All high school quarterbacks are not built the same. Not everyone is going to win the Mr. Football award like Mentor's Mitch Trubisky, or have an NFL pedigree bloodline like the Tupa's from Brecksville. Most of these teenagers that play quarterback are going to be average to above average players on the high school level. As a wise man once told me "Don't make a bad play worse, because it's those plays people will remember" Accumulating those plays will lead to a place where old quarterbacks go. A place where quarterbacks live in abundance, and a place should be avoided at all costs:
Quarterback Exile Island
For every new member, there is an initiation process..
A priest is leading Brandon Weeden on his tour of the island. As they tour the newly installed football field, they make their way up to the top top level of the stands. All of a sudden, a football comes flying by their heads.
"What was that?" asks Weeden
"That can only be one person who misses that high and wide. It's ex Ohio State quarterback Joe Bauserman"
"What did he do to get here?" asks Weeden
"Didn't you see the games he played against Miami and Nebraska?" the priest says, "Against Miami he was 2-18, and against Nebraska, he completed more passes to their band than to Ohio State receivers"
The priest continues, "One of the perks of Exile Island is that all quarterbacks that come here have a support system, kind of a personal coach, or "mental consigliere" so to speak"
"That sounds cool" Weeden replies, "Who is mine?"
"Yours, my son, is an ex NFL wide receiver. You guys should get along great, since you have so much in common. His name is Willie Anderson. You may know him as "Flipper". We figure that, hey, if the shoe fits....."
As they come to the middle of the island, Weeden and the priest are approached by what looks like another member of this quarterback club. As Weeden and this gentleman go to shake hands, a shock sends this mystery man flying back about ten yards.
"What happened?" asks Weeden
"Oh, don't worry about him" the priest says, "that is Spurgeon Wynn, old quarterback of the Browns. He got his chance in the NFL, and in his only start, never took his team across the 50 yard line. So we installed electric fence here to makes sure he is always comfortable on his side of the field".
As they make their way across the grounds, they see two other members, standing about 3 yards apart, playing catch. Weeden, kind of puzzled as to why they are so close together, asks the priest:
"Why are they only three yards apart?"
"Don't worry my son, the priest answers, "those are brothers Dorsey and Gradkowski. You see, Brother Gradkowski once played an entire game and threw for 16 yards. Brother Dorsey once had a game where he never threw the ball more than 15 yards downfield, and finished with 63 yards passing." The priest continued, "We put them together to play catch until their passing totals surpassed 79 yards. Unfortunately, the have been going at it non-stop for the last two months."
The priest leads them to a huge building at the end of the island. Four white marble pillars lead the way to the inside of the palace. Walking across marble floors and granite counter tops, Weeden is lead to a room that is empty except for what looks like to be an enormous chair. Sitting on this "throne" is someone that Weeden recognizes, despite the four foot high crown he is wearing.
"Welcome to Exile Island Brother Weeden", the voice says, "my name is Tim Couch, and I rule this kingdom while the priest is away." Couch continues, "I know that ruling this kingdom is kind of like being the "World's Tallest Midget", but it is role I take very seriously."
"King Couch, how did you know it was your time?" Weeden asks
"That's easy, Couch says, "When I got hurt, and the fans cheered, I was counting down the days until I could be a part of this utopia. Now, there is someone else I want you to meet"
They make their way down a long corridor that leads to what looks like a kitchen area. There, they see what looks like another member of this quarterbacking fraternity. This gentleman is eating a plate of ribs, and it looks like there is more sauce on his face than on the meat.
"Kelly Holcombe?" Weeden asks
"Yes, Brother Weeden, that is Kelly Holcombe. He suffers from what we call "Cleveland Disease". It's when your burst onto the scene after one good game, and the fans crown you King of the City. It was such a drastic case for Brother Holcombe that after he was cut, all he had to fall back on was the profits of his BBQ sauce. It's a sad case really. He spends his days sitting at the kitchen table wearing more sauce than he eats, and trying to persuade the other Brothers here in invest in his sauce."
"King Couch, why are you the King?" asks Weeden
"That is simple Brother Weeden, Couch says, I completed over 60 percent of my passes, had an offensive line with immortals Jim Pyne and Scott Rehberg playing on it, and had receivers Darren Chiverini and Quincy Morgan to throw to. Heck, I was GREAT compared to these other guys. I have been the best QB to play in Cleveland since 1999."
"It's time to show you the recreation area Brother Weeden" the priest interjects..".Come on, it's not too far from here"
They come to a vast, open green area. It looks like this area is actually lined, as if it is a football field. Brother Weeden notices a sign that says "Underhand Only", and back beyond the sign what looks to be a group of about 20 very angry people.
"Who are they?" Weeden asks
"They are the Ghosts of Linebackers Past." says the priest, "They all line up to play the game. They have been anxiously awaiting your arrival. Matter of fact, we get new ones in every week. All you have to do to keep them entertained is pretend you are getting sacked, and fling the ball up in the air. These Ghosts of Linebackers Past all try and see if they can catch it before it hits the ground."
"Lets show you your living quarters"
As they make their way onto the grounds of what looks like to be a set of clustered apartments, they come upon a group of people cleaning up the landscaping.
"Don't mind them, says the priest, those are Brothers McCoy, Pederson and Garcia. Father Shurmer put them in charge of keeping this place ship-shape. He did have Brother Alex Smith in charge of the digging, but he kept dropping the shovel, so after quite a backlash, he settled on these three"
As the priest leads Brother Weeden to his room, he says something that brings the newest member of Exile Island to his knees:
"My time here has passed Brother Weeden. I have been called to a higher power"
"What could possibly be higher than this place?" asks Weeden
"Cleveland" says the priest, "I have been called there to settle the mess you left at the quarterback position. I figure with my leadership skills, and personal and morals successes off the field, I am just what that team needs. Hopefully, for my sake, I won't be back"
With that, Brother Weeden gets down on one knee, puts his elbow on his knee, and his fist to his forehead...
"Thank you, thank you, thank you.......FATHER TEBOW"