Sometimes advice questions come in that don't qualify for a column on their own. But these one-liners stimulated my witty, sarcastic side. I couldn't resist giving one of my "Ms. HeartBeat" classic zinger responses.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
A study showed that statistically, men are struck by lightning 4 times as often as women. Do you have an explanation?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Ugly people get hit by lightening more. Men are ugly.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
Man, I guess I'll be staying single for the rest of my life. I tried everything...online dating, match making, etc. and none work. I don't know why it's so hard.
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
You must be hecka ugly!
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
Why is it so hard for guys to say 'I'M SORRY'??
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Because it would be a lie! They are not sorry. Whatever they did, they did on purpose. They wanted to do it. So why lie and say you are sorry when you're not? The problem here is not that men won't say they are sorry... the problem is that women should really stop expecting and demanding to be lied to.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I was thinking about this question yesterday and decided to write you to see what you think. Why are guys so obsessive over boobs? Like I've seen many boobs in school and on my friends and at stores. I see mine too! I don't understand why guys are 'in' love with all of them! Do you have an answer? I love your advice column by the way, you are so funny!
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Yes, I have an answer. Men are obsessed with boobs because they don't have anything else to do with their mind. If they didn't think about boobs, their brains would get no use and have no purpose whatsoever.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
Why do I keep crying about a guy I like?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Because you are dumb? Because you don’t have anything intelligent and sensible to do with your time? Because you are a drama queen? Because you are a big cry baby? I dunno… pick one.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
What do you think of females swearing?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
I am a firm believer in communicating in a manner that clearly transmutes my intended message to the listener. For someone with a high level of intelligence, solid comprehension, a firm grasp of the English language, and that respects my opinion.... I can certainly communicate in a manner that is respectful and businesslike.
However, when one is in France, one should speak French!
So when I am dealing with some ignant, stupid asshat , I get down and dirty right along with 'em and cuss like there is no tomorrow. Folks get real clear on what you are saying when you speak to them in a language they can understand. It's good to be bilingual.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I'm single and want to get married. But my friends tell me my expectations of marriage are too high. Do you think that men and women expect too much out of marriage?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Yes. People expect it to mend all their heartbreaks, solve all their loneliness issues, and make them beam with joy 24/7. Marriage is just a joining of two crazy people that got together to alternately love and grate each other's nerves for the rest of their lives. It doesn't mean any more than that.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
A friend of mine needs really small condoms. I told him I would ask around for him. So I am asking for him, where can I find really small condoms? It isn't for me, it's for my friend.
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Yeah, your LITTLE friend.
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
No man really becomes a fool... until he stops asking questions. That's what I always tell people, what do you think?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Wrong. All men are born fools. The smart ones keep their mouths shut though, so nobody knows. Women think he is a dark brooding mysterious bad boy, but really he is an undercover fool. Like my grandpa said: "It is better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I went through my wife's handbag and found sixteen used condoms. Should I leave her?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
No. She is merely a kleptomaniac. She apparently has a fetish about used condoms. You married her for better or worst. Just because this is a tiny bit worser, you think you can get off the hook that easily?
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
Can you touch your nose with your tongue?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Only people that like to eat boogers taught themselves that trick so they don't have to pick and pull to get a tasty snack. Not my thing. So, ummm no!
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
I'm a college student at San Francisco State. I'm going to a big costume party that my fraternity brother is giving. Give me some ides on a costume I can make please. I hate the store bought versions!! But I'm a young guy and can't sew or anything like that.
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
If you have a hot bod you can go as Michelangelo's David. Just wear a fig leaf.
If you are a porker, you can still wear a fig leaf… just say you are KrispyKreme's David!
Dear Ms. HeartBeat:
You ever talk to someone with breath so bad that you have to HOLD YOUR BREATH when conversing with them? I was speaking with one of my professors in his office and he had the worst dragon breath imaginable. You know the camel section at the zoo? Well, that's what his mouth smelled like. I mean, I couldn't even talk straight, the stench was so overwhelming that it jumbled my speech and clouded my thinking. I left his office in what seemed like a drunken, odor induced daze. What do you think about that?
Ms. HeartBeat Responds:
Zoo-bref. Wow.
Comments