Gotta give up the guilt.
I had an epiphany today and I must share - I do not have to feel guilty for the life my step-daughter has. Sure people have told me this before, countless times actually...even SHE has been telling me for years to stop feeling bad for her and her "situation". But today, for some reason, this fact finally clicked in my brain - the circumstances of her life are not my fault, and I have no reason to continue carrying responsibility for it.
As her stepmom, I have carried immense guilt for almost 14 years over the fact that she lives a back and forth, sometimes seemingly double, life. I have felt horrid that she has two homes, I have felt horrid that she gets torn between her two moms, and I have bent over backwards to make accommodations in forever feeble attempts to somehow compensate her for the lifestyle I feel responsible for. I have fought to protect her, I have sacrificed time and time again for her, and I have carried a burden deep in my heart that has kept me in a constant state of "poor baby".
Today I realized this fact - her life is exactly as it is supposed to be. And my place in it is exactly as it is supposed to be. I do not believe in coincidences - I believe in purpose and point in everything we are presented with in life. Sadly, for years, I have somehow overlooked my beliefs when it comes to her life. I have been mislead by my enemy on several occasions and have been made to think that I was supposed to take a stand, fight, protect...shelter. And I think I have done her, many around me, and the creator, a huge disservice in doing so. By making endless efforts to help her change her life, I have fostered in her a belief that her life is, well, crummy. This has also caused her to think, in many ways, that the world revolves around her - because ours truly has.
For all of you in my situation, do not do what I have done. I had the best of intentions, and only her best interests at heart - that I guarantee you...I really thought I was doing the right thing. But I have disrespected the one who made her life what it is - questioned his ability to do it right. My step-daughter has the two biological parents she was meant to have, and the step-parents she was meant to have - I have to remember to trust that and know that there is a greater power at work here...far greater than me...and that there is a plan far bigger and better than any plan I could ever have in mind. And I now have to try to somehow right the ship I have steered so very far off course. Wish me luck.
For more info about being a good stepmom: The Courage to Be a Stepmom, by Sue Patton Thoele
Comments