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Guaranteed Super Bowl bets, Denver Broncos v Seattle Seahawks

If we only had one more friend..
If we only had one more friend..
Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images

This is where prognosticators of a less confident inclination offer a disclaimer, warning their followers not to wager the retirement account on something as uncertain as a sporting event. Poppycock. If you can find someone to take or book any of the following action, bet your back teeth and everything your roommate owns. The following propositions have been researched exhaustively, that is to say, we just made them all up, so you can't possibly lose.

Closeups of Peyton Manning with his helmet off - O/U 3
More impressive than Manning's return to football following neck surgery is his forehead. The media, and thus the football watching public are captivated by it, as they are with the huge red indentation his helmet leaves when he takes it off. If the game starts to drag, or if Peyton makes a single bad decision, expect the camera to be all over him. TAKE THE OVER

The Halftime Show will be way overblown - OFF
This bet is currently off the board as we cannot find anyone to take the other side.

Number of Relevant Sideline Reports NOT Pertaining to a Player Injury - O/U .5
Television producers from ESPN to Fox Sports South Singapore are of the notion that periodic updates from the sidelines somehow improves the average sports broadcast. They must have invested significant money in some comprehensive focus-grouping and learned semi-related sidebars are a fine means of capturing the attention of disinterested parties. The research ignores the inconvenient truth that these people aren't watching anyway, and the sports fans who are don't need to hear the coach of the losing team say he hopes his team starts playing better. Unless Erin Andrews is standing over the inert body of someone like Richard Sherman, don't expect to learn anything worth remembering. Take the Under

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