This is 8th in a month long series of articles about Teen Dating Violence Prevention Month.
"Imperfect, Unfinished and Transient"
A friend just handed me this reading from a Psychologist named Mic Hunter, who is a recovering person. Hunt's reading cited Richard Powell, author of a book called WABI SABI in which he says that this Japanese term looks at "accepting the world as imperfect, unfinished and transient. "
Imperfect: things are ok with problems, blemishes and glitches
Unfinished:things can be constantly constructed or worked on
and Transient: things come and go.... and people come and go....
The below 5 things are voted to have some version of popularity, which apparently indicates acceptance as accurate. Urban Dictionary http://www.urbandictionary.com/ is a fun source of current opinions about social terminology on things in the range of dating or young people's relationships.
"Hooking up has come to define sexual relationships for most of today's teens and young women. It can mean anything from kissing and touching to oral sex or intercourse. Vagueness is its hallmark. "A girl can say, 'I hooked up with so-and-so,' and no one knows what she did. It protects you and makes you a player at the same time," -Aparicio (Sophomore at Boston University)<http://www.boston.com/yourlife/relationships/articles/2007/02/13/hooking...
A Lightswitch Couple or the Bipolar Couple, per the Urban Dictionary A couple who is constantly breaking up and getting back together. "Dude, Deal and Pamela broke up and hooked up again."
Holla Back Girl A girl that a man calls irregularly, whenever it is convenient for him. A girl that a man feels that he can call, stop calling and then start calling whenever he feels like it. She is someone who is there for a booty call or to chill when a man is bored or between girlfriends. He HOLLAS back at her and she responds by being there for him and accepting whatever she can get from him.
Reunion Sex Sex that is had with an ex months or years after the break-up with both parties acknowledging that it is simply sex and there is not a chance in hell that the couple will be getting back together.
Grouple: A sort of abbreviation for "gross couple". Everyone has known/heard/seen one; Two people who's un-dividing high school relationship is going to 'last for eternity'. Together, they're no longer two separate people, but one single entity.
Here's a quiz YOU ARE A GROUPLE IF...
you count your weekly/daily anniversaries
you have picture(s) of yourselves kissing posted on Facebook/Myspace
your last text message is from your significant other
your phone background is their face
your significant other's name is saved as something other than their name listed on their birth certificate in your phone book(ie baby, boo, my honeybun hotcakes...)
you see their family more than you see your own
you're planning to attend the same college/university
you have more of their clothes in your closet than you do your own (for girls mostly..)
you wear themed Halloween costumes (plug and outlet anyone?)
you've decided your children's names
you said "I love you" two weeks into your relationship
you plan your daily outfits to match
you feed each other
you text them right after you get off the phone with them
if you've broken up and gotten back together within 24 hours
if you've broken up and gotten back together at least twice
if you can't go out in public without each other
So, that was how, why and.............. now WHO is getting back together? It is also a version of poor boundaries in the name of love.... or something.
Racial minority young people are (44%) more likely than others to have reconciliation with an ex boyfriend or girl friend. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/01/130122122440.htm
Think Rhianna and Chris Brown in the public eye.
52% of those reconcilliations include sex.
While most teens and young adults who do use birth control (condom or otherwise) do so rather faithfully upon the original initiation of sex in a relationship.... and minority youth have been in the less likely category to initially employ birth control....... per articles as above, and by the CDC.
Upon reintroduction of the couple to each other there is an increased risk for pregnancy and std exposure, as one or both partners may have been sexually involved or may actively be involved with others and the couple isn't testing for STD or using protection.... because they believe their relationship is based on mutual trust and affection.... and there is a fantasy of exclusivity. ( it is only just us in the couple, not the whomever else the partner had sexual contact with and the health of those persons or people)
Questions that clarify the relationship:
Why are you dating? hooking up, hollar back, lightswitching or groupleing ?
What is the intention behind dating?...............................
What are the rules about dating?..........................
What are the rules about health?........................
What are the rules about personal boundaries, personal development and long term personal goals or obligations?
How will you decide if you are a safe or unsafe partner (emotionally, socially and physically)? How will you decided if you are safe or unsafe WITH this person, .... are THEY unsafe towards you emotionally, socially and physically?
Many people, including Oprah were very concerned that Rhianna and Chris Brown had not separately entered into some kind of counseling regarding their domestic violence episode or personal history that led them to the conflict.
Some people like Oklahoma Country Music singer Miranda Lambert, who has a life long investment in protecting women victimized by domestic violence spoke directly to the boundary violations and outrage at the incident, and most all that followed.
Ongoing concern Rhianna and Chris Brown had recently reunified as a couple over various environments without any apparent formal mediation to resolve the history and their future contacts resonated the Oprah and Miranda Lambert questions.
Midstream in the unification, there was the release of the possible secret of Rhianna hooking up with Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez having some feelings about not being advised of same at the onset of her relationship with Bieber.
This article is not meant to be a source of information regarding the 'stars', however the high visibility of these people makes for possible familiar illustration from a distance, with hypothetical choices and possible lessons for everyday life.
How do you learn to have Wabi-Sabi in your relationship, where you honor the imperfections and work on being safe and healthy?