I recently completed another speaking engagement, this one in New York City, as part of The Direct Dating Summit Weekend Conference for Men. The Direct Dating Summit (DDS) events have been held in Berlin (Germany), Las Vegas, London (England), and Melbourne (Australia) in addition to New York beginning with November 2010.
One of the few women who attended expressed that she was genuinely surprised by many of the men who attended. She said, "Alan, with all due respect ... I thought this event would be full of 'loser' type guys. You know, guys who are unattractive, obese, super-geeky and shy, etc. But there are a lot of handsome, intelligent, well spoken men here. Pretty 'normal' type guys. Why do you think so many of the guys who attend these Direct Dating Summit events need help and guidance with women? What is their main weakness with women?"
I told this woman that if I had to identify at least one "common denominator" among the men who attend the DDS events, it is usually that they suffer from the "He's too nice" syndrome in their interactions with women. I have always said that my number one target demographic for my books, my talk radio show, and my speaking presentations is the "frustrated nice guy." The guy who, up to this point, bought into the belief that being an exceptionally polite and "well-mannered gentleman" would be his primary key to romantic and sexual success with women, but found that over the years, that belief has caused him nothing but romantic and sexual frustration.
In general, there are a lot of invalid beliefs and attitudes that the 'frustrated nice guy' types need to overcome, but if I had to pick out one in particular, it is their "addiction" to "empty compliments."
What is an "empty compliment?"
If I was a restaurant owner, and you visited my restaurant ... purchased a meal ... and then at the conclusion of your meal, you told me, "That meal was fantastic! I am definitely going to eat here again, and I am going to recommend this restaurant to all of my friends and acquaintances!" this would be representative of a very meaningful compliment based on a mutually rewarding experience.
On the other hand, if you were an acquaintance of mine, and you said to me, "I heard you opened a new restaurant! I bet the food is good. Just from what I know about you, I bet you hired a staff of great chefs and cooks. I wish you the best!" this compliment would not mean much to me. Why not?
Not once did you express a desire to patronize my restaurant and taste the food for yourself. Not once did you mention that you would tell your friends, relatives, and other acquaintances about my restaurant. In this example, you were just being flattering for the sake of being 'nice.' That is what I categorize as an "empty compliment."
I remember I was at a party once, and a group of women asked me what was the best compliment I had ever received from a woman I had just met. I said, "A blowjob." Some of the women blushed and giggled, while others responded with stunned silence. One woman said, "That is not a compliment! That is a sexual act on her part! How is that representative of a compliment?" Action-oriented compliments, in my opinion, are the most meaningful compliments of all.
You take me being a book author. The most meaningful compliments for me are from those men and women who have actually purchased one or more of my books, and thoroughly read them. If you approach me at a social event, and say, "I heard you were a writer! Well good for you! Congratulations on your books. I bet they are good!" that compliment would not mean much to me at all. Not once did you express an interest in purchasing one of my books or reading one of my books. Again, similar to my restaurant example, you were just being "nice."
Speaking of being 'nice,' that is the problem with 'nice guy' types. They love having women express comments and compliments such as, "You are such a great guy! You are such a wonderful person! You are such a sweetheart!! You are so polite and considerate!! You are such an empathetic, caring person!!" Etc., etc., etc. In the long run, none of those 'compliments' mean anything to a man if he is always at home masturbating to internet pornography each and every weekend for six months straight (and this is not an exaggeration for some men I have met ... trust me).
One of my first epiphanies that led me to write my first book, Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking, was when I realized that I rarely if ever was involved in a romantic or sexual relationship with women who had nothing but compliments of my behavior. To this day, I feel uncomfortable when women have nothing but "good things" to say about me. At minimum, it usually means that they do not really know me that well ... and at maximum, it usually means that there is a 99.99% chance that this woman and I are never going to have sex.
Over the course of my life, I would estimate that no less than twenty-four out of every twenty-five women I have had sex with had at least one major or minor criticism of some aspect of my behavior and personality.
Here are at least five examples of criticisms I have received from women over the years just minutes, hours, days or weeks before I had sex with these same women:
1) "Alan ... you are too blunt about your sexual thoughts and desires with women you have just met. I mean, you barely even know me!"
Comment: I cannot tell you how many women expressed a variation of this criticism to me, only to later on engage in sexual relations with me. So much for "talking about sex too quick."
2) "Alan, sometimes you come across as very spoiled and egotistical. You always want women to behave in a manner that is to your pleasing. The world does not revolve around Alan Roger Currie."
Comment: Most women who express criticisms like this are usually women who want me to exhibit behavior that is to THEIR liking. Hypocrites. Needless to say, I have had sex with a number of women just days or weeks after they expressed such a criticism.
3) "Alan, your language is way too X-rated and explicit for my tastes. I would border on saying that your language is crass and disrespectful to women. At least women of class."
Comment: Have you ever heard of "talking clean" to a woman to get her sexually aroused? Me neither. Conversely, everyone has heard of the concept of "talking dirty" to a woman. The reality is words that are explicit, profane, X-rated, and taboo are the very words that usually leave women hot and bothered. Once again, I have had sex with a number of women who criticized me for my preference for "adults only" language.
4) "Alan, you are not very romantic at all. I mean, you have never given me flowers ... you have never given me a Valentine's Day card ... and you rarely treat me to a nice expensive dinner. Then, you just expect me to open up my legs for you whenever you call. I am not your beck-and-call booty call girl!"
Comment: I let all women know: unless you are my long-term 'serious' girlfriend, you are not going to receive the 'girlfriend' treatment. I am very real and upfront with women about this (read my article entitled If you treat all women as if they are 'special' to you, then none of them are). I do not like to 'confuse' things with women who are nothing more to me than 'casual' sex partners. Despite receiving this type of criticism from many women, I still ended up having sex with the vast majority of them.
5) "Alan, you don't flatter me like most of the other guys I know and you never express a desire to spend as much time hanging out with me as the other men I know do. You treat me like I am just 'average' or unappealing or something. I love to be complimented and I love to be given attention. All women do. But it seems like you purposely go out of your way to avoid complimenting me or socializing with me. Sometimes, I hate you!"
Comment: Just like the other examples, I have heard this one quite a bit. The kicker? Most of those "other guys" who are flattering those women are not having sex with them, but I am. That is how it is with most men and women. The guys that "fawn" over women rarely end up having sex with them while the guys who are 'stingy' with their flattery are the ones exchanging orgasms.
Now, let me give a few examples of comments I have received from women who I have never, ever had sex with:
1) "Alan ... you are a total sweetheart!! I cannot believe you bought me a gift for my birthday! I cannot even remember when your birthday is!"
Comment: A real comment from a real woman (that I wanted to date) when I was in my twenties. I said to myself, "never again."
2) "Alan, you are such a sweetheart!! You have to be arguably the nicest guy in the whole world!"
Comment: I literally do not think I have ever had sex with a woman who made a comment like that to me.
3) "Alan, you know why I love spending time with you so much? Because you always give my ego and self-esteem a boost!! Every woman needs a man like you in their life!"
Comment: See my comment for example #2.
4) "Alan, you are like a 'big brother' to me. I have all sisters, but you are like the brother I never had..."
Translation: "Thinking about having sex with you is like thinking about having sex with a male relative. Ewwwwww. Incestuous." You never, never, ever, ever want a woman who you are romantically and/or sexually attracted to looking at you as some sort of "play brother." Ever.
5) "Alan ... I love having a guy in my life who I can share my problems, disappointments, and frustrations regarding the other men who are 'jerks' in my life. You are so sweet. I love having you as a listening ear."
Comment: I just told all of the men in Manhattan: NEVER allow yourself to become a woman's "empathetic listening ear." EVER. Unless it is a woman who you have absolutely no romantic or sexual attraction toward. Otherwise, you will never end up having sex with that woman. EVER. I made that mistake a lot in my late teens and twenties. Even a handful of times in my thirties and forties. Trust me ... you will end up having a permanent residence in a woman's "friend zone" if you do.
Bottom line, never give women compliments "just because." Most of the compliments I give women I am attracted to are "action-oriented" compliments. For example, instead of saying, "You have nice lips," say, "I cannot wait to kiss you so I can feel those nice lips of yours pressed against my lips." See the difference? The latter compliment is centered on a desired action you want to happen in the near future.
It makes me cringe when I see men walk up to women at bars, restaurants, nightclubs, or simply on the streets, and say things like, "You are so beautiful!" "You are so gorgeous!" "You are incredibly sexy!!" and then just walk away. I have been guilty of that maybe 1% or 2% of the time in my entire adult life.
If you are a man reading this, and you have a strong desire to overcome your "He's too nice" tag with women? Step #1: Stop complimenting women so much. Step #2: Stop getting excited over "empty compliments" from women.
The only compliment you should strive for from a woman is, "You feel so damn good inside of me."
Nothing "empty" about that compliment.
Alan Roger Currie is the author of a number of books, including Mode One: Let the Women Know What You're REALLY Thinking and Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex. Currie's latest eBook, The Possibility of Sex: How Naive and Lustful Men are Manipulated by Women Regularly is also available exclusively on Amazon.com in their Kindle format. You can also download a copy of Currie's eBook on your iPhone, Android Smartphone, or other Smartphone.
Upfront & Straightforward with Alan Roger Currie, the most-listened to talk radio podcast program in the category of "Romance" and self-help for dating singles on the BlogTalkRadio Internet Radio Network, can be heard LIVE every Thursday evening at 10:00pm EST / 7:00pm PST. Visit http://www.blogtalkradio.com/modeone and http://modeone.net for more details
Currie offers email, telephone, and Skype consultations to both men and women; Visit http://modeone.net/products to purchase a consultation