One year ago today, my life changed forever.
Exactly one year ago today, “The Single Woman” was born…in an incubator of heartbreak and heartache…a resilient, spirited, feisty female who rose from the ashes of the destruction of everything she’d known and got busy on the construction of a journey into the unknown. She took her first steps on shaky legs and emerged from the cave of an unhealthy relationship with more than a little uncertainty…but she found that the further she walked, the stronger her stride became and the louder her broken heart sang.
One year ago today, I stopped fighting the fight and started to heal…because I stopped being polite and started getting real.
October 13, 2009 was the day I walked away from my boyfriend of a year and a half.
I had just returned home from a cross-country road trip with my father to Arizona where I had been in one of my best friend’s weddings, celebrating love and laughter and new beginnings…and even catching the bouquet at the reception…typically a sign that I might be the next girl to wed.
A little past Little Rock, though…I knew that the only ring in my near future would be the sound of my own inner Liberty Bell ringing, as I declared my independence from a toxic relationship…one that had left me bruised, broken, beat down, and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I haven’t discussed this relationship much at all in previous columns…but it was that life-changing, destiny-defining relationship that was going to either heal me or kill me. You know the one. The one that you KNOW you don’t belong in…but fear and habit and complacency keep you trapped in it like quicksand? The one where you’re unable to stay but unwilling to go? Or, as Liz Gilbert puts it in Eat Pray Love: “The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.” I was trapped in a prison of my own making…having abandoned pretty much all of my friends because I couldn’t face the truth that I knew would be mirrored in their faces that I NEEDED TO GET OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP. I had lost myself completely in this person…in his lies and emotional unavailability and inability to love me like I deserved to be loved. I didn’t know how to walk away from someone, who, for all intents and purposes, was my best friend, my lifeline, my probable future husband. How do you exit a relationship when your nieces adore him and you share belongings with him and your lives have somehow merged into one entity without you even realizing it?
Here’s how:
You take a deep breath, you say the words that you never imagined yourself saying, and you walk away. Battle-scarred and scared and unsure about the future as you may be…when you KNOW in your heart that this is not the person God and the Universe intended for you to be with…there is no other option but to walk away. You cannot allow yourself to settle for a party of two that you know is wrong just because the place settings and his name on the invitation next to yours look nice. Leaving the comfortable shell of a long-term relationship is one of the scariest things a person can do…but think about it…what would happen to the butterfly if she refused to exit her cocoon? She would never grow…never change…never acquire her wings. And trust me on this one: it is far, far better to live a life of uncertain happiness than of certain misery. If you outgrew a dress, no matter how fabulous it once fit…you wouldn’t keep wearing it, would you? Then why are we so willing to stay stuck in a relationship once it has become clear that the other person is not our perfect fit?
I want to encourage those of you currently going through a heartbreak, or a break-up, or a transition from two birds of a feather to flying solo: There IS happiness on the other side of goodbye. That’s what the sad movies and songs forget to tell you. After the pain comes the rain…and after the rain…comes the sun! And before you know it, everything’s coming up daisies again. One year ago today I was alone, and uncertain, and lonely, and sad. I remember wandering the rooms of my apartment feeling like the silence was almost palpable. There were even moments that I doubted I made the right decision. But before I knew it, something miraculous happened. I smiled again! And then I laughed again! And then I reconnected with my friends and made new ones and started chasing my dreams and doing ME and having fun and setting new goals and realizing something so incredible about myself that had somehow gotten lost in the shuffle of the sorrow, and the hurt, and the tears. I AM STRONG. I am worthy. And “I am looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love. And I don't think that love is here.” (Sex & the City)
And then it hit me. I had to say goodbye to HIM, so I could say hello to ME.
So, my friends, and especially my friends who are currently nursing a broken heart…you must remember this, if nothing else: You will find your smile again. You will get your groove back. You will love again. And you will be able to take where you’ve been and use it as a roadmap for where you’re going...and for where you’ll never go again. I did. And though I know in my heart I will never revisit him, or that version of me, again…I also know I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Because he helped create me. Every tear, every piece of my broken heart, every second of pain…are all colors on the canvas of my life. That relationship didn’t DEFINE me. It helped REFINE me. The ashes of the girl I used to be turned me into the diamond of the woman I am today.
And that’s how, Once Upon a Time, a girl named Mandy turned her break-UP into a break-OVER…and a single woman became The Single Woman.
Won’t you join me?
Comments
fabulous!
Awesome account of what you went through! realy helped me open my eyes to my situation
thanks for this article. you have inspired me especially of what I am going through right now. thanks again. :)
I only hope that the rain stop soon & the sun comes out.
you are so wonderful.. this is exactly what I am going through right now after a 15 yr relationship that I can no longer participate in.. I follow you on facebook and twitter and you have had such a hand in pulling me through it is amazing!!! thank you for sharing and caring!!!
perfectly said!!!
a true inspirationstory!!
Thankyou!!!
Thank you for sharing your story, I found myself in the same situation and now I'm at peace, it is so liberating to be able to look back and see that the past no longer controls you and can't take up residence in your present.
I just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 yrs, I was seriously considering going back because I felt so alone without him because we did everything together. But after finding you on twitter and reading this article, I'm sitting here crying while typing because it's like I was reading my own article, my very own heartbreak, and I realised that I'm not the only one, that i can do this, that I deserve BETTER!!! THANK YOU!!!
I lost the entire decade of my twenties staying in a 10 year relationship with someone who was emotionally abusive and incapable of loving me the way a strong, healthy man should. At age 19, he seemed like a dream guy, full of good looks, ambition and charisma. But I soon realized it was all a facade for a damaged, insecure, possessive, controlling man-boy. I stayed there all those years out of ignorance. My friends were all in similar relationships and I believed that the old fashioned "perfect" relationships like my parents & grandparents had were just not possible in this modern day. My epiphany moment was when I realized that if I could honestly say I would be happier being alone forever than spending another month with this person, then what am I doing here?? After 9 years & 9 months, I reached my breaking point and left him, moving 2000 miles away to a city where I knew no one. I am here to tell you there is no greater feeling than the freedom to reinvent yourself! I got a chance to start over in a place where I wasn't simply "so and so's ex" and no one had any preconceived ideas about who I was. That was eleven years ago. I now have the most exciting, fulfilling life being self-employed, having and still making wonderful new friends and I've had some incredible lovers along the way as well. I know my value, I've made up for my lost time and I know that in God's perfect timing, I will soon find a life partner who will be happy to share in my successes (and not be threatened by them). Don't wait another day to free yourself from abuse and codependency!
Thanks for writing this article. It really helps me stay on track, by getting out of a toxic relationship.
Going thru it right now. Emotionally unavailable. puts his friends before me and his own son (10 months). Verbally abusive. And im sitting here wondering why i think i miss him and i i think i love him?? still apart and not going to get back together. why does it hurt so bad when we know its best that we aren't with men like this?!
Thanks so much for writing this... I am going through a similar situation and its really hard. your words show me that i am not the only one.
Mandy, you're amazing... you give words to all my thoughts!
Thank you for sharing your experiences and talent with us!
I stumbled across you on twitter, and I have to say you have been such a support for me. I can completely relate to you, and whenever I question myself your articles and quotes help me regain the strength I know I have.
I stumbled across you on twitter, and I have to say you have been such a support for me. I can completely relate to you, and whenever I question myself your articles and quotes help me regain the strength I know I have.
I stumbled across you on twitter, and I have to say you have been such a support for me. I can completely relate to you, and whenever I question myself your articles and quotes help me regain the strength I know I have.
I hit the one year anniversary of my independence from a bad relationship in September. It was a bittersweet day... more sweet than bitter, though. I remembered sitting on the kitchen floor, tears streaming down my fave as I told him to leave my house and leave my life. It was the most painful moment of my life. How to you rip the seems, no matter how poorly sewn, the have connected two people for 6 years? I congratulate you for getting out so soon. By the time I realized I needed to leave, I'd been in the relationship 3 years, and it took another 3 years of heartache and dysfunction before I was ready to stop being mistreated. Out of that pain, though, has grown such beauty as I never knew existed. Out of that pain I became the strong, happy, confident woman I am today. I don't need a shoulder to lean on, I've got my own. Thank you for writing so candidly about this process. I clung to the poem "After a While" by Veronica Shoffstall. It expresses perfectly the process of rebuilding and learning to value yourself after a man has tried to teach you that you don't have value. Cheers, lady!
Count me in! ^_^
I needed to read this......, bless u Mandy.
you rule!!!
yay!
Wow!! Soooo inspiring! What a Mandy! Wish we could talk abt life someday :D
Wow!! Soooo inspiring! What a Mandy! Wish we could talk abt life someday :D
Wow!! Soooo inspiring! What a Mandy! Wish we could talk abt life someday :D
Wow!! Soooo inspiring! What a Mandy! Wish we could talk abt life someday :D
words of wisdom..bless you!
I love it now I need to follow it..its been a long time comming and I'm ready..Thank you u just gave me so much hope
Wow I really needed this read Mandy, thanks!!
Touched, moved and inspired, even shed a few tears. I cannot thank you enough for sharing your story. I'm confident that this alone has motivated many of us to make the necessary changes in order to move us forward and upward to create a NEW YOU
Blessed Be,
F*&^%$# Fabulous! Way to go!
Thank you so much for this.
THANK U SO MUCH...I JUST FOUND OUT MY BF CHETTED ON ME, IT IS HARD TO GO THROUGH THIS PAIN... TEARS ROLL DOWN MY FACE AS I READ THIS... U HAVE LIFTED MY SPIRITS AND GIVEN ME HOPE...I AM A STRONG WOMAN!!! I KNOW I CAN GET THROUGH THIS...ALL I CAN SAY IS THANK YOU!!!
I love love love this. I can relate 100%. I broke up with the one I thought I would marry 9 months ago. I was very sad and lonely (still am sometimes) but I started Chasing Joy and writing about it (http://chasingjoyrunningfromboredom.blogspot.com/) and have been finding my voice, building new relationships, and becoming a better me every day.
I cried. You're an inspiration!:)
im nursing a broken heart...and this article really inspires me...ur sooo strong!
Amen!
FANTASTIC! I am currently in the 're-creating' myself phase after not realizing I had been stuck and holding on for FOUR YEARS! I now have dreams and aspirations, before somebody would ask me what my future holds and I'd draw a blank, now I can say this is what I'm doing to get to where I want to be. Thank you for you're articles, they're inspiring!!!!
You rock sweetie!
You always seem to write just the right thing at the right time. I love reading your posts!
This is exactly what I base my coaching program around! I actually went through a series of back to back heartbreaks, and I realized that the common denominator was ME. I needed to grow or I had outgrown the relationship, either way, the truth was inevitable. IT JUST WASN'T MEANT TO BE. I'm adding you to my blogroll (lifecoach.wordpress.com).
This was great!
sorry, it was lifecoachdee.wordpress.com
very inspiring !
Thanks Mandy, this is really what I needed at this point of time, so inspiring. Bless you :)
Mandy, I think you are truly a blessing and inspiration to not only women, but men all over the globe, who are fortunate enough to read your stuff. Thank you, so much for the insights, advice, inspiration and just your ability to relate to us.
THANK YOU!!
Kindest regards,
an aussie fan xoxox
this is WOW.. very inspiring! i need it and i have too :)
thank you for the very inspiring post! this made my day!
I am going through the exact situation of which you talk about. I struggled w/ myself a lot. I saw myself marrying my ex... But for all the wrong reasons. He didn't love or respect me the way I KNEW he shouldve. Yet,I stayed. I walked away from him after 2 years. I was sick & tired of being sick & tired as well. It's 330 am where I am. I'm
up thinkn abt this whole situation because I can't believe I gave it 2 years of my life. Reading this has truly helped me! Thank you!!!!
great..!!!!! thank you sweetheart..!! god bless u..
I love love love reading your blog! You help us "single woman" find our selfs again and you remind us that being single is not a bad thing! I'm trying to heal a broken heart myself and with your quotes and blogs i'm getting closer to being ME! Thank you Mandy & God bless.. Greetings from a Dutch fan (all the way from the Netherlands ha)
I feel like you are talking about my life! This makes me feel less lonely... thank you
Pages
Got something to say?
Examiner.com is looking for writers, photographers, and videographers to join the fastest growing group of local insiders. If you are interested in growing your online rep apply to be an Examiner today!