"He makes me so angry. Every time I look at him, I just blow up."
"It's not my fault that I reacted the way I did. She got smart with me and that's just how I respond; I can't control it."
Have you ever found yourself saying or thinking something along those lines after a particularly explosive reaction to something? You experience something and then "boom", you just react. That's what you think, anyway. What many people do not realize is that their reactions to events are not instantaneous or sudden. If you stopped to examine the situation, you would find that there was a thought that crossed your mind before you reacted, even if that thought only lasted a moment.
Ok, so you have a thought before you react, but what do you do about it? If you have a thought, you can change that thought, and in turn, change the way you react to a situation, which means you have more control over your behavior than you think you do. Cognitive Behavior Therapy, or CBT offers techniques on how to change your behavior by changing the way you think. One of the most effective methods of doing this is something that anyone can do on their own in a daily journal: the ABCs of CBT. The ABC model breaks down an event into three parts:
A: Activating Event
B: Belief
C: Consequence
Let's use an example. In this example, Jane has a problem behavior of reacting very negatively whenever John, her annoying coworker, makes a comment to her:
A: John walks into the room and makes a snarky comment about Jane's clothing
C: Jane erupts into a fit of rage and throws curse words at John, resulting in a reprimand from her supervisor.
"A" and "C" are the easiest to fill out because these are the events that play out for all to see. When you are filling out your own ABC chart, you will be able to fill these in without having to place much thought into it. The "B" is often the trickiest to fill in because these are thoughts that are often buried deep in our minds.
Beliefs leading to problem behaviors are often "musts", which means, these are the things that you believe deeply that you are entitled to; rules, so to speak, imposed on others. Some of these beliefs may include things like, "everyone must treat me with respect", or "everyone must say 'good morning' to me." You undoubtedly have your own "musts", which when violated, make you very angry or irritated. If we impose rules on others, like "everyone must treat me with respect", we also have the thought to enforce those rules by acting in a way to discourage violating those rules. This, among other thinking errors, contributes to the problem behaviors.
In the example above, Jane believes that everyone must treat her with respect. When John makes snarky comments to her, he breaks this rule imposed on him by Jane, and in order to regain control of the situation, Jane hurls curses and insults at him.
Now, in order to correct the problem behavior, we all must come to terms with the fact that we cannot impose any rules on anyone. We cannot demand respect from everyone because, let's be honest, that just isn't going to happen. We can boil over and rage all we want, but that won't change the fact that not everyone will respect the rules we have unconsciously placed on them. When we do this, we only hurt ourselves, drive ourselves insane, and set ourselves up for failure. What everyone must do is get rid of these "musts" that we all cling to. If you can confront these "musts" that you hold dear to your heart, you can effectively tackle the source of problem behaviors.
Keep in mind that CBT, generally speaking, is not intended to span more than 6-12 weeks. For more severe or complex emotions and behaviors, you may require more intensive treatments and should consult a licensed psychologist to find something that works for you. The ABC model can prove to be very helpful in curbing negative interactions with a loved ones, but will not change a violent partner's ways. If you or your partner has a history of violence or causing injury to themselves or others, you need to consult a professional for help immediately. Please keep in mind that you cannot change your partner's behavior and if s/he has a history of violence, this will not change and you should seek legal help immediately.
As always, wishing you strength and peace of mind, from Mia Hart to yours.
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