.
My recomendation for women: In desperate situations, it's nice to have an iPhone.
4. Openly drinking alcohol at your desk
I personally believe that people who take smoke breaks every 15 minutes should be fired but apparently HR departments do not agree. They believe drinking at your desk is worse.
My recommendation: Bring a flask and go drink with the smokers away from your desk. Equality!
5. Mistakenly sending an email to your boss, about your boss
The dreaded mistake you always hear stories about is a #fail of massive proportions. This one depends on what you actually said about your boss, but the chances of you continuing your employment are slim to none.
My recommendation: Learn how to hit forward instead of reply.
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