Divorce is never an easy choice to make and it is difficult on everyone involved. Divorce is especially difficult when children are involved.
Parents should do everything that they can to help kids adjust to the new normals in their lives. This is the fourth article in a series of six about the impacts of divorce.
Previous articles examined impact to custodial parents, to children, and to non-custodial parents. This article will examine steps parents can take to help children get through the divorce.
According to the Mayo Clinic, www.mayoclinic.com, one of the most important things divorcing parents can do to help their kids is to keep kids out of the fights.
Some parents are really good at this and others aren't so good. Some parents try really hard but still fail at times. Many adult kids of divorce report that the toughest thing is feeling in the middle all the time, even as adults.
Whether intentional or not, nearly all divorcing parents are guilty at least some of the time.
Here are some suggestions that will help keep the kids out of the middle:
Work with your child's other parent. Instead of arguing back and forth, try to use a give and take system whenever possible. You both love the same children and the best way to show the love is to try to work out your problems.
Disagree in private. Don't bring your arguments along at drop-off or pick-up time. Don't share your arguments on Facebook or other social media. Don't have yelling contests over the phone even if the kids are not home.
Don't bad mouth the other parent. You may think he's a jerk but don't say it in front of the kids. She may be pushing your buttons but the kids don't need to hear it. Kids need to feel that it's safe for them to love both parents.
Communicate with your child's other parent. I know it's hard and the other parent may not return the courtesy but try. Send emails with schedules, call when you're going to be late, ask instead of telling when you'd like to work out a time swap.
Think 'my child's other parent' instead of 'my ex.' This small step of thinking and saying "my child's father" or "my daughter's mother" will help remind you that this person has the same parental rights as you do. It will also help keep the focus on the kids.
Don't use kids as messengers. The fastest way to put kids right in the middle is to start a sentence with, "You need to tell your dad" or "Tell your mom I said." This isn't fair to the kids. Be the adult and communicate directly with the other adult.
Do your best to maintain a regular schedule for the kids. There may be times when one parent or the other needs to switch times but kids thrive on consistency and rituals.
Be flexible. If your child's other parent has to work at the last minute on a weekend the kids were supposed to spend with him, work it out. Things come up and flexibility is a life skill your kids can learn from watching.
Agree on basic rules. Although there may be minor differences at the two houses, the basic rules should be the same or very close to the same. If bedtime at Mom's house is 9pm, it probably shouldn't be midnight at Dad's house.
Share good memories of your child's other parent. You once loved him or her, share that with the kids. Show your child photos of the two of you together and talk about fun times you enjoyed.
Make sure your kids have photographs of the other parent. Whether you frame photos to go in each child's room, provide a small album for each child, or keep family photos in the albums in your living room, your child should be able to see pictures.
Kids need someone to talk to just like adults. Maybe you have friends who are also single parents. Maybe your kids have friends whose parents are divorced. If not, your kids may benefit from a support group. Whether it's a formal group at their school or the kids of your friends from a single parents group such as Parents Without Partners, it will help if your kids can vent to someone who understands.
If the other parent is difficult, do your part anyway. You have no control over how others act, including your child's other parent. But you have 100% control over how you react. Choose to be pleasant even in the face of rudeness. Maybe the bad behavior will end and maybe not but at least you will be doing what you can.
Seek professional help if needed. If your child is depressed and struggling with the divorce, she may need professional help. Watch for problems in these areas:
- Not keeping up in school or grades dropping
- Conflict in sibling relationships
- Signs of drug or alcohol use
- Major change in how child spends free time
- Outlook on life taking a downward spiral
- Loss of interest in things she once enjoyed
- New friends and loss of old friends
The choice is yours to take steps to help your kids through the divorce or to cause more conflict. It's not easy working with someone who doesn't want to work with you. The more respect that you show, the more likely it is that respect will be shown to you in return.
The final two articles in this series examine helping yourself deal with emotions in divorce and life after divorce. Stay tuned for more tips to help with a stressful situation.
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