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He who smelt it, dealt it

He who smelt it, dealt it
He who smelt it, dealt itinternet/Rus Pishnery

Usually when I’m in the kitchen cooking and especially when friends or family are over, there is a flow of people coming and going from the stove, counter and table. It is the aroma of a master at work and as they smell and sample the fruits of my labor I get comments like, “Smells good Rus” or “What are we making?”

He who smelt it, dealt it
He who smelt it, dealt itinternet/Rus Pishnery

Not so last Friday night when me and Ursula had some guests over.

I had a bowl of chili with a slice of cold pizza and a Bud Lite Lime for lunch that day and by the evening I was letting loose with a barrage of SBD’s. For those unfamiliar with the term, it is not a sexually transmitted disease but a series of short, sporadic and silent episodes of passing gas. The dreaded Silent But Deadly attack. I was helpless and there wasn’t an Imodium A-D in sight. Even our dog Shep dared not enter the confines of my culinary salon.

What? This is a common problem, how many of you have experienced it or worried about it? I’m just brave enough to write about it. This was intended to be a serio-comic piece about flatulence but truth is, I’m not feeling very funny today. I couldn’t ad-lib a fart after a bowl of baked beans, that’s how bad it is. So I’m taking the scientific approach.

There are many reasons humans play the trumpet with their butts. Recent clinical tests reveal that 30% let one loose for the comedy, 10% are accidents, 25% are gastric relief and 35% are the results of eating Taco Bell. This was the problem at the fart house in college.

But we all do it. The other night when I let loose with another volley, I had to remind myself to step away from the gas flame at the stove.

There are several ways to prevent blowing in the wind. Experts suggest a limit on dairy products, carbonated beverages and raw vegetables. This seriously hampers my intake of carrot sticks, buttermilk ranch dressing and ice-cold beer. The diet will do little to curb the fragrance. I suggest wearing a pair of charcoal underwear.

So as the evening passed and I continued to pass lethal amounts of ethane in to the atmosphere I forged on with creating dinner. (At one point I thought I overheard one guest ask Ursula, “Who cut the cheese?”)

Ironically the evening’s main course as a traditional South Seas dish called a Pu Pu Platter. The Pu Pu platter is an exotic Hawaiian sample of island food.

I usually start with a huge platter and ring it with cut mango, kiwi, and grapes, whatever. In the center I have a carved pineapple with strawberries run through it with toothpicks. From there pile your platter with chicken wings, island spare ribs, crab Rangoon, maybe some spring rolls or a tropical Poke salad. You can even add dips, maybe some Naan bread or veggies, but beware of the veggies. One suggestion while eating Pu Pu Platter in a group. If you feel one coming on, let it loose, then politely stand up and move to the other side of the group. When the odor makes it rounds, no one will be the wiser that it was you.

Stand clear everybody.