While generating greater intimacy through conflict sounds counterintuitive, it actually makes perfect sense. All relationships face conflict in some form or another and how couples work through those conflicts is the stuff from which intimacy is made. And, no, I’m not talking about those relationships based on conflict in the form of contentious fights followed by frenzied reconciliations. I’m talking about garden variety conflicts – money, in-laws, division of chores, expectation of time spent together – each a potential argument minefield or source of growth depending on how each partner perceives the situation and reacts. Successfully managing and working through conflict is how relationships grow and intimacy deepens.
I recently spoke with Bill Cloke, PhD, couples therapist and author of Happy Together: Creating a Lifetime of Connection, Commitment and Intimacy, and he shared some common struggles faced by many couples and shed some insight into understanding what each partner brings to the relationship that impacts conflict resolution.
- Failure to acknowledge each other's point of view: One of the most common mistakes couples make during arguments is failing to acknowledge what the other person is saying. Many people perceive acknowledgement as “giving in”. People in general want to know that that they are being heard, and simply listening without judgment and not simultaneously formulating your own argument while they are speaking is a step toward understanding. Sometimes being heard is all a person wants. Even if you think you understand, listen anyway and be open to seeing a different perspective. Repeat your understanding of what you have been told to ensure your comprehension.
- Be specific about what you want or need: State your side without criticizing or complaining. Dr. Cloke writes, “The problem is not that we fight, it’s how we fight.” Sticking with the issue at hand, not bringing up past arguments and being clear about the outcome you desire are as important as understanding your partner’s point of view. If there is too much emotion in the moment, take some time to cool off and organize your thoughts. Screen out that which is not directly connected to the present topic.
- Self-awareness: Dr. Cloke writes, “Whatever we do not understand about ourselves and our past will be transported into our present.” Knowing and understanding what circumstances from your past are affecting the reactions you have today is a step toward greater intimacy with your partner. Most conflicts have at the center the surface issue, but beneath the surface are the experiences from our lives that we unconsciously bring as well. Not only the unresolved issues themselves, but the style with which we were taught to communicate comes into play. If your model growing up was conflict being resolved through anger and rage, there is a high likelihood that you will repeat that style. Dr. Cloke finds that his work with couples often leads to individual sessions with each partner to understand what past issues they may be projecting into the relationship, and then working through that as couple.
- Treat your partner as you would a friend: Because in a romantic relationship there is the implicit understanding that neither of you is going to walk away easily, there can be a tendency to say things that we would never dream of saying to even a really close friend as we would risk losing the friendship. If you can communicate with your partner by listening empathetically, resisting the urge to retaliate, and choosing your words carefully, you are giving the value of friendship to your relationship.
- Follow through on commitments: After the conflict has been identified, understood, and resolved, follow through on whatever promises were made to avoid the same conflict in the future. Your actions will be the greatest show of respect and generate a reservoir of good faith that future conflicts can also be successfully resolved. This leads to partners being more willing to take risks such as expressing fears and vulnerabilities with greater certainty that they will be supported.
Conflicts are a natural part of any relationship and if resolved effectively can be a valuable way of learning about yourself and your partner and deepening your intimacy as a couple. There is no magic bullet or quick fix to guarantee the success of any relationship. Perseverance, commitment and willingness to work through conflict certainly increase the odds of staying together, and connecting through love and kindness versus anger increase the odds of staying happy together. For more information, please visit Dr. Cloke’s website: www.happytogetherbook.com
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