Helping adults who were once abused children

www.morguefile.com / Anita Patterson

An adult who suffered with abuse earlier in life, may still be viewing their world through the eyes of a wounded child.  When meeting a person who was a victim of child abuse in their past-- they may seem normal at first.  They may be coping sufficiently on many levels--until their emotional triggers are activated. 

The severity of abuse, the longevity and the type of abuse all play a role in how the person is able to cope with life today.  Adults of past child abuse who have reached some measure of healing in their lives may continue to struggle with things like self-acceptance, forgiveness, emotional upset and certain types of people who remind them of their abuser.  Other factors, such as how the person interpreted the events that happened to them, will determine how the person responds to events today.  Social settings, family gatherings, roles they play in society and their own personal relationships are all seen through the lens of a damaged child.  Children will frequently make up stories in their minds as to the reason why they were abused.  Stories of blame and shame that may help them stay in the abusive pattern--even into their current relationships.

Often the victim will learn the behavior of abuse and will pick up that dirty mantle as adults, who are abusive to their own children and/or spouse and ultimately to themselves.  There is a heavy burden of shame, guilt and disappointment eating away at the crippled life that dwells somewhere deep beyond the shell of a person that remains.

Keep in mind when dealing with adults of child abuse that there are some common triggers that may cause the wounded child within to surface.  Encountering people who are aggressive or passive-aggressive, rude, spiteful, disingenuous or fake--may cause the victim to shut down emotionally.   If they were verbally abused, they may respond strongly to verbal put downs and criticism.  Behaviors they witness in others that they may interpret as rejection, disapproval, passive-aggressiveness, unfairness, closed mindedness and selfishness may cause knee jerk reactions in their subconscious mind.  Avoiding rejection can become a full time job for the adult victim of child abuse. 

To help a person find that door to self acceptance--be supportive and caring and offer them acceptance and approval.  Be constructive when you give them feedback and give them understanding when they become fearful or defensive.  Help them to acknowledge their fears and to accept their feelings.  Adults of child abuse often have so much junk stuffed under that proverbial rug--that they live in a constant state of feeling unclean on the inside.  Helping the adult see their past through new eyes and to let go of the stories they made up as children, which assigned blame to themselves, are good steps towards wholeness.  They will need to take a parenting role with their inner child and fill in all the gaps that were missing in their formative years.  The ultimate goal is to help the adult to be real with themselves and others without fear--giving them back their true voice while helping the person to live more in the present moment than in their past.

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