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Go ask Lara #7, wife can't change husband, but she can change herself

Dear Lara,

My husband gives me a lot of problems. He is not attentive, feels he is entitled to have me do things for him, does not seem to care about how I am feeling. I am not a young chicken and it is too late to go about divorcing him. I just want some peace. I have been bringing in the money, but he won’t let me make the decisions on what to do with that money. I feel like a slave and that I made a mistake with my life by marrying the wrong person. I cannot die yet, but that option looks good. Have any ideas?

B.F. in CA

Dear B.F.,

I feel for your life. Life sometimes has suffering in it until we realize that and do what we can to alleviate that in our lives. If we don’t pay attention to our own needs and internal guidance, but just cater to another, we are in for an uphill amount of suffering. But, it is about balance because serving another can also alleviate suffering. I suggest paying attention to how you feel every day and realize that in order to let go of suffering you have to create the feeling of peace within and focus on that. Then you do not focus on him, you focus on this newness that you give to you. What about finding a peaceful place to walk and be. You need to boost your own confidence when you feel depressed. Chronic depression undermines confidence and can lead to other negativity and health issues as well. If you realize that you need to have something at your fingertips that you enjoy that you can do every day, then you are focusing on taking care of yourself.

I suggest somewhere to walk or be, someplace maybe you haven’t been before at a time of day that you haven’t previously experienced much. Perhaps an early morning walk in a peaceful place will give you something to look forward to that is also healthy for you. Or perhaps adding dancing in your living room to music you enjoy. Put yourself in a special place every day that feels nourishing to you. The key is to nourish yourself so that you take your focus off of the problem. Your mind was focusing on the things wrong with your husband. There might be many starring at you in the face from morning till night. It is up to you to create something different because he will still be there. Once you soften the focus on him and re-focus it on something that is healthy and feels good that you give to yourself, then your own well being will be your new direction. He might even notice or feel the change in you and get inspired to do something similar to make himself feel better on his own.

When you make the commitment to take care of yourself by adding that which is peaceful and nourishing, then you invite more good into your life. When more good is focused on, more good happens. Know that you deserve good. Perhaps a stroll in a beautiful place becomes a sacred element in your life. Adding something sacred that nourishes you is a grand step toward taking care of yourself. It will affect all around you, including this man.

If we cannot change another, we can certainly change ourselves or something about our life to make it feel special. It can be difficult to take away things, situations or people, but easier to add that which is harmonious to our day. Your re-focusing on this addition of sacred harmony into your life has to affect a positive change.

I wish you the best.


Lara De Ann is a writer of books available on and e-books currently on Kindle. She also gives Insightful Guidance over the phone. As a non-religious Ordained Reverend, she does spiritual weddings and memorial services.


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