So much has happened over the summer and now here we are in the colorful fall season and I am still catching up with myself. New friends and new jobs on top of ground breaking personal growth and healing in the major relationships in my life have created both personally and professionally growth.
By holding on tightly to painful wounds from the past I had created such a brave face to show the world that it turned hard and cold. My secret pain had caused me to build walls to protect myself from further pain and injury. By doing so it took on a life of its own and became the face I showed the world on a daily bases. Tough, strong, and hard as nails in public was weak, frail and damaged in private.
Always being the first to reject close relationships for fear of being rejected by others. Never allowing anyone to get too close to me because then they might see how dirty and damaged I really was.
At a very young age I was drugged and raped, this was my secret. It was not until I was in my thirties that I came to realize that it was not my fault. Now that I am in my fifties I can look back on my life and see how that one event changed my whole life.
The pain of remembering is real. The pain of healing something like this is real. I am in pain as I remember what happened and tell my secret, so that it’s no longer a secret. This was my secret pain to bear and hide from those that loved me. I no longer want to hide from the people that love me.
I was a virgin, and that was taken from me. Now I am a full grown woman that morns for her lost innocence. If you have a similar pain; tell your secret to someone. You will find as I did, that you are not alone and that you don’t have to carry the weight of this by yourself. There is healing in sharing the secrets that we hide from others.