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Dr. John Duffy
Parenting in today’s times has become very difficult and parents often do not know what the right answers are and how to effectively parent their tweens and teens. I recently had the pleasure of being introduced to John G. Duffy, clinical psychologist, who is a parenting expert on tweens and teens. He recently completed a book, The Available Parent: How to Connect with and Empower Your Teens and Tweens, which will be in bookstores in the next couple of months. His concept, Availability, which has its core or premise that parents need to be truly available to their children without judgment and a willingness to simply listen and be there for them. Here is what he had to say:
What is Availability?
“Availability in parenting is communicating with your children in an open, positive manner relatively free of the toxic effects of anger, fear, judgment and ego. Available parents are excellent listeners. They accept their children for who they are, focusing on their strengths more than their deficits.”
How can using Availability help parents parent their teens/tweens more effectively?
“Parents often wonder how their parenting has become so ineffective, despite substantial effort and good intention. The answer lies in Availability. When we are truly open and available to our children, they are far more likely to listen to us, and heed our words. When they sense we are disingenuous or unavailable, they tend to tune us out.”
How do you think teens/tweens respond to Availability compared to traditional parenting methods?
“In my experience, genuine Availability always works. I have had the privilege of witnessing the benefits of Availability countless times in families. Negative communication patterns that seemed unsalvageable have changed completely. Teens and tweens respond so well. As one teenage boy told me recently, “Despite what they think, I want to like my parents. They think it’s fun for me when we don’t get along. It’s not.”
What kind of discipline/behavioral problems is Availability most effective for?
“Availability provides parents with the leverage they need to help manage most any problem. That is not to say, of course, that there will be no problems. We need to accept that our teens and tweens learn competence and resilience from managing mistakes and difficult circumstances. Availability often means getting out of the way and allow for natural consequences. I encourage parents to make themselves available as consultants in tough situations, but by-and-large leave the decision-making to their child.”
How does Availability affect communication in the parent/child relationship?
“Open, genuine communication, even about tough issues like drugs, alcohol and sex, is the hallmark of Availability. Good communication drives Availability. In such a relationship, parents are available to talk and listen, a lot. They bring levity to tough situations, and remove taboos so that anything can be discussed. Their teens and tweens feel safe sharing their lives with their Available parents.”
Example of an issue to discuss with your teen: Sex
I recently shared some small talk with the woman who cuts my hair. This sage, available mom agrees that we need to talk with our teens about sex, regardless of the discomfort. Our discussion went like this:
“She’s having sex with her boyfriend. We talk, so she told me about it. I always make sure we have that kind of relationship.”
“But you can’t be happy about this.”
“Hell, no, I’m not happy about it, and I told her so, but I wasn’t gonna shut her out of my life for it. I love her, no matter what. I think she appreciates that I’m willing to talk with her about it. And I think it’s because we talk that she demands respect from boys and practices safe sex.”
“Isn’t it uncomfortable for you, though? Wouldn’t you rather just not know?”
“No. That would be like…we had nothing, you know? This is better than not talking, for sure. I’d just be wondering every night otherwise, worrying about her. And I’d be suspicious, snooping through her stuff and asking questions. Oh, and I’d make my husband miserable! Believe me, I know that mom, and I do not want to be that mom!”
She’s so right. We’ve got to keep our heads out of the sand, and talk with our kids about the things we most fear talking with them about, including sex. This does not, by the way, need to be dead serious stuff. You can introduce some levity to the talk. When I first talked with my son about sex, we laughed about how weird it was that we were talking about sex. Which, quite honestly made it okay.
For more info: The Available Parent by John Duffy.
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