If your friend comes to you with a serious, personal problem, there’s nearly a 100% chance that she simply needs to know that you’re there for her—that you are listening and supporting her, and, unless she specifically asks for advice, you should not offer it.
If you give advice when you haven’t been asked, you are risking damaging your friendship. You may think you’re being an encouraging, well-intentioned friend, but what you really may be is extremely irritating and looking for ways to inflate your ego. You’re going to come across as judgmental. It’s a fundamental rule of friendship that doesn’t sink into the heads of many women. This is unfortunate because there will be times when your advice might be good, and your intentions very noble. Doesn’t matter! If she didn’t ask, you must keep quiet. It’s fine to let her know that you relate and comprehend, but be careful not to misunderstand her intentions. Listen to her carefully; if she’s not asking you to solve her problem, don’t. Some people have a subconscious desire to stir up conflict and arguments, and giving unsolicited advice is a way of getting people to debate. Don’t be that person. Yuck.
On the flip side, if you are asked to give advice, your friend might think you have something to offer. She might be respecting your wisdom and experience. But you should still tread very carefully. If your advice goes wrong, you’ve just fumbled with her fate. And if it goes right? Well, it’s been my experience that not only did my friend forget to acknowledge me for helping, she downright forgot I was the one who helped in the first place! Besides, it’s a pretty common occurrence that it’s not really your advice that’s wanted, but reassurance that she’s doing the right thing.
A good example of this is my quest to find the perfect winter boots. Since it’s a birthday gift from my mom, and I only have a small window of time to find them, I’ve been doing most of my research online. I think I know what I want, but I have doubts, so I send links to my friends to get their opinions. I don’t know what’s more difficult—shopping for the perfect boots or shopping for the perfect positive reinforcement from friends that I’m choosing the right boots!
Asking advice on fashion, food, or how to remove laundry stains, doesn’t come with as big a risk as asking someone what to do in a serious, delicate dilemma. So, it’s always best to avoid getting involved in your friend’s personal problems, especially if you haven’t been asked, and even if you have.
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