Back to school can be an exciting and stressful time for children and their families for a variety of reasons. In my experience, many students, especially in low income neighborhoods have a difficult time over the summer because they lack the structure and supportive nature once they leave school in June. Often these are the students who do not have activities, summer camps, or other structured activities provided to them during the summer. Children need structure and without it,they become anxious about their containment. This is when they begin to act out. These students may be looking forward to school starting again (even if they aren't acting like it). Other students who are able to have structure in some way during the summer, tend to look more happy and excited to leave school at the end of the year.
No matter what the child's background starting a new year at school can be anxiety provoking. New teachers, new classrooms, new people, and sometimes even a new school. This is especially true when students are transitioning from elementary school into middle school or middle school into high school. The back to school jitters is normal for almost anyone (even adults). This past year many 8th graders came to me in a panic about what high school will be like for them toward the end of the year. Believe me, even if they aren't talking about it, they are thinking about it. Many children are fine with transitions like these, but just remember a small amount of anxiety about new situations is normal. In middle school and high school, in particular, there is an intense amount of anxiety about fitting in and finding your true self. Don't be surprised when your kid comes home with clothes you don't recognize (or approve of) or a new identity one day. This is what this age is all about so don't worry.
The best thing you can do to ease your child's back to school anxiety is be supportive and create structure and routine at home. Supportive does not mean saying yes to everything. Supportive means listening when they've had a hard day (even if it is listening to their actions because they won't talk to you). I can't emphasize how much structure can help ease anxiety for children. Obviously, you need to be flexible, as well, but they need to have the sense of being contained... even if they kick and scream about it. Routine is imperative because it gives children and adolescents a sense of stability and predictability. When they come home from school and they know exactly what they are supposed to do and what is going to happen their anxiety will reduce. Part of the major anxiety about going back to school is that it is unpredictable. We don't know what are new classes or teachers or schools are like. We don't know if we will like them or if there will be a new bully. We don't know our schedule yet. All of these unknowns lead to anxiety.
Here is the cheat sheet:
- Be supportive Listen, be a sounding board, give advice about how you dealt with similar issues when you were in school... if appropriate.
- Create structure in the home Structure creates a sense of containment, which reduces anxiety.
- Maintain a daily routine Predictability lowers anxiety and makes us feel like home is a safe place.
- Help prepare The student with all necessary back to school items. This means buying them AND making sure they get to school with them. They don't want to be the kid who forgot their backpack on the first day and stick out like a sore thumb.
- Allow the student to feel their sense of anxiety or excitement and normalize it... do not make them feel like it is no big deal because it is to them.
- Discuss with them what their anxieties are Listen, problem solve, remind them that you are there for them.
- Pick your battles If your child comes home with a pink streak in her hair, is this the battle you want to fight? I'd rather fight the battle about curfew. You don't want to be fighting all the time. Since this their development age to explore who they are, let them win sometimes. Pick battles that really hit home with your family values and think about whether pink hair is against them
- Be Flexible What they are going through is hard... remember middle school? Not most people's glory days. So be flexible with them.
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