"An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves."
“New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.”
"It wouldn't be New Year's if I didn't have regrets."
"The only way to spend New Year's Eve is either quietly with friends or in a brothel. Otherwise when the evening ends and people pair off, someone is bound to be left in tears."
“New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.”
"What you do for Jewish New Year is you go down to Times Square....It's a lot quieter than the regular New Year. It's just a few Jews walking around going, 'sup?'"
"Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to."
“I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Year’s resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?”
“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.”
-P. J. O'Rourke
"Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means you've already met your New Year's resolution."