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HOW DID I LIVE WITHOUT THESE THINGS?

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I was looking at one of those “things you never knew you needed until you saw this” catalogue the other day. I’m usually sucked in to buying a few useless items that never work the way they describe. This catalogue, however, had some of the best useless items I have ever seen. Can you live without them?

ChipTastic ™ The No-guilt potato chip. I’m tempted to buy this because I love anything potato, but I’m not convinced this will work. First of all they claim you can make crunchy chips – in the microwave? It does include a free Slice-O-Matic ™ (I think that’s the one that slices and dices). They had me until the end when they added “great for sweet potatoes and fruit crisps too! Fruit crisps? In my Chip-Tastic? I’ll pass.

Other items that just made me laugh; A Beautiful Symbol of Love. Wedding Band Set for only $19.99. That’s some symbol isn’t it? Front-Close Lace Leisure Bra – I’ve heard of a leisure suit, but what leisurely about a bra? Fat Dissolver Cream – lose one pant size in 28 days! I’m not just going to use it on my mid region with that claim. And finally,
The Clock That Sets Itself. How do it know?

As I browse the catalogue I see other items that pique my interest and then, WHAM. Without warning I flip over to page 16. OMG have you seen page 16 (and page 17 too). It’s filled with things such as Double Vibrating Erection Ring, Euro-Cleavage (do European women have better cleavage than we do in the US?), Flirty Nightgown. Now that’s a new one on me. A nightgown that flirts, just in case you aren’t totally up for the challenge yourself. Lots of “massagers” (where I come from they are called dildos) and other erection enhancing products, one especially for diabetics and men with high blood pressure (makes you want to jump all over that man, doesn’t it?).

Then, just like that, with a flip of the page it goes back to a claim for no more nail fungus, a toe straightener and The Hurrycane ™. Were they hoping you didn’t notice those other two pages that preceded it? Flip the page again and you see a male figure in tighty whities, and he’s pushing worry-free incontinence protection for men. Meanwhile the photo is of a very young studley looking guy with a great bod who I doubt has to deal with incontinence. Also on that page they have waterproof pants and a waterproof bed pad. Is this something I should be looking forward to in future years?

To me the Hands-Free Tornado Can Opener ™ conjures up opening a can that proceeds to spray its contents all over the room. And even though it’s only $4.99, I refuse to spend another dime on something that promises to keep my bananas fresh longer. I do like the inflatable salad bar, but the one I think is most impressive and I don’t know why everyone doesn’t have one is the Digging Puppy. It’s literally the back half of a dog that you put into a hole in your grass. They bill it as a “realistic looking, weather resistant (what a relief) polyresin puppy that looks like it’s burrowing for a bone.” Seriously? Who would spend $7.99 to buy something that is “sure to make your friends and neighbors smile”?

My favorite thing, however is something I’ve never seen before and I’m very excited about. Removable Instant Eyebrows! It’s a color transfer that you apply with a wet cloth and is supposed to last for days, plus they come in arched or rounded. I’m going to have to think about which one would look best on my face. They do offer a scissors to trim toenails without bending, however the handle only goes up to your ankle. Personally, I don’t know many people who don’t have to bend to reach something at their ankle.

Here’s something I don’t understand. Foam breast pads that are shaped like real breasts with nipples, complete with a touch pad that attaches to your clothing to keep them in place. Really? I mean, what if you move wrong or too quickly? Imagine what that would look like.

But wait, here we go again. There it is again on page 42-43. More sex aids and vibrators. Woops, we just slipped them in there again. Then back to the corn cob cutter, salad spinner and mini electric fry pan. As if we wouldn’t notice.

Now here’s something I think I could really use. Bake-A-Bone ™ as seen on TV. It’s like a waffle iron only in the shape of dog bones. Yes, it’s $29.99, but when you consider all the money I’ll be saving on making my own bones. Wait, I don’t cook for myself, why would I cook for the dogs?

I did buy the instant door screen last year. I took it out of the package and started reading the installation instructions. The word “instant” isn’t anywhere in the directions. I still have it, but I think it’s in the garage somewhere.

I have to go now, I need to go buy the Chillow ®. This is not only as seen on TV but also Oprah, the Today Show and Good Morning America. I’m not telling you what it is. You have to get your own “things I never knew I needed until I saw this” catalogue. Let me know how much money you wasted – um, I mean spent on these useful items.

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