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Getting blasted in the kitchen

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Why cook with alcohol? It gives food a distinct flavor and it’s fun to cook with. Drinking beer and cooking chili while a football game is on. Sipping wine and stirring a pot of red sauce with Sinatra on the CD player. Doing shooters with your wife or girlfriend while marinating some breasts. This is the rich and festive atmosphere of alcohol in the kitchen.

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Alcohol causes food to react differently. Beer contains yeast which can leaven you favorite bread or batter recipe. Wine used in marinades can help break down tough fibers in meats. Rum or vodka flame desserts, giving the crowd that “oooh” and “aaah” effect. (Always keep a fire extinguisher handy in the kitchen), and please cook with alcohol responsibly.

But drinking alcohol and cooking can lead to culinary disaster. To illustrate this point Ursula and I enlisted the help of Sgt. Sledge Fife from the Wewahitchka police Department. Sgt. Fife agreed to bring along his trusty homemade breathalyzer box to help us understand the effects of drinking alcohol and cooking. As we drank, I cooked up a sumptuous meal and Sgt. Fife tested my blood alcohol level periodically. Remember that a .08% alcohol level in most states is legally drunk. It is also the level that the fat girl with the pimples starts to look pretty good.

So let’s get started. Our featured menu has a main dish and two sides, all involving alcohol. First up, grab a 6-pack of Bud Lite Lime, drink one, and let’s get it on.

Beer-Battered Onion Rings

4 Medium Sized Vidalia onions, Peeled and Sliced ½ inch Thick

¾ Cup Bud Light Lime

¾ Cup Zatarain’s Crispy Breading Mix

1 Tsp. Baking Powder

Salt, Freshly Ground Black Pepper

In a large bowl, combine beer, mix and other ingredients, whisking until lumps are gone and the batter has a pancake consistency. Dip individual onion rings into batter, pouring off excess and deep fry at 350 degrees in batches of five or six, depending on the size. Do not overcrowd the oil with rings. Place golden brown onion rings on a paper towel to blot oil. Open another bottle of Bud Lite Lime, pound it down, and we’re ready for the next dish.

Blood-Alcohol level- .06%

Easy? Have another beer and let’s continue.

Firth, uncork a bollte of good Chardonnay wine. Taketh a fewth sips of the wine to see if it’s good. Ah, ith good.

White-Wine Carrots

1 ¼ Cup White Wine

¾ Cup Chicken Broth

1 Tbs. Butter

1 Lb. Baby Carrots

Bring nthe wine, broth and butter to a boil in a large saucepan, and reduce at a boil for about ten minutes. Pour a glass of wine for yourself, reduce the heat and add carrots. Cover and simmer for 15-20 minutes or until carrots are tender. You can have another glass of wine while you are waiting.

Brood-Alkyhol level- .12%

Ursula es now passet out on the salad spinner. Lightweight. Hour mane course is the famous Bourbon-Chicken da dish dat is made wit bourbon and chixen. It only calls for a ¼ Cup of bourbon, so dere iz plenty left over for you to sip. Buy a half-gallon of da bourbon and you can hat mor ee.

Bourbon-Chicken

1 Cut-up Fryer Chicken

½ Cup Brown Sugar

2 Garlic Cloves, Peeled and Smashed

¼ Cup Bourbon

2 Tbs. Sesame Oyl

Brown the chicken in a little olyve oyl in a Dutch oven. Add the rest of the ingredients, scrapping any chicken bits from the bottom of the pot.. Simmer, covered for about 30-45 minutes.

Bood-Achol leven-Only .18%!

Whut a fab me al~! I’m barery drunk~! But I no hungary…Da chixen tastes better the nezt day anyhew. I luuuuuv u guys…

Tanx, Occifer Fife! I’ll have anuther.

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