The government shutdown, now in its third day, on Wednesday spurred plans by a group of Libertarian activists to build an adult theme park funded by federal dollars to prove the point that in today’s America, anything is possible – if it’s ludicrous enough.
A spokesman for the group on Wednesday announced at a press conference at a law office in Lake Mary, Florida, just outside Orlando, that the adult theme park will place an emphasis on sex education and will be called, “Screw U.” The spokesman says the park will be built somewhere in rural northern Florida and will feature anatomically correct rides and attractions.
When asked by this reporter how the park would be financed, the spokesman said simply, "Uncle Sam."
In order to get federal subsidies for what the group calls “An educationally-oriented theme park that will teach Americans how to live healthy sexual lives,” theme park principals are of every possible ethnic ilk so as to qualify for minority grants and low-interest loans. The park also will feature a working farm on which fresh produce will be planted and harvested – including plants and herbs for producing aphrodisiacs - allowing the park owners to qualify for farm subsidies. Making the park handicap accessible will bring in yet more federal and state monies.
“We’re going to play the game the way Congress set it up to be played,” said theme park principal, Tom Beckinsale. “You can justify federally subsidizing anything as long as you play by Congressional rules – rules Congress enacted.”
Beckinsale handed out an illustrated pamphlet to reporters that promised theme park visitors “a non-prurient experience steeped in the beauty of the human body.” The visuals, however, are straight out of Walt Disney’s worst acid-induced nightmares.
In one pictorial, a giant penis-shaped monorail car whisks riders to Pleasure Mountain, the entrance to which bears a striking resemblance to a vaginal orifice. Once inside, the monorail passes through a fallopian-like tube that leads to the Ovary Pavilion where passengers disembark and are treated to an educational seminar on the human reproductive system. Next stop, Pleasure Valley, where fresh grown phallic-shaped produce provide a refreshing snack for visitors to much on before proceeding to their next “sextination.”
By this point in the press conference, reporters – usually a jaded, ‘done that, been there’ group – recoiled in horror and disbelief as they clutched their notebooks.
“I see that some of you are a little uncomfortable,” Beckinsale told the gathered journalists. “That’s exactly how we feel when watching our elected officials going through the legislative motions, shutting down our government, but still collecting their paychecks.”
Beckinsale says he expects to break ground on the theme park sometime in the summer of 2014.
“We want to time the construction to coincide with the upcoming Congressional midterm elections,” he said. “It’s a reminder to Congress that you'd better not screw with the American people."